Help Someone You Love Deal With Being an Abuser Simply and Effectively

Perpetrators of abuse are often driven to act out their anger on others – on their victims. It may take professional help to deal with deep-seated issues. Or it may not. You can find personal peace in a simple and effective way right there in the privacy of your home computer, laptop, iPad, or smart phone.

If you’re an abuser . . .

• You may demonstrate impulsive behavior. Very likely there is little thought given to the consequences of their behavior. Some simple trigger may have caused the thought that resulted in abuse.
• You may exhibit rapid mood changes that may result in violent behavior. A word or action may trigger the thought the ends in abuse.
• You may be chronically depressed. Rational thought may be overwhelmed by the depression. Some thought in the darkness of depression may be the trigger of abuse.
• You may be trying to transfer some of your pain to your victims. Again there would almost always be negative thoughts feeding the depression and the abuse.

A suicidal abuser may rationalize that since he’s probably going to die anyway, it may be easier to abuse. What’s to lose?

A victim of abuse is much more likely to become an abuser. You excuse your actions by rationalizing that you can’t help it.

Drugs and alcohol may lead to abusive behavior. The desire to drink or use drugs usually begins with some thought or desire and is often used as an excuse for the behavior.

A spousal abuser may use the excuse that the thought of the shame of separation justifies the use of force to keep the spouse under their power.

A common thread in all these examples is that a thought serves as a trigger to the abusive act. If the abuser is so inclined, he/she can probably predict the buildup to an abusive episode by recognizing those thoughts that serve as triggers.

The simple fact is that the abuser can recognize the thought and make the decision to NOT think that thought.

You will soon discover that the negative thought leading to abuse will go away. It will go away every time you demand that it go away.  

If you're an abuser, this solution is so simple that many people have trouble accepting it. The most effective way to control the negative thinking that leads to abusing someone is to say to yourself, out loud, "I will not to think about that." Do it as often as necessary and do it out loud, "I will not to think about that."

Someone said, “That’s easier said than done.”

Not really. You have the built-in authority to decide what you want to think about. If you recognize a thought that typically leads to abusing someone, don’t think that thought. It’s your choice. In the moments of clarity that comes in the absence of that thought, it’s possible to remove yourself from the situation to avoid abusing someone.

As you make that choice again and again, your subconscious remembers how you like to respond and will start to make your response automatically. It’s amazing how quickly this can happen.

Furthermore, you were made with a subconscious mind that has over time formed the opinion that you like being an abuser. And your ever-helpful subconscious will continue to give you thoughts that it thinks you like.

The process of choosing not to dwell on those thoughts will, over time, convince your subconscious that you do not want to think about that those things anymore. It’s this process that creates the habit of peace and breaks the habit of hurting others.

At some point, you won't even realize you are thinking negative thoughts because your subconscious is automatically responding to the thoughts before they become conscious thoughts.

Nothing could be more effective than having your subconscious mind handle your abusive thoughts for you before you even think about it.

Resources you can use

Help someone you love deal with being an abuser. Take 3 minutes to learn more at http://findingpersonalpeace.com/s008.

If you need help dealing with being an abuser, click http://findingpersonalpeace.com/student/hotlines.pdf to find resources that can help you.

You can use this idea for just about any negative emotion or habit that bothers you including being an abuser.

I hope Finding Personal Peace helps you as much with being an abuser as it helped me with my anger.

Rod Peeks

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Help Someone You Love Find Personal Peace Simply and Effectively

Life can be so frustrating at times. Distractions, lack of commitment, feeling rejected, entertaining too much mental chatter, prevailing sadness, and all sorts of negative emotions can become overwhelming. At its least, lack of peace can diminish our effectiveness. At its worst, it can be completely debilitating. You can find personal peace in a simple and effective way right there in the privacy of your home computer, laptop, iPad, or smart phone.

Do you ever feel like you’re being pulled this way and pushed that way? Do you have way too many unfinished projects because of distractions? Do you find important study, work, or meditation interrupted by other equally important thoughts that are interrupting you at the wrong time?

Is frustrating anxiety or listlessness the rule in your life instead of the exception? Do you feel like life is passing you by . . . like there are places you should be and things you should be doing that you just can’t quite accomplish?

