Relationships are Covenants

A relationship is a covenant – at least it is if you want it to last.

“No way,” someone said. “That’s getting too serious.” I suggest that if you take that attitude, then maybe your track record with relationships is a bit spotty.

A covenant in the simplest form is an agreement. Isn't that what people do? They agree to become friends; to work together; to have a relationship. Sometimes they never actually say the words, but by mutual consent, they enter into a relationship – a covenant or agreement with each other..

When they do that, they usually have some expectations of each other. As long as those expectations are reasonably met, the relationship continues.

That’s in its simplest form.

There are also formal covenants.

Marriage would be the most common example of a formal covenant. When two people stand before a judge, priest, or minister and before witnesses making vows to seal their relationship, they enter into a formal covenant together. By taking the vows, they incur legal liabilities and life-long responsibilities to both each other and their progeny.

To what extent is each responsible to the success of the covenant? It’s popular today to talk about a 50-50 relationship meaning that each person has an equal responsibility to the success of the relationship. The parties have divided the responsibilities of the relationship much like they might divide the household chores. This can lead to keeping a figurative balance sheet so each can ensure that the other is doing their part.

I submit that 50-50 that weakens many relationships.

Consider this proposition: A strong relationship is 100% - 100% with each person agreeing to be responsible for making all the effort to fulfill the relationship. If both parties are doing all they can to keep the relationship strong, how can it fail? This approach provides for the relationship to remain strong when one party or the other for some reason cannot keep up their part. Then the pendulum of life may swing and the other party assumes more of the responsibility for a time.

And you never get to the point of one party saying, “That’s more than I agreed to do,” because each agreed to do 100% if necessary.

What about the kids?

Your children lock you into an incredibly strong, one-sided covenant. When you create a child, you are agreeing to do everything possible (100%) to help that child become an independent, responsible adult. When parents do that, the likelihood of the child growing to truly functioning maturity is greatly enhanced.

You hurt the innocent if you shirk your covenant to your kids.

Does this chap you?

Did it rub you the wrong way to read what I've written? Why does that bother you?

If you’re carrying emotional baggage that prevents your fully participating in a covenant relationship, you can dump that baggage just like yesterday’s garbage.

If your past prevents you from providing for your future, you can shed the past like water off a duck’s back.

If your tomorrow lies in the shadow of your past, you can be rid of those shadows today.

Finding Personal Peace has the tools for living in strong covenantal relationships.

Check it out.



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Be a Butterfly!

It’s quite a journey from caterpillar to butterfly. Have you taken it?

Soar Like a Butterfly

Have you ever watched a pupa struggling to get out of its cocoon and take flight as a beautiful butterfly? Would you agree that the result is worth the effort insofar as enjoying a beautiful insect in our garden or around our flower beds?

Can you Identify with Life in a Cocoon?

Many people are in struggles with serious implications. We are caught up in a tough, unyielding cocoon of emotions and negative thinking. We resolve again and again to burst out of the prison we’re in; but again and again, we give up, usually before the struggle starts, and slowly slide back down in the darkness of our hopelessness. If we don’t get free, the emotions may eventually destroy us.

Take a moment and describe your personal cocoon – from the inside. What is it that defeats you again and again? Why is it that you can’t soar in the bright sunshine like everyone else? It really does seem that everyone is soaring except you, doesn’t it. Is what binds you actually happening again and again or is it just the emotional handcuffs of thinking about something painful in your past.

Or someone you love dearly is trapped in their own emotional cocoon.

Wouldn't you like to help them escape?

Its hard watching someone we love hurting; watching them fight against the emotions that shackle them. It’s tempting to try to make the pain go away.

What would happen if we snipped the end off a literal cocoon so the butterfly could slip out and soar? The simple truth is that he wouldn't soar – he would die. The butterfly needs the exertion of opening the cocoon to strengthen itself for life as a butterfly.

Who of us would not snap our fingers and release a friend from bondage if we could? It just won’t work. One needs the experience of beating the odds – of winning the battle – to make the habit of living the role as a freed person. Emotional prisons have to be opened from the inside.

Look at the cocoon

Have you examined an empty cocoon? Look at the frayed opening and you’ll see the thousands of tiny threads that have been cut from within by the baby butterfly. You could think of the threads as the negative emotional thinking that entraps you in your emotional cocoon.

Breaking free

Unless we deal with each of those emotional threads ourselves, we can’t escape the cocoon.

Somebody said, “My problems are too big.”

Dr. Richard Carlson (see the book list at the right) wrote a book entitled “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” with the subtitle, “It’s all small stuff.”

It’ can be overwhelming to consider everything as a whole – to always look at the big picture. It’s much more feasible when we realize that the emotional cocoon is made up of many tiny emotional thoughts; and if we deal with those thoughts one at a time as they recur, we will eventually have dealt with all of them.

And dealing with a single thought gives us a tiny bit of emotional peace. The thought may come back and we deal with it again. But it’s not long until the tiny moments of peace become connected and you have developed a habit of peace regarding that particular issue.

Our mind is an incredible thing; but it always works one thought at a time; if we slice things small enough. We can deal with some really big things by handling just one piece at a time.

