Self-Imposed Ghetto

The Warsaw Ghetto and Wall - May 1941

Have you built walls to shut everybody else out of your world?

I’m reading a book called Isaac’s Army; a story of courage and survival in Nazi-occupied Poland in the late 1930’s and early 1940’s.

A ghetto is defined as a part of a city, typically a slum area, occupied by a minority group or groups. It can also be a section of a city mostly occupied by a group who live there, particularly because of social, economic, or legal issues.

The Nazis forced all the Jewish people in most of the larger cities of Poland to live in a controlled area set apart by walls, barbed wire, and guards.

The Warsaw Ghetto had over 300,000 people living in an area of about 700 acres. It was roughly 1 ½ miles by ¾ mile in size.

There were several resistance groups operating at the time that totally distrusted each other. They would often meet but could almost never agree on any strategy to resist the Nazis.

From July to September, 1942, the Nazis carried out the Gross Aktion, in which over 200,000 Jews were herded into railroad cars and carried to the Treblinka Concentration Camp where they were exterminated.

Still the resistance groups would not even agree on the nature of the Nazi threat.

After a period of intense personal grief and shame over watching 80% of their number be taken away, the resistance groups decided that the threat was greater than their pride and distrust of their own people.

They pulled together and began a somewhat effective resistance. Unfortunately it was doomed to failure.

Your Own Ghetto

Have you sequestered yourself in your own ghetto of sorts by being held captive by your emotions? Many people have. Pride, fear of the unknown, inability to find relief, or lack of acceptance by family, friends, and peers have convinced you that it is better to live in solitude under self-imposed rules on contact with outsiders who don’t or won’t understand you.

Better to just accept your circumstances than fight them.

Or perhaps you’re like some of the zealous resistance fighters. Nobody is going to tell you how to live your life. You’ll show them that you are your own person by living life just exactly as you choose regardless of the risk to yourself and others.

For the Jews in Poland, it was very frightening to be forced to live in the ghetto. They never knew when the Nazis would knock on their door and haul them away. Many broke under the strain. Disease and death were rampant.

Have you reached the point where the pain of emotional separation or the increased risks of rebellion are putting strains on you?

Are you being stretched to the breaking point?

It’s hard doing it alone

The Jews of the Warsaw Ghetto who tried to do it alone almost always failed. It’s really hard for you to escape from your personal ghetto by yourself as well.

There are traditional routes that you may have tried - counseling, meds, clergy – and found little or no benefit.

You may have read books that shared various ideas; but they often don’t seem to work.

So what do you do?

It takes three things to affect significant change in your life:

• It takes knowledge – you have to know about an idea that can work.
• It takes belief – you have to believe that idea will work for you.
• It takes repetition – you have to practice the idea enough times for it to take effect in your life.

Finding Personal Peace offers you a simple, painless idea and gives you enough background so you to see how it can work for you. It then leads you through a process of repetition so that over time, you can develop a habit of peace to replace your habit of pain.

You can escape from your personal ghetto with knowledge, belief, and practice.
Start your escape today.


www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Ruts

Grading the Ruts in Your Life

Are you caught in a rut? You don’t have to stay there. 

The phrase, in a rut, means, according to one source, “In a settled or established habit or course of action, especially a boring one. For example, We go to the seashore every summer we're in a rut , or After ten years at the same job she says she's in a rut . This expression alludes to having a wheel stuck in a groove in the road. [Early 1800s]”

I think we all use that expression sometimes – some of us more often than others.

I read about it this morning in the context of living on a farm in the northern states, and finding the ruts to walk to the barn to feed the livestock after a blizzard; and then driving in ruts to try to get around on the farm in a vehicle. It’s a lot easier to move around if someone has gone before you and stomped out some ruts.

I grew up in rural Alabama. We didn't have much snow, but we had an abundance of dirt roads. Over time, with rain and traffic, ruts, often deep ruts, would be cut in the roadway. After a time, the ruts became quite rough on the vehicle and the occupants as they bounced along up and down and from side to side in the ruts. It was easier in some places to drive on the unrutted sections of the road

And please don’t let us meet someone coming from the opposite direction in the same set of ruts; but that’s an aside. The ruts remained until the county sent out the road crew with their grading equipment to re-grade the road surface. Then it was smooth – for a little while.