Are you dealing with habits that leave you annoyed and down on yourself?

What we’re trying to describe is a general lack of peace.

If this becomes acute, resulting in depression or worse, it can be quite disconcerting and you should consider what I’m going to say next.

A common element in the lack of peace is a thought that acts as a downer on your emotions. These thoughts can continue for many years. When we let those thoughts take away our ability to do what we need to do, it can create an unhealthy situation for you.

If we let those thoughts lead us to anxiety, to becoming overwhelmed, or to being incapable of dealing with the required daily routine of life, we need to do something about it.

In a moment, you’ll see a very simple process you can use as often as you like to overcome your extended grief. Because I don’t want to leave you upset, I’m going to tell you about it and then direct you to try it – after you know what to expect.

Most negative emotions, however mild or intense, are initiated by a thought. The thoughts are typically about something that has happened in the past. It other words, it’s a memory, not reality, that is bothering us.

Right now, I want you to pause and think about something that leaves you feeling negative. But DON’T dwell on it. Immediately say to yourself, out loud, “I’m not going to think about that.” If it recurs, say it again

You’ll soon discover that the negative thought will go away. It will go away every time you demand that it go away.

You can deal with personal peace in such a simple way that many people have trouble accepting it. The most effective way to control negative thinking that steals your peace is to say to yourself, out loud, "I will not to think about that." Do it as often as necessary and do it out loud. Repeat as necessary - "I will not to think about that."

Someone said, “That’s easier said than done.”

Not really. You have the innate authority to decide what you want to think about. If a thought steals your peace, don’t think that thought. It’s your choice. As you make that choice again and again, your subconscious remembers how you like to respond and will start to make your response automatically. It’s amazing how quickly this can happen.

Furthermore, you were made with a subconscious mind that has over time formed the opinion that you like being frustrated and upset. To accommodate what you like to do, your subconscious will continue to give your frustrating thoughts.

The process of choosing not to dwell on those thoughts will, over time, convince your subconscious that you do not want to think about that those things anymore. It’s this process that creates the habit of peace and breaks the habit of frustration and anxiety.

At that point, you won't even realize you are thinking negative thoughts. Before they become conscious thoughts, you handle them subconsciously.

At some point, you won't even realize you are thinking negative thoughts because your subconscious is automatically responding to the thoughts before they become conscious thoughts.

Resources you can use

If someone you love could Find Personal Peace, would you take 3 minutes to learn more at http://findingpersonalpeace.com/s006?

You can use this idea for just about any negative emotion or habit that bothers you including needing more peace.

I hope Finding Personal Peace helps you find as much peace as it did for me!

Rod Peeks

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Transformers

Transform Yourself

Many of us need to be transformed – we just don’t know how to do it. 

I was thinking yesterday about Transformers. Do you remember the toys from a generation ago that could, with a few twists, turns, snaps, bends, and clicks, be changed from a menacing, powerful, figure of doom and destruction into a sleek, beautiful, vehicle possessing great style and grace.

My sons played for hours on end with first one transformation and then the other. What fun they had.

The need for transformation 

Open up your mind’s eye and take a look at yourself. What do you see?

Do you see a positive, compelling image of yourself; or do you see a sad, negative, off-putting picture? 

Do you see an image that is in need of a great transformation?

Understand that what you see in your mind’s eye is the actual image that your subconscious mind has of you. If you’re like many of us, that image has become less and less appealing as time passes.

Your subconscious is a vast storehouse of all your life experiences in great detail. It is also the database of every one of your reactions to all those experiences; as well as the thoughts and ruminations you continue to have on an ongoing basis. So over time you may very well have painted a bleak picture of who your subconscious believes you are; and it’s this role that you’re probably playing in your world today.

Wouldn't you like to be like the toy and by a few twists, turns, snaps, bends and clicks become a truly strong, dependable, and satisfied person who presents to the world an image of confidence and self-sufficiency?

By the way, since I encouraged you to perhaps start thinking about a negative image of yourself; I hereby tell you with authority, “STOP THINKING ABOUT IT- RIGHT NOW!”

Transformed

You can become a Transformer. You don’t have to accept the self-portrait that your subconscious has painted. You have the power to reduce the effect of the negative thinking almost immediately. 

