Do You Ever Want to Hit Someone?

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="140"] Anger!!![/caption]

This is just us taking here. Nobody’s taking notes. Tell the truth. How many times in the recent years have you gotten so angry with someone that you thought about hitting them?

How many times, again just between us, did you actually hit someone in anger?

_____ made me do it

“She just gets in my face all the time.” “I don’t have the money to pay the bills.” “I work hard and there’s supposed to be supper and a cold beer waiting when I get home.”

I gave some male-oriented provocations excuses. I’m sure you can fill in the blank with your own excuses, especially if you had some real numbers in mind when I asked the questions at the top. Take a moment. Think about your favorite personal excuses. Say them out loud, if you’re in a place where you can. Think about what your excuses sound like away from the heat of battle.

I can’t help it

Most domestic abusers feel great remorse after the episode. They beg for forgiveness and promise no repeat. It’s always, “I couldn't help it,” or “I lost control for a minute.”

I don’t doubt the sincerity of what is said after the fact. It's pure guilt; but it's totally true.

Breaking down the abuse

I suggest eight parts in the sequence of an abusive episode:

1. A word spoken – angry, critical, questioning – words


2. A response – probably an inner clinching of the emotional sphincter – a thought.


3. An expansion – replaying the thought and letting it grow and grow - rumination.


4. A reaction – probably angry words exchanged. The emotional sphincter gets tighter and tighter; choking off reason and release - exchange


5. The verbal battle ensues - escalation.


6. The sphincter bursts and a punch is thrown - violence.


7. Immediate remorse with apologies, tears, and expressions of love.


8. Abusive events always happen again.

Keep in mind that this is a layperson’s list. Would you agree that it’s sort of logical?

Breaking the cycle

I’m talking to the abuser now. Look at the list above. There is only one step in the list where you can do anything to effectively end the altercation.

2. A response – ... – a thought.

If you had known how to dismiss that initial thought and walk away; and if you had known how to dismiss the ubiquitous follow-up thought of “You can’t give in! That means you’re weak”; then the fight would be over and no harm done.

The problem still has to be solved. But learning how to deal with the negative thoughts gains you some thought space to work on a good solution.

There are always answers – but good answers ALMOST NEVER come from intense emotions.

You can create the space in your life. Look for it today!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

"All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth"

[caption id="attachment_517" align="alignright" width="113"] Hope for Christmas[/caption]

You may remember the title song. It’s a novelty Christmas song written in 1944 by Donald Yetter Gardner while he was teaching music at public schools in Smithtown, New York. He asked his second grade class what they wanted for Christmas, and noticed that almost all of the students had at least one front tooth missing as they answered in a lisp. Gardner wrote the song in 30 minutes and as they say, “The rest is history.”

Do you have a Christmas dream?

Most of us do; except for those of us who have given up on ever seeing our wish granted.

Some of us dream of a restored relationship. But every time we start thinking about the relationship, we start rummaging up everything that happened to destroy the relationship and we get all angry, hurt, revengeful or bitter again; and again; and again.

Someone said, “Forgive and Forget.” What a curious sentiment; as if it’s my fault that he/she abused me and/or said all those ugly things to me. Both forgiving and forgetting are incredibly difficult to achieve especially if the other party hasn't shown no remorse or may not even be aware of the offense in some cases.

There’s a better way – simply don’t think about it any more. I promise you that is something you can learn to do. Then when you have a bit of clear thinking (peace) perhaps you can decide on a rational course of action to restore the relationship.

Some of us dream of being forgiven for something we did for which forgiveness has not been offered. But when we start reflecting on the rift, we are overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment all over again; and again; and again.

Better to learn how to not think about what we did. Perhaps in one of the peaceful interludes of not thinking about it, you’ll discover an approach to reconciliation.

Some of us dream of freedom from the stress of life like bills, repairs, a bad job, ungrateful family members, unneighborly neighbors; barking dogs; all seem to steal our peace and eventually our health if the stress continues. If we try to deal with one of these stressful issues, very often the thoughts of futility, failure, envy of those who have, and resentment of those who aren't sharing our load gang up to beat us into submission again; and again; and again.

Better to find a way to not dwell on the issues and take advantage of the relatively calm emotional moment that provides to think of ways to resolve the issue; not just to survive it.

You have the authority

Two front teeth  - we haven’t thought about that since we were seven or eight. The other unfulfilled dreams come daily for many of us.

You have the authority to not think about anything you don’t want to think about. I learned how to do that. You can too.

