Relationships - You Have Great Power

The Power in Relationships

You have the power to make or break people. How do you wield it? 

How beautiful is the bond and trust that exists in a strong relationship, whether it be spouse to spouse, parent to child, or friend to friend. That bond and trust also makes you vulnerable to being hurt yourself.

Marriage 

Maybe you've experienced the pain and anguish when a spouse is unfaithful to the vows taken.

Maybe you know the loneliness that comes when your spouse is with someone else rather than you.

Maybe you know the physical and emotional pain of an abusive spouse.

Maybe you’re the spouse who is unfaithful, absent, or abusive.

Maybe you know the guilt that comes from blaming your spouse when the problem is really yours.

The power you have is your choice to be one or the other of the spouses described above.

Do you routinely put your wants and needs ahead of your spouse? Exercise your power to build up and sustain your spouse. Exercise your power to forgive and forget if necessary. Exercise your power to keep your vows, forsaking all other commitments, as long as you both shall live. To do anything less is an abuse of your power.

Parent and Child

You have the power to make or break your child’s spirit by your response to them.

Maybe you've felt the lash of an abusive parent.

Maybe you've known to pain of rejection or neglect.

Maybe you've felt the burden of performing beyond your capacities to please your parent.

Maybe you've felt the loneliness created by an unapproachable parent.

Maybe you've cried because your parent doesn't trust you; and wondered why they don’t.

Maybe you've tried to be good enough to win your parent’s approval and never quite succeeded.

You have the power to neglect or build up your child. Do you react to your child in the same way your parents reacted to you? You have the power of choosing to be responsible for seeing the fragile souls you created becoming competent, independent, adults; or you may choose to add another generation to the legacy of pain and neglect that has been your life.

Friend and Friend 

Maybe you know the feeling of having a friend prove untrustworthy.

Maybe you've felt the pain, like the death of a thousand paper cuts, when a friend makes fun of you; or belittles your relationship; or misrepresents you to others.

Maybe you know how it feels to be squeezed out of a relationship and not understanding why.

You have the power of choosing whether you will do the same things to another friend – maybe just to get even – or of choosing to be supportive of your friends.

The Culprit

In all the examples above, the typical reason for the misuse of your power is “doing unto others like it has been done to you,“ a classic misuse of the Golden Rule.

Or it may be your misconstruing the rule to be “do unto others before they do it unto you.”

In either case, the baggage you bring to your current relationships from the past probably causes you to misuse the Golden Rule; and that baggage can be totally destructive to someone you love and respect or someone who depends on you.

There’s another way 

You don’t have to carry that baggage around any longer. The baggage most likely manifests itself in negative thinking about the pain you felt from prior relationships. You get so caught up in reliving the pain of your past that it becomes the reality of your present.

You can dump that negative thinking. You can start dumping it today. Let Finding Personal Peace show you how to do that. Use the power you have to build and confirm people, not hurt them.

Make people, don’t break them.

God bless,

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - Fight or Forgive?

Our response to slights is the key to strong relationships.

Fundamental Truth in All Relationships

How often do all of us feel the heat of an offense in a relationship? It may be from a spouse, a friend, a child, a co-worker, a business relationship, or even the driver in the next lane or tailgating too close.

It may have been accidental or intentional; a minor irritant or a major infraction. It may have been a misspoken word; a bad joke; gossip; disrespect; or a broken trust. The easiest reaction is to take offense; easy because it is a natural reaction.

Our sympathetic nervous system gives us fight or flight as a protective response. The adrenalin flows and the battle is joined. When that happens, the relationship suffers.

That’s not what we intended. We just wanted to get even; we wanted to right a wrong; we wanted to defend our honor. A combative response can turn an innocent offence into full-blown war.

Pride rushes in and reminds us that we don’t have to take it. And before we know what’s going on, we’re tumbling pell-mell down the slippery slope to a broken relationship.