Notice the sentence in ALL CAPS above. You have the authority to decide what you think about. You can stop thinking about anything you don’t want to think about. I’m not suggesting that you replace negative thinking with positive thinking. That’s an often-touted and just-as-often futile attempt to feel better. It’s always temporary.

You have an innate capacity to be happy. That capacity is often overwhelmed by negative thinking. Simply refusing to think about negative things will over a surprisingly short period of time allow the flicker of your inborn ability to start peeking out and eventually grow to a full beam of peace in your life.

In Finding Personal Peace we show you how to transform the negative you right out of your mental picture of yourself and allow the peaceful you to emerge.

We tell you what to do; we tell you why it works; and we lead you through a process of repetitive actions to reinforce your knowledge and belief into a new habit of peace. You take authority over the process.

So be transformed

Is there any reason not to start the process of transforming yourself today? I hope not.
www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships are a Team Sport

Relationships - Team Building Together

The old adage says there’s no “I” in team. Relationships need to be that way. 

Defining ego – “The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves.”

An issue that affects many relationships is that ego gets in the way. We often put our personal needs ahead of others. We think of ourselves first. Decisions are made on what’s best for us.

In 1973, Robert Ringer wrote a book entitled, “Winning Through Intimidation.” The title alone bothers me.
If someone wins then by implication someone loses. If we win by intimidation, it implies that our ideas are not accepted on their merits but rather on who shouts the loudest or applies the most powerful leverage.

Ringer says that his intent was to help individuals learn how to avoid being intimidated. He even changed the name in a subsequent printing to “To Be or Not to Be Intimidated?: That is the Question. “
Nevertheless, the original title has stuck and it seems to reinforce the natural inclination that the biggest, the strongest, the mostest wins; and the smaller, the weaker, the leaster loses. That premise, burned into the psyche of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries, has caused immeasurable damage to relationships in our generation.

The equation for a good relationship that has each person giving 100% of themselves to the relationship, has no room for intimidation. It allows no room for ego. It grants no license for one party in the relationship to lord it over the other party.
Why the emphasis on ego or self?
Beyond it being a natural inclination of most of us, there are several reasons for self to want to prevail.

1. On the school yard, the smaller or less coordinated are bullied and ridiculed.
2. On the team, the younger, weaker, and lesser skilled ride the bench.
3. The under-achieving child is often belittled by an unthinking parents or relatives.
4. The dreamer is said to lack focus and to be weak.
5. A domineering parent sets the pattern for future domination.
6. Living in a family of takers sets the mental switch creating another taker soon.
7. Not quite fitting in creates a determination to write the rules themselves someday.

These seven possibilities and a host of others have created a couple of generations now where winning, where prevailing, is the goal, the prize. This mindset does not bode well for any relationship.

Breaking the pattern

With a lifetime of experiences and often emotional pain that says “win or else,” it can be difficult to change the way we think. Why should we change anyway? “I've spent a lifetime getting to a point where I can make them respect me, and I like it.”

The reason we have to change is that we simply can’t be happy living without relationships. But good relationships need to support the mutual needs both parties instead of promoting the BIG one over the LITTLE other.

Our experiences, especially the painful ones, remind us every time we dwell on them; that we have to stand up for ourselves because nobody else will. A good relationship has the strength of the partner standing up for us while we stand up for them.

Patterns of the past have taught us to do what’s right for us and let the others catch up. A good relationship has each party doing what’s right for the other. There’s great comfort in knowing that someone has your back.

Base life on reality not on negative thinking 

If we dwell on the need to take care of ourselves today because no one else did when we were vulnerable, our relationships will fail. Yet, the reality is nobody is treating us like today. It may have been many years, but the memories are a fresh as yesterday, because we probably thought about them yesterday.

If we're governed by the idea that I had nothing to contribute then and I have nothing to contribute now, even though I'm in a relationship, it will be hard for that relationship to prosper.

Better to learn how to manage all that negative thinking from the past so it can’t damage the reality of present and future relationships. That’s what Finding Personal Peace offers – a way to manage all that trash thinking that makes us angry, depressed, selfish, sad, and worse.