Life’s Ruts

Have you found yourself in a life rut? Sometimes it’s as simple as living a lifestyle with predictable patterns. I go to our neighborhood McDonald's and sometime a crew member starts ringing up my order as soon I say “Hello.” I’m in that sort of rut.

The other, and more bothersome, rut is the emotional rut where we find ourselves trapped between sidewalls of painful thoughts and bad experiences and we just can’t seem to find our way out.

Or worse, we don’t want to find a way out. It may be painful there, but at least it’s predictable. What is it that people say? “Better the devil you know that the one you don’t.” 

It becomes a matter of “relative” comfort." It’s not very comfortable here in the rut – but it might be far less comfortable out there in the unknown. The sad thing is that our ruts often get deeper with the wear-and-tear of living, and the remembering of painful experiences, and the beating ourselves up with rumination, causing the ruts to get deeper and deeper and deeper.

Excuses

Somebody said, “My therapist had me relive all that pain every week for months; It didn't help.” Somebody else said, “That’s the hand I've been dealt. I just have to live with it.” And someone else joined in, “ I've read all the self-help stuff. My problems are way too complicated.” Blame it on painful approach, fate, or complications; they are all excuses.

Do you need a repair crew to come out and level out your ruts?

Your Own Repair Crew

What if it were possible to deal with the memories of your painful experiences in the privacy of your computer, iPad or smart phone?

What if it were possible to avoid reliving the pain?

What if it were possible to deal with life’s cards without falling back on old excuses?

What if it were possible to handle any life situation, no matter how complicated, by simply managing your negative thoughts one by one?

If all that were possible, do you think you could get out of the emotional ruts in your life? I’m suggesting that it is possible. I helped myself out of the rut of anger. My friend helped herself out of the rut of inferiority.

Finding Personal Peace can show you how to get out of your ruts.

I was reading this morning the story of Jesus walking up to the boat during the storm. You remember it. The sight scared the disciples in the boat half to death. Peter declared that he wanted to walk on the water; and Jesus said, “Come on.”

Peter was doing great until he remembered his circumstances and looked down at his feet instead of looking at Jesus.

The point I took is this. Peter could have kept his seat in the boat and never gotten his feet wet. But he wanted more.

John Ortberg, a teaching pastor at Willow Creek Community Church, wrote a fascinating book entitled, “If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat.” I recommend it to you.

But back to your rut.

• If you want to get out of your rut, you may have to try something you don’t understand.
• You may have to be willing to be uncomfortable until you realize that it’s working for you.
• You may have to admit that you’re in a rut.
• You may have to admit that you can’t get out of the rut by yourself.

But if you can deal with stepping out of your comfort zone and admitting that life as you know it is a rut, you can experience personal peace like you never dreamed possible. You can start today.

Here’s to getting out of your rut today!

www.findingpersonalpeace.com Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Transformers

Transform Yourself

Many of us need to be transformed – we just don’t know how to do it. 

I was thinking yesterday about Transformers. Do you remember the toys from a generation ago that could, with a few twists, turns, snaps, bends, and clicks, be changed from a menacing, powerful, figure of doom and destruction into a sleek, beautiful, vehicle possessing great style and grace.

My sons played for hours on end with first one transformation and then the other. What fun they had.

The need for transformation 

Open up your mind’s eye and take a look at yourself. What do you see?

Do you see a positive, compelling image of yourself; or do you see a sad, negative, off-putting picture? 

Do you see an image that is in need of a great transformation?

Understand that what you see in your mind’s eye is the actual image that your subconscious mind has of you. If you’re like many of us, that image has become less and less appealing as time passes.

Your subconscious is a vast storehouse of all your life experiences in great detail. It is also the database of every one of your reactions to all those experiences; as well as the thoughts and ruminations you continue to have on an ongoing basis. So over time you may very well have painted a bleak picture of who your subconscious believes you are; and it’s this role that you’re probably playing in your world today.

Wouldn't you like to be like the toy and by a few twists, turns, snaps, bends and clicks become a truly strong, dependable, and satisfied person who presents to the world an image of confidence and self-sufficiency?

By the way, since I encouraged you to perhaps start thinking about a negative image of yourself; I hereby tell you with authority, “STOP THINKING ABOUT IT- RIGHT NOW!”