A Better Response 

Moses told Israel in Exodus 23 that “if they see their enemy’s donkey in a ditch, they were to help it out and return it to the enemy.” Then for emphasis, he said it again. There may have been a very practical reason for this teaching. Israel was out in the wilderness surrounded on all sides by people and circumstances that wanted to destroy them. It could have been disastrous for them to start fighting among themselves for all the reasons that two million people can find for fighting. The responsibility to the community was to put aside differences and pull together for the common good.

We have that same responsibility if we value a relationship. It’s not easy to forgive because our pride tells us that forgiving is giving up and giving in. We think that forgiving someone means admitting they were right in whatever they did to us. Forgiving is seen as weakness. So we don’t often forgive.

Beyond Forgiving to Forgetting 

To forgive and forget means to both pardon the wrong and to carry no resentment concerning it into the future. The phrase dates from the 1300s and was a proverb by the mid-1500s. You could also say let bygones be bygones.

Forgiving is not admitting that the offender was right. It is simply pardoning an offense. Forgetting is deciding that you’re not going to stew over the offense any more. I’m not saying that is easy; I’m just saying that it’s necessary from time to time if you want to maintain a relationship.

If an offense is ongoing, such as abuse, it is necessary to take steps to remove oneself from harm by seeking competent help; but if the offense it history, so much more is to be gained by deciding that you will not perpetuate the offense by continuing to respond to the memories of it.

Have you ever noticed in football, the flag is more often thrown on the player who responds or retaliates. The original offense is sometimes not seen, but the retaliation is always seen. We’ll always be lessened if we respond in kind to an offense.

Better to walk away. 

If the relationship has value, it’s better to walk away by pardoning the offender and forgetting about the offense. And what relationship doesn't have value. Few of us have so many friends that we can afford to lose any of them because we refuse to forgive and forget.

Having trouble doing that? Do memories of past offenses keep replaying over and over again? Finding Personal Peace speaks directly to being free from the burden of such memories. Give it a try!

God bless,
 
www.findingpersonapeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - Back From the Brink

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="237"] Are Your Relationships at the Brink?[/caption]

Many relationships are in trouble for many reasons.

The only person you have the authority or ability to change is yourself. So I want to direct attention to your relationships from your perspective. Maybe you will see yourself in this methaphorical mirror.

First Corinthians Chapter 13

If you are religious, this passage, called the Love Chapter, has great meaning to you. If you’re not religious, you can’t ignore some of the truths herein. They just make sense, especially when applied to relationships. For simplicity, lets assume that you love the ones with whom you share relationships and we’ll use the word ‘Love’ throughout.

Verse 4 – Love is patient

Are you patient in your relationships or do you expect everyone to move at the speed you dictate.

Verse 4 – Love is kind

A relationship cannot thrive if you are not kind in word, deed, and attitude. If you’re unkind, don’t expect people to respond positively to you.

Verse 4 – Love is not jealous

Trust is basic to a relationship. If you are jealous, then you’re not trusting your partner as you should.

Verse 4 – Love is not boastful

It is hard for people to enjoy a relationship with you if you constantly boast of your attributes or possessions or anything else.

Verse 4 – Love is not proud

If your vanity (pride) overshadows everyone else, don’t expect a warm, loving response from them.

Verse 5 – Love is not rude

We often joke or tease in an unseemly way. It’s rude, but we try to laugh it off. Sometimes we’re patently rude. It’s hard to be in a relationship with a rude person. Even rudeness to a third party makes everyone uncomfortable, except maybe you.

Verse 5 – Love does not demand its own way

Relationships and selfishness do not coexist. This may also include giving your loved one the space they need.

Verse 5 – Love is not irritable

Don’t expect to be a good relationship if you’re crabby and mean-spirited.

Verse 5 – Love does not keep a record of being wronged

No one wants to be around you if you keep reminding them how they wronged you. I bet you know people who remember wrongs for years – are you guilty? Practice a little forgiveness.