Focus on the team of relationships by getting the self-centered thinking out of the way and you’ll begin to see reality, peace, and hope in all your relationships.

Focus on the reality of strong relationships today being far better that re-thinking the losses of yesteryear.

Go for it!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

What will You Give Up for Lent?

Peace is the Promise of Lent

Making change usually means giving up the old and taking on the new. 

I grew up in a non-liturgical church which didn't celebrate Lent. It wasn't until just a few years ago that I was part of a congregation that celebrates Lent. So I had a lot to learn.

Lent is a forty-day liturgical season that initiates the most sacred part of the Christian year.  Lent begins on Ash Wednesday and concludes Easter. Sundays aren't counted for some reason.

The word Lent actually comes from the Old English lencten, which means "lengthen."  It refers to the lengthening of the daylight hours that occurs in the northern hemisphere as spring approaches.  It is in this period of transition from late winter to early spring that the season of Lent falls.

Forty is a number that has a lot of Biblical significance.

It rained for 40 days. Moses was on the mountain for 40 days receiving the Ten Commandments. Israel wandered in the wilderness for 40 years. Elijah went 40 days into the wilderness. The people of Nineveh fasted and mourned for 40 days in response to the preaching of Jonah. Jesus fasted in the desert for 40 days after which he as tempted by Satan. Jesus was among his disciples for 40 days after the resurrection before He ascended into heaven. So it seems logical that Lent lasts 40 days.

Why practice Lent? 

According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, “the purpose of Lent is to provide that purification by weaning men from sin and selfishness through self-denial and prayer, by creating in them the desire to do God’s will and to make His kingdom come by making it come first of all in their hearts.”

What does this mean to us? 

Looking at the concept of Lent from a secular perspective, it’s a time when we give something up; a time when we make sacrifice.

Maybe we give up some of our comfort zone. Maybe we give up beliefs and thoughts that are dear to us. Maybe we give up habits that have the capacity to hurt us and hold us back from where we might be otherwise.

Comfort zone 

That’s a subjective term. Your comfort zone might be horrendous to someone else because you may have gotten comfortable in an atmosphere of pain and negativity that you know than you might be in the unknown of the alternatives. So we say, “I’ll just deal with it,” and continue trudging through our lives.

Beliefs and Thoughts 

Again, the impact of beliefs and thoughts is subjective. It’s true that you were hurt. And the recurring thoughts that you have represent something that truly happened. And you may take some satisfaction in the vengeance you deal out every time you think about those painful things.

Habits 

We get comfortable where we are and reconcile that this is the hand we were dealt and we’ll just play it. Maybe I eat too much. It doesn't hurt anybody but me. Maybe I languish in a menial job. It’s my life. I’m not hurting anybody else. I speak my mind. Don’t I have the right to do that?

Giving up for Lent 

Think about giving up your painful comfort zone and spending your 40 days seeking a peaceful lifestyle.

Why not give up debilitating thoughts in favor of personal peace?

Why not give up habits that hold you back and offend others and take up new habits?

You can do all that and more if you’ll let the course, Finding Personal Peace, show you how.

Why not give up emotional pain for Lent?

Why not give up negative thinking for Lent?

Why not give up old habits for Lent? Forty days later, you might not recognize yourself.

God bless,

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - No Man is an Island

Relationships are requisite for survival – we’re made that way. 

In 1624, John Donne wrote

No man is an island, Entire of itself. Each is a piece of the continent, A part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less.

Donne was saying that each of us is part of the whole cloth of mankind. One can reason that while some of us may try to isolate ourselves for a variety of reasons, it does not help us to do so because we are made to be part of a relationship.

I’m reading a book called Escape From Camp 14. It’s the story of a young man, Shin, in North Korea who was born in a labor camp and was kept there to be expunged of the sins of his parents. He grew up totally not trusting anyone. He even competed with his mother for food.

He was assigned to work with a new prisoner (actually to spy on him) who had lived out in a world that Shin knew nothing about. They developed a bond of trust that gave both the courage to escape; whereas Shin had been resolved to living out his life in the camp struggling, conniving, and even betraying others for a few grains of corn or leaves of cabbage.