Transformed

You can become a Transformer. You don’t have to accept the self-portrait that your subconscious has painted. You have the power to reduce the effect of the negative thinking almost immediately. 

Notice the sentence in ALL CAPS above. You have the authority to decide what you think about. You can stop thinking about anything you don’t want to think about. I’m not suggesting that you replace negative thinking with positive thinking. That’s an often-touted and just-as-often futile attempt to feel better. It’s always temporary.

You have an innate capacity to be happy. That capacity is often overwhelmed by negative thinking. Simply refusing to think about negative things will over a surprisingly short period of time allow the flicker of your inborn ability to start peeking out and eventually grow to a full beam of peace in your life.

In Finding Personal Peace we show you how to transform the negative you right out of your mental picture of yourself and allow the peaceful you to emerge.

We tell you what to do; we tell you why it works; and we lead you through a process of repetitive actions to reinforce your knowledge and belief into a new habit of peace. You take authority over the process.

So be transformed

Is there any reason not to start the process of transforming yourself today? I hope not.
www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Blog Carnival for Feb 17

Welcome to the February 17, 2013 edition of finding personal peace.

This edition of Blog Carnival has nine articles on an interesting range of topics.

• Jacqueline presents being heard: one of our greatest human needs.
• Steve presents My Method for Overcoming Being Paralyzed By Fear.
• Elisabeth Wright presents A Guy’s Guide to Breaking Up with Your Girlfriend on Valentine’s Day."
• Shaun Rosenberg presents How To Live Stress Free And Happy!
• Martin presents Declaring social bankruptcy or: I can’t take it anymore.
• Rod Peeks presents Relationships are a Team Sport.
• Michelle Brown presents 10 Ways to Make a First Date the Best Date Ever.
• Sydney Bell presents 10 Ways to Test Who You’re Really Chatting With Online.
• Jon Rhodes presents What Is Hypnotherapy?

Click here or click on Blog Carnival in the tabs at the top. You’ll want to check out these articles and share them in your circle of influence. We’ll be receiving submitted articles and posting them every Sunday.

Relationships are a Team Sport

Relationships - Team Building Together

The old adage says there’s no “I” in team. Relationships need to be that way. 

Defining ego – “The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves.”

An issue that affects many relationships is that ego gets in the way. We often put our personal needs ahead of others. We think of ourselves first. Decisions are made on what’s best for us.

In 1973, Robert Ringer wrote a book entitled, “Winning Through Intimidation.” The title alone bothers me.
If someone wins then by implication someone loses. If we win by intimidation, it implies that our ideas are not accepted on their merits but rather on who shouts the loudest or applies the most powerful leverage.

Ringer says that his intent was to help individuals learn how to avoid being intimidated. He even changed the name in a subsequent printing to “To Be or Not to Be Intimidated?: That is the Question. “
Nevertheless, the original title has stuck and it seems to reinforce the natural inclination that the biggest, the strongest, the mostest wins; and the smaller, the weaker, the leaster loses. That premise, burned into the psyche of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries, has caused immeasurable damage to relationships in our generation.

The equation for a good relationship that has each person giving 100% of themselves to the relationship, has no room for intimidation. It allows no room for ego. It grants no license for one party in the relationship to lord it over the other party.
Why the emphasis on ego or self?
Beyond it being a natural inclination of most of us, there are several reasons for self to want to prevail.

1. On the school yard, the smaller or less coordinated are bullied and ridiculed.
2. On the team, the younger, weaker, and lesser skilled ride the bench.
3. The under-achieving child is often belittled by an unthinking parents or relatives.
4. The dreamer is said to lack focus and to be weak.
5. A domineering parent sets the pattern for future domination.
6. Living in a family of takers sets the mental switch creating another taker soon.
7. Not quite fitting in creates a determination to write the rules themselves someday.

These seven possibilities and a host of others have created a couple of generations now where winning, where prevailing, is the goal, the prize. This mindset does not bode well for any relationship.

Breaking the pattern

With a lifetime of experiences and often emotional pain that says “win or else,” it can be difficult to change the way we think. Why should we change anyway? “I've spent a lifetime getting to a point where I can make them respect me, and I like it.”