God bless,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

P.S. BTW, the moments of peace that we gain by not thinking about negative things begin to connect together; and we can enjoy longer and longer periods of personal peace.

Merry Christmas!

Can You See The Candle of Peace?

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="167"] The Candle of Peace[/caption]

The Candle of Peace

We lit another Advent Candle in church this week – the second one  - , the Candle of Peace. It was announced that, “ We light this candle to remind us that our Lord Jesus brings peace to all who trust in Him.”

I’ll focus in this post on a more temporal peace; let’s call it “walking-around peace,” instead of eternal peace.

Defining Peace

Peace is defined these two ways (there are other, more general definitions):

1. a state of mutual harmony in personal relationships:


2. Freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions.

I’d like to ask you two questions:

1. Can you truthfully say that your own life fully satisfies both definitions of peace?


2. How many people do you know whose lives demonstrated true peace according to those definitions?

I suspect that you answers contained some form of “No” and “Not many.”

What’s the Problem?

The fundamental problem lies in the second definition where it talks about “disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions.”

Society today is sharply focused on “self.”

• “Don’t you get up in my face!.”


• “You better respect me!”


• “I deserve . . .”


• “I have the right to . . .”


• “I don’t have to take that.”


• “Don’t be minding my business.”

Whenever somebody gets in our space, either accidentally or intentionally, all kinds of emotions erupt like a volcano: anger, fear, loathing, flight, fight.

And we record any such offense so we can replay the offense time and time again whenever it suits us.

It suits us when we want some sympathy and nobody gives us any. Answer – recall a painful event and feel sorry for ourselves.

It suits us when we feel the need to assert ourselves and there’s nobody around for us to assert upon. Solution – recall a painful event and assert ourselves vicariously.

It suits us when we see somebody that reminds us of that low-down, scheming . . .

It suits us when we’re alone wishing for a friend.

It suits us when we’re in a crowd wishing we were somewhere else.

If we could keep accurate records of all the times we entertain disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions, we would be amazed. Most of us spend some time each day stewing over a wrong suffered or suffering guilt over our own shortcomings.

And this rumination on negative thoughts and emotions can destroy us – physically and emotionally.

Life Doesn’t have to be that Way

If you could dismiss just one of those negative thoughts, a glimmer might reach you from your candle of peace – just a flicker.

If you could handle more of those negative thoughts, the flicker becomes a flame – small but steady.

If you could handle all those negative emotions, the candle of peace will glow brightly; giving you the light necessary to make important decisions that will have a long-term effect on your daily peace and your relationships; and will open the door to lasting peace.

Seek peace and you will find it. That’s a promise.

God bless,



www.findingperaonalpeace.com

 

Your Personality - M&M's or Barbed Wire?

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="158"] An Island of Peace in a Troubled World[/caption]

Often without realizing it, we frequently react to the personality of someone we meet or even someone we see.

A brief definition would be that personality is made up of the characteristic patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that make a person unique. In addition to this, personality arises from within the individual and remains fairly consistent throughout life.

I like the last phrase about personality being fairly consistent throughout life. I like it because it implies that our personality is inherently part of us from our birth. That tells me that we are made to enjoy life. I just can’t see someone “made in the image of God” being made with a bent toward evil or even unhappiness.

In the last posting, we talked about individuality. Picture an M&M made up of a hard candy shell and a soft chocolate center. It’s not too far-fetched to think of the shell as our individuality; as what makes us stand out in the world or as the defense we create against melting in someone’s hand.  And we can think of our personality as the soft chocolate center with the characteristics that are inherent within us; joy, peace, satisfaction, etc.

Richard Carlson talks at length about an inherent capacity for happiness. Maybe it’s our personality he’s talking about. – that built-in part.

So What Happens

But let’s get real here. We all know people who have the personality of barbed wire. I have a theory about how personality gets from “M&M-Center” to “barbed-wire.”

Simply put, life happens. Some of us are always able to handle disappointments with a smile. Nothing ever gets us down.

Others store up disappointments like a bank account. We keep an internal scoreboard where we tally all the hurts, offenses, criticisms, put-downs, failures. And being good stewards, we routinely take our scoreboards out and review them; we think about the offenses; we relive the hurts; we suffer the failures all over again.

Before long, this scoreboard becomes a jumbotron that everybody sees. The negativity completely clouds or hides our personality.

Sounds Grim

It does sound grim, but it doesn't have to be. Like a frost-covered window, we can clear a little space by taking command of just one of our negative thoughts. We talk about how to do this in Finding Personal Peace.