The author refers to a study by Elmer Luchterhand, a sociologist at Yale, who studied 52 holocaust survivors shortly after their release from the camps. He concluded that the basic unit of survival is the pair, not the individual.

”It was in pairs that prisoners kept alive the semblance of humanity. Pairs stole food and clothing for each other, exchanged small gifts, and planned for the future. If one member of the pair fainted from hunger in front of a guard, the other would prop him up."

Eugene Weinstock, a Belgian resistance fighter who survived Buchenwald says, “Survival . . . could only be a social achievement, not an individual accident.”

The death of one member of the pair often doomed the other. It is said of women who knew them in the Bergen-Belsen camp, that Anne Frank survived hunger and typhus but lost her will to live after the death of her sister, Margot. This is morbid, but it’s worth thinking about.

Too many people have isolated themselves from society to avoid uncomfortable or even painful memories; perhaps in response to hurt or rejection.

A Skinner Box

B. F. Skinner, an American psychologist from the 1930’s, developed a device, called the Skinner Box, whereby laboratory animals could be isolated, manipulated, and controlled by teaching them to perform certain actions for rewards or to avoid punishments.

Repressive societies like the Nazis and the North Koreans use confinement, hunger, and fear to assert absolute control over prisoners. Guards breed prisoners whom they control, isolate, and pit against one another to the detriment of both. Shin’s labor camp was like a huge Skinner Box with thousands of test subjects - all human.

Self-imposed isolation 

So the individual who withdraws, for whatever reason, creates his own form of a Skinner Box, in which he is controlled by his own thoughts. He probably finds some narcissistic relief by responding to his own thoughts and gradually becomes more and more detached from society. One possible outcome is destructive sociopathic behavior. The more common outcome is the continued demise of a soul controlled by his own choices. Society loses in both cases.

God said in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good for man to be alone.” That’s just as true today as it was at the dawn of time.

Break out of your box 

You don’t have to stay in your self-imposed Skinner Box. You don’t have to let negative memories of long ago events keep you isolated. You can’t enjoy any of life's potential fulfillment when you’re isolated. Finding Personal Peace shows you how your thoughts isolate you; and more importantly how you can deal with those thoughts and break out of your isolation. You shouldn't be an island to yourself. You don’t have to be.
God bless,
 
www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - Faith Hope Love

The absolute key to successful relationships – Faith, Hope, Love

Somebody said, “That sounds a lot like the Bible.” In fact, it is from the Bible. 1 Corinthians 13:13 - "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

 Even if you’re one who does not accept the Bible literally, you must admit that there is some compelling logic in these words for anybody who pursues good relationships.

Faith - confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability; not necessarily based on proof. In any relationship, you must have faith (believe) in this relationship with your partner; your spouse; your friend; your child; your parent. Believe that great things can happen because you two are together. Believe that things will work out. Believe that you will find what you’re looking for together. It’s faith that allows you to set high expectations for the relationship. It’s a heartfelt belief.

Hope - the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. Hope is what gets you up and out each day – you have the feeling that it’s all going to work out. Hope, coupled with faith, will carry you over the rough spots and through the deep water to a secure footing on the other side. Hope tells you things will get better. Love - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person or a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

Love is the glue of the relationship. Love is the force that compels you to defend your relationship and the individual against all attackers.

I'm still reading World War II non-fiction. I learned over the weekend that probably the most common basis for awarding the Medal of Honor (our highest ranking medal for valor) to Marines in the Pacific battles was throwing one's body on a live grenade to protect his comrades.

Are you willing to take a grenade for your spouse? Your child? Your friend? If you are, it’s the love you have for them that always puts their needs before your own.

The verse describes love as the most durable of the three characteristics. It’s love that is the driving energy in the relationship when your faith gets buffeted by circumstances. It’s love that makes you keep looking for the peaks when hope has deserted you in the dark valleys. It’s love that sustains you when attacks from either from your partner or others.

It’s a one-way street 

Faith, hope, and love in the context here are outgoing features. They describe you; not your partner. In the 100% - 100% ratio that we talked about in an earlier post, you’re responsible for all the faith, hope, and love in your relationship. That’s all you have any control over. If you partner carries their 100% well, then you have an incredibly strong relationship.