The reason we have to change is that we simply can’t be happy living without relationships. But good relationships need to support the mutual needs both parties instead of promoting the BIG one over the LITTLE other.

Our experiences, especially the painful ones, remind us every time we dwell on them; that we have to stand up for ourselves because nobody else will. A good relationship has the strength of the partner standing up for us while we stand up for them.

Patterns of the past have taught us to do what’s right for us and let the others catch up. A good relationship has each party doing what’s right for the other. There’s great comfort in knowing that someone has your back.

Base life on reality not on negative thinking 

If we dwell on the need to take care of ourselves today because no one else did when we were vulnerable, our relationships will fail. Yet, the reality is nobody is treating us like today. It may have been many years, but the memories are a fresh as yesterday, because we probably thought about them yesterday.

If we're governed by the idea that I had nothing to contribute then and I have nothing to contribute now, even though I'm in a relationship, it will be hard for that relationship to prosper.

Better to learn how to manage all that negative thinking from the past so it can’t damage the reality of present and future relationships. That’s what Finding Personal Peace offers – a way to manage all that trash thinking that makes us angry, depressed, selfish, sad, and worse.

Focus on the team of relationships by getting the self-centered thinking out of the way and you’ll begin to see reality, peace, and hope in all your relationships.

Focus on the reality of strong relationships today being far better that re-thinking the losses of yesteryear.

Go for it!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - You Have Great Power

The Power in Relationships

You have the power to make or break people. How do you wield it? 

How beautiful is the bond and trust that exists in a strong relationship, whether it be spouse to spouse, parent to child, or friend to friend. That bond and trust also makes you vulnerable to being hurt yourself.

Marriage 

Maybe you've experienced the pain and anguish when a spouse is unfaithful to the vows taken.

Maybe you know the loneliness that comes when your spouse is with someone else rather than you.

Maybe you know the physical and emotional pain of an abusive spouse.

Maybe you’re the spouse who is unfaithful, absent, or abusive.

Maybe you know the guilt that comes from blaming your spouse when the problem is really yours.

The power you have is your choice to be one or the other of the spouses described above.

Do you routinely put your wants and needs ahead of your spouse? Exercise your power to build up and sustain your spouse. Exercise your power to forgive and forget if necessary. Exercise your power to keep your vows, forsaking all other commitments, as long as you both shall live. To do anything less is an abuse of your power.

Parent and Child

You have the power to make or break your child’s spirit by your response to them.

Maybe you've felt the lash of an abusive parent.

Maybe you've known to pain of rejection or neglect.

Maybe you've felt the burden of performing beyond your capacities to please your parent.

Maybe you've felt the loneliness created by an unapproachable parent.

Maybe you've cried because your parent doesn't trust you; and wondered why they don’t.

Maybe you've tried to be good enough to win your parent’s approval and never quite succeeded.

You have the power to neglect or build up your child. Do you react to your child in the same way your parents reacted to you? You have the power of choosing to be responsible for seeing the fragile souls you created becoming competent, independent, adults; or you may choose to add another generation to the legacy of pain and neglect that has been your life.

Friend and Friend 

Maybe you know the feeling of having a friend prove untrustworthy.

Maybe you've felt the pain, like the death of a thousand paper cuts, when a friend makes fun of you; or belittles your relationship; or misrepresents you to others.

Maybe you know how it feels to be squeezed out of a relationship and not understanding why.

You have the power of choosing whether you will do the same things to another friend – maybe just to get even – or of choosing to be supportive of your friends.

The Culprit

In all the examples above, the typical reason for the misuse of your power is “doing unto others like it has been done to you,“ a classic misuse of the Golden Rule.

Or it may be your misconstruing the rule to be “do unto others before they do it unto you.”

In either case, the baggage you bring to your current relationships from the past probably causes you to misuse the Golden Rule; and that baggage can be totally destructive to someone you love and respect or someone who depends on you.

There’s another way 

You don’t have to carry that baggage around any longer. The baggage most likely manifests itself in negative thinking about the pain you felt from prior relationships. You get so caught up in reliving the pain of your past that it becomes the reality of your present.

You can dump that negative thinking. You can start dumping it today. Let Finding Personal Peace show you how to do that. Use the power you have to build and confirm people, not hurt them.

Make people, don’t break them.

God bless,

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

What will You Give Up for Lent?