Verse 6 – Love does not rejoice about injustice

When you enjoy or even gossip about the pain of others, it makes everyone uncomfortable.

Verse 6 – Love rejoices in the truth

Don't let lying or deceit be part of your relationship. The truth, given lovingly, will ultimately strengthen the relationship. NOTE: See my comment on verse 1 below before you rush out with the truth. Don't use the truth as a club.

Verse 7 - Love never gives up

Stand by your friends through thick and thin, good and bad. Don’t give up on them.

Verse 7 – Love never loses faith

Believe that the best will come to the relationship even in hard times.

Verse 7 – Love is hopeful

Expect the most positive outcome for your friends, even at times when they may be acting wrongly toward you.

Verse 7 – Love never gives up

Always be there for your relationships. Even in estrangement, keep up your end of the relationship, whatever the circumstances.

A comment on Verse 1

Someone very wise said, "Being right is not always being loving." Sometimes your friends need a kind ear to listen to them instead of criticism or unsolicited advice or even the truth. You risk becoming like a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal if you don’t take time to listen.

Negative thoughts

Notice how you react to my challenges here. Apply the challenges to your most important relationship. If you find your thoughts leading you in another direction – justifying yourself or denying relevance – then you may be causing the stress in your relationships.

You can bring that negative thinking into submission. I know – I’ve done it.

God bless,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Why Do Relationships Fail?

Relationships - Spouse - Family

I Googled reasons why relationship fail and found these to be interesting.

1.  You’re playing to win

Competition between partners is one of the deadliest killers of relations. This competition is often fostered by because one of the partners has compelling thought patterns that simply do not allow them to second-best. These thoughts, while not necessarily negative, are very often harmful to both parties.

2.  You don’t trust your partner

In some cases, the broken trust is earned thought infidelity or deceit. In many cases the trust is a result of negative thinking that tells you that you or your partners are not worthy of being trusted; or the lack trust comes from reasons 3 or 4.

3.  You don’t talk

Negative thinking tells you that your opinion is not worth expressing. Or, negative thinking convinces you that you are protecting your partner by shielding them from the truth. Or, negative thinking makes you think that you will be belittled or embarrassed by sharing the truth.

4.  You don’t listen

Listening is hard. Negative thinking tells you that your opinion is more important than that of your partner. Negative thinking says they don’t have the right to criticize you.

5.  You spend like a single person

Negative thinking tells you that you earned the money; therefore you have the right to spend it as you choose. Negative thinking also causes you to insist on spending on a lifestyle that your partner does not share. Negative thinking tells you that your partner is trying to control you by insisting on controlling your sending patterns.

6.  You’re afraid of breaking up

Negative thinking tells you that you’ll never find another relationship like this one. You may be able to generate the appearance of a happy relationship for awhile, but your negative thinking will color all parts of the relationship and eventually cause it to break up. See 7.

7.  You’re dependent

Negative thinking tells you that it’s your partner’s responsibility to make you complete; that you cannot possibly live without them. Negative thinking may lead you to blame your partner because your needs are not being met. Either way, this creates a great deal of unreasonable pressure on

8.  You expect happiness

Negative thinking tells you that something is wrong if you’re not happy. See 6 and 7..

9.  You never fight

A good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which is a perfectly normal part of a human’s emotional make-up. Negative thinking tells you that anger or even disagreement will end the relationship.

10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard

There are two deeply problematic areas of negative thinking that damage a relationship. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard — and that therefore if it’s hard, it must be worth having. To base your relationship on either extreme can cause problems.

It’s not easy to have a great relationship. But it’s not impossible, either — it takes some work, of course, but it’s good work, work that’s a joy when everything comes together.

A lot of times, though, the work isn't enough. We get in our own way with negative thinking and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it.

Get your negative thinking under control and watch your relationship improve.

All the best,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!