We can see through the window a little bit. If we keep dealing with negative thinking (the jumbotron of hurts) before long, we can see a beautiful scene which is what we’re truly like without the negativity.

Picture a tiny tropical island. It’s beautiful with the waves crashing ashore.

Now picture the island surrounded by murky water; water made muddy by negative thinking roiling around within us.

When we control the negative thinking, the water becomes sparkling clear and we begin to see the beauty that exists below. The tiny island is but the tip of a great mountain with colorful fish, bright coral reefs, and all sorts of amazing creatures.

Our Personality

Our personality can be like a jewel if we let it shine. We can let it shine by dealing with all the negativity we have accumulated.

Go for it!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Individuality

[caption id="attachment_456" align="alignright" width="170"] Individuality - A Threat to Peace[/caption]

What is Individuality?

Wow, what a great sounding word – I N D I V I D U A L I T Y! That’s all we hear from Hollywood. We deserve! We have the right to ___!

One definition is “the interests of the individual as distinguished from the interests of the community.”

Oswald Chambers describes individuality as “the hard outer layer surrounding the inner spiritual life.” We too often see individuality shoving others aside; separating and isolating; creating division instead of unity and peace.

Most agree that the characteristics of individuality are independence and self-will. In view of that let me ask you these questions:

• How can two individuals build a relationship when each persists in maintaining their own individuality?


• How can conflicts be resolved when each protagonist insists on their own rights first?

I submit that individuality is the primary barrier to building and maintaining relationships; and the primary barrier to personal peace.

• The world’s view of individuality asserts pride over forgiveness; as in, so-and-so hurt my feelings. I don’t have to put up with that.


• The same world view demands respect forgetting that respect is earned, not God-given.


• Individuality says “you go first” then if I feel vindicated, I’ll respond.

Maintaining Individuality in Relationships

I’m not suggesting that we always submit our individuality. That would be subservience in the worst form and would be very harmful to us.

There are very often times when we have to weigh our individuality against the value of the relationship. If we can yield without compromising our integrity, morals, or personal beliefs, and the relationship is meaningful to us, then we need to subordinate our individuality for the health of the relationship.

If compromise requires us to devalue ourselves emotionally, ethically or morally, then we need to look long and hard at the value of the relationship.

Dangers of Abused Individuality

Abused individuality is what makes us stew over and over again because somebody offended us.

Abused individuality never forgets a wrong suffered. In fact it actively keeps count.

Abused individuality always puts it's own self-interest above the interests of the whole, be it a couple, a family, an office staff, a committee, or a church.

Abused individuality will absolutely destroys your peace.

But abused individuality is not a permanent condition. In fact, it can be dealt with much easier than you think.

My Story

I was exercising my individuality for years every time I got angry over the men who had hurt my family. The problem is that my individuality was costing me every relationship that was important. I learned how to balance my individuality with the importance of my relationships. You can, too!

I put the how-to online.

God bless,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Find Your Star

[caption id="attachment_445" align="alignright" width="179"] Searching for Your Peace Star[/caption]

I’m not going to try to argue whether the Three Wise Men from the East were real or whether they were part of the stories surrounding the birth of Christ.

For the purposes of this story, this could be true or it could be legend.

Far away to the East

The three kings were so rich that they didn't have to work for a living. They didn't have to go to the factory or to the brokerage office or the bank. It would fit the culture that while the masses worked, the kings devoted their lives to scientific study of the earth or the heavens.

Our three guys spent their nights looking at the stars and their days writing about anything they saw that was new.

On occasion, they saw a comet or that one of the nearby planets appeared to be especially bright. They identified the constellations as they moved across the heavens. They might see meteors or eclipses. When they saw something new, they tried to understand it based either on their prior observations or they would speculate on what it might mean.

One night they saw a really unusual sight. It was a star so bright that it had to have special meaning.

It was so special that they arranged to have their affairs managed by capable men and they packed up their entourage and headed west.

Living with a Passion

Day after day they traveled and night after night they checked on their special star.

They journeyed with a passion that was fired by the unknown meaning of the special star.

And according to the Matthew account, after a year or two, they found their way to the house where the Christ Child lived. They presented their gifts and worshiped Him.

The Missing Passion

What a shame it is that so many people live a life without passion. It has little to do with wealth or station; it has more to do with being fulfilled and complete.

If we have passion, even the setbacks are just speed bumps on the road to meaning in our life.

But without passion, it may be a struggle to just get out of bed.