Peace is the Promise of Lent

Making change usually means giving up the old and taking on the new. 

I grew up in a non-liturgical church which didn't celebrate Lent. It wasn't until just a few years ago that I was part of a congregation that celebrates Lent. So I had a lot to learn.

Lent is a forty-day liturgical season that initiates the most sacred part of the Christian year.  Lent begins on Ash Wednesday and concludes Easter. Sundays aren't counted for some reason.

The word Lent actually comes from the Old English lencten, which means "lengthen."  It refers to the lengthening of the daylight hours that occurs in the northern hemisphere as spring approaches.  It is in this period of transition from late winter to early spring that the season of Lent falls.

Forty is a number that has a lot of Biblical significance.

It rained for 40 days. Moses was on the mountain for 40 days receiving the Ten Commandments. Israel wandered in the wilderness for 40 years. Elijah went 40 days into the wilderness. The people of Nineveh fasted and mourned for 40 days in response to the preaching of Jonah. Jesus fasted in the desert for 40 days after which he as tempted by Satan. Jesus was among his disciples for 40 days after the resurrection before He ascended into heaven. So it seems logical that Lent lasts 40 days.

Why practice Lent? 

According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, “the purpose of Lent is to provide that purification by weaning men from sin and selfishness through self-denial and prayer, by creating in them the desire to do God’s will and to make His kingdom come by making it come first of all in their hearts.”

What does this mean to us? 

Looking at the concept of Lent from a secular perspective, it’s a time when we give something up; a time when we make sacrifice.

Maybe we give up some of our comfort zone. Maybe we give up beliefs and thoughts that are dear to us. Maybe we give up habits that have the capacity to hurt us and hold us back from where we might be otherwise.

Comfort zone 

That’s a subjective term. Your comfort zone might be horrendous to someone else because you may have gotten comfortable in an atmosphere of pain and negativity that you know than you might be in the unknown of the alternatives. So we say, “I’ll just deal with it,” and continue trudging through our lives.

Beliefs and Thoughts 

Again, the impact of beliefs and thoughts is subjective. It’s true that you were hurt. And the recurring thoughts that you have represent something that truly happened. And you may take some satisfaction in the vengeance you deal out every time you think about those painful things.

Habits 

We get comfortable where we are and reconcile that this is the hand we were dealt and we’ll just play it. Maybe I eat too much. It doesn't hurt anybody but me. Maybe I languish in a menial job. It’s my life. I’m not hurting anybody else. I speak my mind. Don’t I have the right to do that?

Giving up for Lent 

Think about giving up your painful comfort zone and spending your 40 days seeking a peaceful lifestyle.

Why not give up debilitating thoughts in favor of personal peace?

Why not give up habits that hold you back and offend others and take up new habits?

You can do all that and more if you’ll let the course, Finding Personal Peace, show you how.

Why not give up emotional pain for Lent?

Why not give up negative thinking for Lent?

Why not give up old habits for Lent? Forty days later, you might not recognize yourself.

God bless,

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - COP AN ATTITUDE!

Cop a Bad Attitude;
Lose a Relationship 

Your attitude toward your relationship is far more important that you may think. 

If you value a relationship; if there is love; if there is the joy of good fellowship; if there is any affection or compassion toward another person, I encourage you to cop an attitude.

Let me explain myself 

I've gotten some funny looks at times when I've tried to encourage someone, especially a young person, by telling them I like their attitude.

In street vernacular, to cop an attitude means to “take a negative or opposite attitude about something.” It’s also known as “tude.” I would certainly never suggest that I like a negative attitude that I see in someone.

An attitude is “a predisposition or a tendency to respond positively or negatively towards a certain idea, object, person, or situation. Attitude influences an individual's choice of action, and responses to challenges, incentives, and rewards (together called stimuli).”

So when I tell someone I like their attitude, I’m saying I like the way the present themselves or respond to the situations around them.

The origin of the word "cop" as used here is a slang term used to mean "pick, to take hold of, to catch." So, in the sense I use “to Cop an Attitude” I saying you need to take hold of or to catch a predisposition to respond positively toward your relationship.

 So what attitudes should you cop if you want a healthy relationship?