If you struggle with your faith, your hope, and your love in any relationship, take a look at the thoughts that weigh heavily on your attitudes. You don’t have to let yourself be drawn by doubts, low expectations, and low esteem for your partner. You get to decide whether the relationship is strong enough. You get to take control of any negative thinking that you have. You get to choose whether you will listen to negativity of whether you will be true to faith, hope, and love.

If you have trouble with that choice, Finding Personal Peace can help you.

To an awesome relationship,
 
www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Oh, For Just a Little Light

When one is in darkness, even a spark is blinding

Which Light is Yours?

Do you know about darkness?

Lately, I’m into reading about the World War II battles in the Pacific. One prohibition that every sailor carried with him was no smoking on deck at night. The glow from the business end of a cigarette could be seen for miles and could reveal the position of his ship to the enemy. It happened.

Have you ever been in total darkness? Like on a cave tour when they turn the lights out? When you literally can’t see your hand in front of your face?

Lots of people are like that emotionally. Their life is so dark that they can’t see what their next step should be. They are so hungry for a respite from the darkness and pain that they grope through the darkness for any relief including drugs, alcohol, and ultimately . . .

What they would give for just a spark of hope; for a moment of understanding; for a glimmer of understanding in an otherwise dismal situation.

Just a little light

I used the graphic of penlights to make this point. Every person’s light may be different – different shape, different duration, different intensity. But the common thread is that for the time that the light shines, there is hope – hope of an answer, hope of understanding, a hope of peace.

What’s the source of this little light?

It has to come from within. Sure, someone could shine a light on you and reveal important things in its beam. But that light is temporary. When the hand holding the light goes away, so does the light.

Coming from within means that you control the light. You can turn it on at will. You can turn it on as often as you like. You can shine the light here and you can shine it there across your emotional darkness.

Such power

When one is in darkness, even a spark is blinding. You can have the power to light that spark anytime you choose.

You can simply rest in the little spotlight for a time to relieve the pain.

You can use the illumination to make a reasoned decision affecting your future.

You can begin to see answers.

And when that light goes out, you can light it again; or you can light another light. It’s your choice – you have the power.

Somebody said, “Yeah, like I believe that!”

For several years, I walked in some darkness caused by an anger problem. I learned that I didn't have to give in to my angry thoughts. I didn't have to let them rule me; I could rule them.

Just like I did, you can learn how to rule over your dark emotional thoughts, regardless of what they are.

And when you shut down just one thought, for the moment it’s shut down, you have a moment of light; a moment of peace.

And that thought comes back; and you shut it down again.

What I learned, and what I've put into Finding Personal Peace, is that you develop a habit of shutting down that thought. And another thought. And even another thought. Any negative thought!

As you shut down more and more dark thoughts, you have more and more pen lights shining in your soul. Every day you can walk more and more in light rather than darkness.

You can make decisions from within the light that are better decisions than the ones you made from the darkness.

I can’t shine the light for you; and I wouldn't if I could. The light that I might shine is temporary for as long as I’m there.

What you want is to have your hand on the light switch in your life. You want to break the habit of letting the darkness rule. You want to make the habit of walking in the light of your own peace.

If you need more light, more peace, or if you know someone who does, visit Finding Personal Peace to learn how you can have what you need.

God bless,

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships are Covenants

A relationship is a covenant – at least it is if you want it to last.

“No way,” someone said. “That’s getting too serious.” I suggest that if you take that attitude, then maybe your track record with relationships is a bit spotty.

A covenant in the simplest form is an agreement. Isn't that what people do? They agree to become friends; to work together; to have a relationship. Sometimes they never actually say the words, but by mutual consent, they enter into a relationship – a covenant or agreement with each other..

When they do that, they usually have some expectations of each other. As long as those expectations are reasonably met, the relationship continues.

That’s in its simplest form.

There are also formal covenants.

Marriage would be the most common example of a formal covenant. When two people stand before a judge, priest, or minister and before witnesses making vows to seal their relationship, they enter into a formal covenant together. By taking the vows, they incur legal liabilities and life-long responsibilities to both each other and their progeny.