Without passion, we may fall victim to looking for peace in all the wrong places.

Without passion, personal peace suffers.

Passion is possible for all of us

Always be looking for your special star; the star that could add passion to your life. It could appear at any moment – if it’s not hidden by negativity that often swirls around us.

Learning how to deal with the negativity the key to finding first peace, then passion. I’d love to share with you some of the things I’ve learned about restoring personal peace. Just click the link at the bottom.

Seek Passion – It’s Worth It

God bless,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

A Candle of Hope

[caption id="attachment_434" align="alignright" width="159"] The Candle of Hope[/caption]

Today at church we lit the first Advent Candle, the Candle of Hope. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. What a powerful emotion is hope! Hope is a strong girder that can span wide chasms of circumstances that assail many of us.

Hope is a powerful engine that can push us through the struggles that often seem to block our way.

Hope makes tomorrow seem brighter than today; today brighter than yesterday.

So we lit the candle of Hope and a bold flame shown steady and bright.

A Flicker of Hope

So many people don’t have even a flicker of hope. For them, hope is overwhelmed by a flood of negative emotions and negative thinking. Know anybody like that?

It’s sad when the road is always running uphill and getting steeper.

It’s sad when the storm on our emotional horizon is growing with each passing day instead of receding with each new sunrise.

It’s sad when we don’t care any more.

Life doesn’t have to be that way.

We have an innate capacity for hope. We were built that way.

Something inside us truly wants the best for us.  That inner feeling can begin to grow if we give it time and space to expand.

That inner feeling can be reinforced if by clear thinking we can make timely and good life decisions that need to be made.

That inner feeling can become more real every day as we let ourselves have more peace.

So how is that possible?

We don’t have to let the negative thinking take over our lives.

We don’t have to dwell on every bad that thing that has happened to us or that we have caused to happen to ourselves or others.

We don’t have to stew and foment as a matter of habit. Bad habits can be broken. New habits can be made.

There is neither time nor space here to tell you how this is possible. You’re welcome to visit the link below my name for the details.

The Candle of Hope can become a blazing torch if you give it the fuel of personal peace.

God bless!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thinking about my father . . .

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="262"] Uncle Thomas, My Dad, Uncle Gilbert circa 1898-99[/caption]

Yesterday was the 117^th anniversary of my father’s birth. He was born November 30, 1895. I really enjoy ruminating on what life must have been like at the turn of the 20^th century.

Life was so different. My father didn’t have electricity in his home until he was 51 years old. I’m not aware of his traveling more than 200 miles from home until he was in his 6^th decade; with the exception of a trip to France at Uncle Sam’s suggestion in 1918 and eloping in a horse-drawn buggy to Mississippi with my mother in December 1919.

My dad never was in an airplane and to my knowledge never talked on the telephone. He was not well educated, but he could feed and provide for a family with the work he invested in his little one-mule farm.

He taught me how to work hard. He taught me how to be honest. He taught me to be frugal. Come to think of it, he actually taught me how to have dreams; my mother taught me how to be frugal – but that’s another story.

He did not teach me how to be a bully. He did not teach me how to seek power over other people. He did not teach me how to win through intimidation. He did not teach me to bear a grudge.

He was proud of his family. I don’t recall him ever saying “I love you,” but there was never any doubt of his love because he gave so much of himself to his family.

My favorite Christmas story

In 1936, the day before Christmas, my dad walked into town (about five miles) and spent his last dollar to buy Christmas gifts for my brothers and sisters (I wasn’t born yet) – little things like a fountain pen and a pocket knife for my brothers and hair ribbons and barrettes for my sisters and some candy and apples. He got to put his name in a drawing at the mercantile store. To his delight, his name was selected for the ten-dollar grand prize. He didn’t buy the gifts because of the prize, like a lottery ticket. He did what pleased him most – he spent his last dollar to give his children a little joy at Christmas.

Where am I going here?

I love my memories of my family. Not because of wealth or possessions, but because of their commitment, encouragement, and acceptance of us.

Lots of people don’t have such warm memories of growing up. Some of those memories are downright awful and are made more so by reliving those memories over and over again with more pain and discouragement with every sequel.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

If negative memories haunt you, I promise you can escape those memories. You don’t have to be held captive by emotional pain from yesterday or from decades ago. I can share more on my website than I can share here so I invite you to visit right now to see if there’s a Christmas gift there for you.

You still have time to have a Merry Christmas by getting the painful Christmas memories out of the way.

All the best,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thinking about my father . . .