• You can show love toward the relationship
• You can be united in spirit with your partner
• You can be intent on shared purposes
• You can show humility.
• You can avoid promoting yourself ahead of your partner
• You can be unselfish
• You can regard your partner as more important than yourself
• You can look out for your spouse’s, child’s, friend’s interests before your own
• You can speak the truth judiciously
• You can respect the space of your partner
• You can encourage and lift up at every opportunity
• You can be quick to forgive and diligent to forget offenses

Do you have a problem here? 

Do any of these attitudes that I say you should “cop” give you a little heartburn?

Do you find yourself thinking “I can’t do that” or “That’s not fair?” Before you walk away from a casual relationship or create a lot of stress in a permanent relationship (like marriage and parenthood), I encourage you to examine your thinking about why you resist copping one of these attitudes.

Have your brought some baggage into the relationship from your past experiences that is making things difficult in this relationship? You can get rid of that baggage?

Are you judging your relationship partner based on criteria formed in earlier situations? You can dump those criteria.

Are you expecting your relationship partner to conform to a pattern from your past that may be based on faulty suppositions? You can break that pattern.

Do you find yourself copping a negative attitude in your relationship in response to hurts from the past? You can soften or remove that pain.

Finding Personal Peace will show you how to get rid of the baggage, dump the criteria, break the patterns, or deal with the pain that is causing you trouble in relationships today.

Check it out.
 
www.findingpersonalpeace.com

P.S. If you’re wondering where I got this list of attitudes you need to cop; I got them from the Bible in Philippians 2:1-5.

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - Fight or Forgive?

Our response to slights is the key to strong relationships.

Fundamental Truth in All Relationships

How often do all of us feel the heat of an offense in a relationship? It may be from a spouse, a friend, a child, a co-worker, a business relationship, or even the driver in the next lane or tailgating too close.

It may have been accidental or intentional; a minor irritant or a major infraction. It may have been a misspoken word; a bad joke; gossip; disrespect; or a broken trust. The easiest reaction is to take offense; easy because it is a natural reaction.

Our sympathetic nervous system gives us fight or flight as a protective response. The adrenalin flows and the battle is joined. When that happens, the relationship suffers.

That’s not what we intended. We just wanted to get even; we wanted to right a wrong; we wanted to defend our honor. A combative response can turn an innocent offence into full-blown war.

Pride rushes in and reminds us that we don’t have to take it. And before we know what’s going on, we’re tumbling pell-mell down the slippery slope to a broken relationship.

A Better Response 

Moses told Israel in Exodus 23 that “if they see their enemy’s donkey in a ditch, they were to help it out and return it to the enemy.” Then for emphasis, he said it again. There may have been a very practical reason for this teaching. Israel was out in the wilderness surrounded on all sides by people and circumstances that wanted to destroy them. It could have been disastrous for them to start fighting among themselves for all the reasons that two million people can find for fighting. The responsibility to the community was to put aside differences and pull together for the common good.

We have that same responsibility if we value a relationship. It’s not easy to forgive because our pride tells us that forgiving is giving up and giving in. We think that forgiving someone means admitting they were right in whatever they did to us. Forgiving is seen as weakness. So we don’t often forgive.

Beyond Forgiving to Forgetting 

To forgive and forget means to both pardon the wrong and to carry no resentment concerning it into the future. The phrase dates from the 1300s and was a proverb by the mid-1500s. You could also say let bygones be bygones.

Forgiving is not admitting that the offender was right. It is simply pardoning an offense. Forgetting is deciding that you’re not going to stew over the offense any more. I’m not saying that is easy; I’m just saying that it’s necessary from time to time if you want to maintain a relationship.

If an offense is ongoing, such as abuse, it is necessary to take steps to remove oneself from harm by seeking competent help; but if the offense it history, so much more is to be gained by deciding that you will not perpetuate the offense by continuing to respond to the memories of it.

Have you ever noticed in football, the flag is more often thrown on the player who responds or retaliates. The original offense is sometimes not seen, but the retaliation is always seen. We’ll always be lessened if we respond in kind to an offense.

Better to walk away. 

If the relationship has value, it’s better to walk away by pardoning the offender and forgetting about the offense. And what relationship doesn't have value. Few of us have so many friends that we can afford to lose any of them because we refuse to forgive and forget.