To what extent is each responsible to the success of the covenant? It’s popular today to talk about a 50-50 relationship meaning that each person has an equal responsibility to the success of the relationship. The parties have divided the responsibilities of the relationship much like they might divide the household chores. This can lead to keeping a figurative balance sheet so each can ensure that the other is doing their part.

I submit that 50-50 that weakens many relationships.

Consider this proposition: A strong relationship is 100% - 100% with each person agreeing to be responsible for making all the effort to fulfill the relationship. If both parties are doing all they can to keep the relationship strong, how can it fail? This approach provides for the relationship to remain strong when one party or the other for some reason cannot keep up their part. Then the pendulum of life may swing and the other party assumes more of the responsibility for a time.

And you never get to the point of one party saying, “That’s more than I agreed to do,” because each agreed to do 100% if necessary.

What about the kids?

Your children lock you into an incredibly strong, one-sided covenant. When you create a child, you are agreeing to do everything possible (100%) to help that child become an independent, responsible adult. When parents do that, the likelihood of the child growing to truly functioning maturity is greatly enhanced.

You hurt the innocent if you shirk your covenant to your kids.

Does this chap you?

Did it rub you the wrong way to read what I've written? Why does that bother you?

If you’re carrying emotional baggage that prevents your fully participating in a covenant relationship, you can dump that baggage just like yesterday’s garbage.

If your past prevents you from providing for your future, you can shed the past like water off a duck’s back.

If your tomorrow lies in the shadow of your past, you can be rid of those shadows today.

Finding Personal Peace has the tools for living in strong covenantal relationships.

Check it out.



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Be a Butterfly!

It’s quite a journey from caterpillar to butterfly. Have you taken it?

Soar Like a Butterfly

Have you ever watched a pupa struggling to get out of its cocoon and take flight as a beautiful butterfly? Would you agree that the result is worth the effort insofar as enjoying a beautiful insect in our garden or around our flower beds?

Can you Identify with Life in a Cocoon?

Many people are in struggles with serious implications. We are caught up in a tough, unyielding cocoon of emotions and negative thinking. We resolve again and again to burst out of the prison we’re in; but again and again, we give up, usually before the struggle starts, and slowly slide back down in the darkness of our hopelessness. If we don’t get free, the emotions may eventually destroy us.

Take a moment and describe your personal cocoon – from the inside. What is it that defeats you again and again? Why is it that you can’t soar in the bright sunshine like everyone else? It really does seem that everyone is soaring except you, doesn’t it. Is what binds you actually happening again and again or is it just the emotional handcuffs of thinking about something painful in your past.

Or someone you love dearly is trapped in their own emotional cocoon.

Wouldn't you like to help them escape?

Its hard watching someone we love hurting; watching them fight against the emotions that shackle them. It’s tempting to try to make the pain go away.

What would happen if we snipped the end off a literal cocoon so the butterfly could slip out and soar? The simple truth is that he wouldn't soar – he would die. The butterfly needs the exertion of opening the cocoon to strengthen itself for life as a butterfly.

Who of us would not snap our fingers and release a friend from bondage if we could? It just won’t work. One needs the experience of beating the odds – of winning the battle – to make the habit of living the role as a freed person. Emotional prisons have to be opened from the inside.

Look at the cocoon

Have you examined an empty cocoon? Look at the frayed opening and you’ll see the thousands of tiny threads that have been cut from within by the baby butterfly. You could think of the threads as the negative emotional thinking that entraps you in your emotional cocoon.

Breaking free

Unless we deal with each of those emotional threads ourselves, we can’t escape the cocoon.

Somebody said, “My problems are too big.”

Dr. Richard Carlson (see the book list at the right) wrote a book entitled “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” with the subtitle, “It’s all small stuff.”

It’ can be overwhelming to consider everything as a whole – to always look at the big picture. It’s much more feasible when we realize that the emotional cocoon is made up of many tiny emotional thoughts; and if we deal with those thoughts one at a time as they recur, we will eventually have dealt with all of them.

And dealing with a single thought gives us a tiny bit of emotional peace. The thought may come back and we deal with it again. But it’s not long until the tiny moments of peace become connected and you have developed a habit of peace regarding that particular issue.

Our mind is an incredible thing; but it always works one thought at a time; if we slice things small enough. We can deal with some really big things by handling just one piece at a time.

I've just described the working premise of Finding Personal Peace in three paragraphs.

You don’t have to continue to be trapped in your own emotional cocoon. You can be free to soar in peace.

Go for it!



www.findingpersonal peace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - Reach Out and Touch Someone

An essential component of most good relationships is touching.

Touching is Essential

Relationships seem to follow a fairly consistent developmental course from the initial contact to the height of the relationship.

Personal space

Touching may be restricted by the social norms. In North America, we have developed comfort zones around us. Intimate space is limited to about 18 inches. From there to about 4 feet is personal space. There is a social-communicative space of 4 to 12 feet and a public space from 12 feet to the horizon. We can feel uncomfortable if a stranger enters our personal space or a mere acquaintance enters our intimate space. Of course, this varies according to culture.

A friend lived in China for awhile. She told me of taking a bus and being so crowded that at one point she was so pressed about by people that her feet wouldn’t touch the floor. This went on for some distance.  In that culture both adults and teenagers of all ages think nothing of pushing up against you when asking questions or standing beside you. This would be unheard of in most Western cultures.

Touching

Non-verbal communication, especially the body language associated with touching and cuddling can provide a lot of information regarding the seriousness of a relationship. There seems to be a need for touch that many people are lacking. Touching each other on a regular basis, even if it is only a passing touch, seem to lead to a deeper, more lasting relationship, while those are reluctant seem to be less interested in the future development of the relationship and less interested in developing a deeper intimacy with their partner.

It’s possible that you can one predict how committed your partner is by the amount of touching and intimate cuddling that goes on. Does a decrease in touching signify that there is a problem with the relationship?

I grew up in a family of non-huggers. I honestly cannot remember even one hug between myself and any of my brothers and sisters. My son has married into a family of huggers. To watch the joy and interaction in that family compared to my experience leaves me disappointed. The plus is that his extended family has extended their loving hugs to include us. We like that very much.

In most cultures today, people who do not know each other do not seek to touch each other. In fact, even eye contact with strangers can be uncomfortable for some. This is obvious when you are traveling on public transport or looking at someone across a crowded room that you do not know. As much as you may want to look at someone to “check them out”, it is an uncomfortable feeling if you get caught!

However, as soon as an introduction occurs and two strangers formally meet for the first time, the initial action that usually occurs is a handshake. This may occur with a third party or when you introduce yourself to another person for the first time. Without any conscious thought, this is an initial step in meeting another human of the same sex or different sex.

If mutual interest is there, the couple then moves on to the second stage where they begin to show their interest in interacting and their hidden aspects of likes and dislikes. This leads to the next stage where they continue to expose more of their hidden self.

As a couple moves through the various stages of the relationship, the amount of touching increases. Eventually, a type of private culture begins between the two partners. Each learns more about the other’s thoughts, feelings, and inner personality traits that have not been observed up to this point. Touching reaches a peak, as the couple cannot get enough of each other.

Next we have a period during which couples slow down to take a more realistic look at their relationship, its problems, and whether to stay together for the long haul. If a decision is made to stay together, then the couple moves on to the final stage, commitment.

During the stage of commitment and the ongoing process of staying committed, the amount of touching will say a lot about the closeness of the couple. Apparently, if the amount of touching occurs in the euphoria stage continues into the commitment stage, it is a good sign of a healthy relationship.

A mother lamented that she could not love her seven-year old daughter who was the product of a very abusive relationship that ended before the child was born. She simply did not feel any affection toward the girl because of bad memories of the girl’s father. The story is complicated by the birth of a second daughter from a loving relationship who means everything to the mother.

The advice given is to make a conscious, consistent effort for as long as it takes to touch, hug, hold and cuddle the older daughter. Human nature being what it is, the child will almost invariably respond to the touching.

So what about you?

Do you find yourself drawing back from touching? Do you know why? Are there thoughts that crowd your mind that make touching uncomfortable for you?

The objective of Finding Personal Peace is to help you deal with repetitive thoughts that hurt you. If you can’t touch someone you love, there might be a way to overcome that. The rewards to the relationship are worth the effort.

Go for it!

Remember that the couple that cuddles together usually stays together!

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!