Having trouble doing that? Do memories of past offenses keep replaying over and over again? Finding Personal Peace speaks directly to being free from the burden of such memories. Give it a try!

God bless,
 
www.findingpersonapeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - No Man is an Island

Relationships are requisite for survival – we’re made that way. 

In 1624, John Donne wrote

No man is an island, Entire of itself. Each is a piece of the continent, A part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less.

Donne was saying that each of us is part of the whole cloth of mankind. One can reason that while some of us may try to isolate ourselves for a variety of reasons, it does not help us to do so because we are made to be part of a relationship.

I’m reading a book called Escape From Camp 14. It’s the story of a young man, Shin, in North Korea who was born in a labor camp and was kept there to be expunged of the sins of his parents. He grew up totally not trusting anyone. He even competed with his mother for food.

He was assigned to work with a new prisoner (actually to spy on him) who had lived out in a world that Shin knew nothing about. They developed a bond of trust that gave both the courage to escape; whereas Shin had been resolved to living out his life in the camp struggling, conniving, and even betraying others for a few grains of corn or leaves of cabbage.

The author refers to a study by Elmer Luchterhand, a sociologist at Yale, who studied 52 holocaust survivors shortly after their release from the camps. He concluded that the basic unit of survival is the pair, not the individual.

”It was in pairs that prisoners kept alive the semblance of humanity. Pairs stole food and clothing for each other, exchanged small gifts, and planned for the future. If one member of the pair fainted from hunger in front of a guard, the other would prop him up."

Eugene Weinstock, a Belgian resistance fighter who survived Buchenwald says, “Survival . . . could only be a social achievement, not an individual accident.”

The death of one member of the pair often doomed the other. It is said of women who knew them in the Bergen-Belsen camp, that Anne Frank survived hunger and typhus but lost her will to live after the death of her sister, Margot. This is morbid, but it’s worth thinking about.

Too many people have isolated themselves from society to avoid uncomfortable or even painful memories; perhaps in response to hurt or rejection.

A Skinner Box

B. F. Skinner, an American psychologist from the 1930’s, developed a device, called the Skinner Box, whereby laboratory animals could be isolated, manipulated, and controlled by teaching them to perform certain actions for rewards or to avoid punishments.

Repressive societies like the Nazis and the North Koreans use confinement, hunger, and fear to assert absolute control over prisoners. Guards breed prisoners whom they control, isolate, and pit against one another to the detriment of both. Shin’s labor camp was like a huge Skinner Box with thousands of test subjects - all human.

Self-imposed isolation 

So the individual who withdraws, for whatever reason, creates his own form of a Skinner Box, in which he is controlled by his own thoughts. He probably finds some narcissistic relief by responding to his own thoughts and gradually becomes more and more detached from society. One possible outcome is destructive sociopathic behavior. The more common outcome is the continued demise of a soul controlled by his own choices. Society loses in both cases.

God said in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good for man to be alone.” That’s just as true today as it was at the dawn of time.

Break out of your box 

You don’t have to stay in your self-imposed Skinner Box. You don’t have to let negative memories of long ago events keep you isolated. You can’t enjoy any of life's potential fulfillment when you’re isolated. Finding Personal Peace shows you how your thoughts isolate you; and more importantly how you can deal with those thoughts and break out of your isolation. You shouldn't be an island to yourself. You don’t have to be.
God bless,
 
www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - Faith Hope Love

The absolute key to successful relationships – Faith, Hope, Love

Somebody said, “That sounds a lot like the Bible.” In fact, it is from the Bible. 1 Corinthians 13:13 - "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

 Even if you’re one who does not accept the Bible literally, you must admit that there is some compelling logic in these words for anybody who pursues good relationships.

Faith - confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability; not necessarily based on proof. In any relationship, you must have faith (believe) in this relationship with your partner; your spouse; your friend; your child; your parent. Believe that great things can happen because you two are together. Believe that things will work out. Believe that you will find what you’re looking for together. It’s faith that allows you to set high expectations for the relationship. It’s a heartfelt belief.

Hope - the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. Hope is what gets you up and out each day – you have the feeling that it’s all going to work out. Hope, coupled with faith, will carry you over the rough spots and through the deep water to a secure footing on the other side. Hope tells you things will get better. Love - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person or a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

Love is the glue of the relationship. Love is the force that compels you to defend your relationship and the individual against all attackers.

I'm still reading World War II non-fiction. I learned over the weekend that probably the most common basis for awarding the Medal of Honor (our highest ranking medal for valor) to Marines in the Pacific battles was throwing one's body on a live grenade to protect his comrades.

Are you willing to take a grenade for your spouse? Your child? Your friend? If you are, it’s the love you have for them that always puts their needs before your own.

The verse describes love as the most durable of the three characteristics. It’s love that is the driving energy in the relationship when your faith gets buffeted by circumstances. It’s love that makes you keep looking for the peaks when hope has deserted you in the dark valleys. It’s love that sustains you when attacks from either from your partner or others.

It’s a one-way street 

Faith, hope, and love in the context here are outgoing features. They describe you; not your partner. In the 100% - 100% ratio that we talked about in an earlier post, you’re responsible for all the faith, hope, and love in your relationship. That’s all you have any control over. If you partner carries their 100% well, then you have an incredibly strong relationship.

If you struggle with your faith, your hope, and your love in any relationship, take a look at the thoughts that weigh heavily on your attitudes. You don’t have to let yourself be drawn by doubts, low expectations, and low esteem for your partner. You get to decide whether the relationship is strong enough. You get to take control of any negative thinking that you have. You get to choose whether you will listen to negativity of whether you will be true to faith, hope, and love.

If you have trouble with that choice, Finding Personal Peace can help you.

To an awesome relationship,
 
www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Oh, For Just a Little Light

When one is in darkness, even a spark is blinding

Which Light is Yours?

Do you know about darkness?

Lately, I’m into reading about the World War II battles in the Pacific. One prohibition that every sailor carried with him was no smoking on deck at night. The glow from the business end of a cigarette could be seen for miles and could reveal the position of his ship to the enemy. It happened.

Have you ever been in total darkness? Like on a cave tour when they turn the lights out? When you literally can’t see your hand in front of your face?

Lots of people are like that emotionally. Their life is so dark that they can’t see what their next step should be. They are so hungry for a respite from the darkness and pain that they grope through the darkness for any relief including drugs, alcohol, and ultimately . . .

What they would give for just a spark of hope; for a moment of understanding; for a glimmer of understanding in an otherwise dismal situation.

Just a little light

I used the graphic of penlights to make this point. Every person’s light may be different – different shape, different duration, different intensity. But the common thread is that for the time that the light shines, there is hope – hope of an answer, hope of understanding, a hope of peace.

What’s the source of this little light?

It has to come from within. Sure, someone could shine a light on you and reveal important things in its beam. But that light is temporary. When the hand holding the light goes away, so does the light.

Coming from within means that you control the light. You can turn it on at will. You can turn it on as often as you like. You can shine the light here and you can shine it there across your emotional darkness.

Such power

When one is in darkness, even a spark is blinding. You can have the power to light that spark anytime you choose.

You can simply rest in the little spotlight for a time to relieve the pain.

You can use the illumination to make a reasoned decision affecting your future.

You can begin to see answers.

And when that light goes out, you can light it again; or you can light another light. It’s your choice – you have the power.

Somebody said, “Yeah, like I believe that!”

For several years, I walked in some darkness caused by an anger problem. I learned that I didn't have to give in to my angry thoughts. I didn't have to let them rule me; I could rule them.

Just like I did, you can learn how to rule over your dark emotional thoughts, regardless of what they are.

And when you shut down just one thought, for the moment it’s shut down, you have a moment of light; a moment of peace.

And that thought comes back; and you shut it down again.

What I learned, and what I've put into Finding Personal Peace, is that you develop a habit of shutting down that thought. And another thought. And even another thought. Any negative thought!

As you shut down more and more dark thoughts, you have more and more pen lights shining in your soul. Every day you can walk more and more in light rather than darkness.

You can make decisions from within the light that are better decisions than the ones you made from the darkness.

I can’t shine the light for you; and I wouldn't if I could. The light that I might shine is temporary for as long as I’m there.

What you want is to have your hand on the light switch in your life. You want to break the habit of letting the darkness rule. You want to make the habit of walking in the light of your own peace.

If you need more light, more peace, or if you know someone who does, visit Finding Personal Peace to learn how you can have what you need.

God bless,

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!