I've just described the working premise of Finding Personal Peace in three paragraphs.

You don’t have to continue to be trapped in your own emotional cocoon. You can be free to soar in peace.

Go for it!



www.findingpersonal peace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - Who's Pulling the Rope?

There’s always a rope. Are you the one pulling up or dragging down?

Which way are you pulling?

In relationships people are connected. You can imagine that each of you is holding onto a rope. The rope is seldom still because you and your partner are different people; each with different needs, aspirations, and emotions often pulling in different directions.

What you should want is that the relationship be always trending upward by one or both of you – usually alternating - keeping upward direction on the rope. When one is dragging down, the other is pulling up. Then the situation may be reversed.

Relationships are strained

Relationships are strained if one of you is dragging the other down. If this goes on long enough, one of the partners may be hurt. If the hurt continues long enough, the relationship may be damaged or broken.

You should already have figured out that there is very little to do to change your partner. What you can do is to make sure that you’re not the one dragging the relationship down. The rest of this post is looking at you and how you respond when you’re down.

Different responses

A typical response, maybe without much thought, is to pull your partner down to your level. There’s some weird concept of misery loving company. So you keep pulling on your end of the rope until your partner is sharing your emotional level.

Maybe you’re too stubborn to admit that your partner is right.

Maybe you’re too proud to admit that you need to be helped; that you don’t have the situation under control.

Maybe your snap judgment is to let go of the rope. That removes part of the pressure on you - the good part.

Sometimes you resist all the harder. Maybe you’re blaming your partner for how you feel; maybe you’re bearing a grudge toward your partner; or resentment; or envy; or revenge.

Or maybe it’s something totally unrelated to your partner; work, extended family, some threat toward you.

Whatever is roiling through your mind, give value to the fact that your partner is still holding the rope and trying to pull you back up out of the emotional mess you’re in.

Sometimes we pretend that nothing is wrong and keep living life as it is.

All these attempts to drag your partner down will eventually damage or destroy the relationship.

A matter of trust

Why don’t you just trust your partner? They’re trying to lift you up. They’re trying to give you hope and encouragement. Trust them to know what they’re doing.

Relax. Even if you don’t know what to do, let them gently and lovingly draw you up to higher ground. If you keep struggling, you’re creating pressure on both of you.

It’s just a matter of time until the situation is reversed and you’re the one gently, lovingly lifting your partner back up.

Don’t give up on the relationship; but make doubly sure that you’re not the one who is always the dead weight.

If you are, you can do something about that. You don’t have to accept the negative thinking that typically sends you into the emotional pit.

Do your partner and your relationship a great favor by learning how to deal with all your negative thinking and negative emotions. That’s what Finding Personal Peace is all about.

God bless,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - What's in the Mirror?

Use a mirror to test the health of your relationships.

See Your Relationship?

Look in an imaginary mirror and picture what you would see if your relationship partner were looking at  you. Try to decide if you are pleased with the relationship as your partner sees it.

What kind of partner are you?

Do You Give Respect and Honor

• When you look at yourself do you see someone that shows respect and honor to your partner at every possible opportunity?


• Do you show respect and honor by your words and deeds?


• Does your partner get to walk daily in the reflection of your respect and honor for them?

Respect applies to opinions and ideas. Respect doesn’t let your partner be the butt of careless humor or embarrassment by you. You may have to practice some restraint when disrespectful words start to escape your mouth either about or in the presence of your partner.

Honor lifts your partner. Let the world see in your eyes that your partner has a worthy place in your mind and heart.

Your respect and honor should be so automatic that you do it reflexively. You shouldn’t have to think about it at all.

If you can’t do that, ask yourself why not. Try to recognize the thoughts that precede your lack of respect and honor and privately deal with them.

Do You See Truthfulness and Openness

When you look in the mirror, do you see truthfulness and openness? Do you hide things from your partner? Do you find it difficult to talk to your partner about some things?

You don’t want to burden and hurt your partner by raw but irrelevant details. But if something from your past has a bearing on the present relationship, it needs to come out.

Do You See Decorum and Decency

This may sound so twentieth century. Does your partner wish they were somewhere else when inappropriate language gushes from your mouth? Do your friends know details of your relationship that ought to be secrets between you and your partner? Do your children see or hear you embarrassing them or their other parent by your words.

There’s still a place for decency in this world. There are times and places that some topics or language should not be spoken. If you and your partner disagree on that, that’s a stress that your relationship doesn’t need. If it’s you, you can do something about it. If it’s your partner, they need to know that they are acting in a way that discomforts you. (see Truthfulness and Openness)

Do You See Safety and Security

Is your partner completely comfortable that you are not going to suggest a situation that endangers either of you? Is your partner certain that you will protect the security of your relationship vigorously?

While you may have a daredevil bent, it is not fair for you to expect your partner to share that nature or participate in such activities. It is not helpful to your relationship if you suggest actions that make your partner feel uncomfortable or worry about your safety.

Don’t give me the excuse; “If they loved me they would . . .” You might want to consider what is making you see those activities as fun when your partner sees them with fear.

What do you see in the mirror? Think about it.



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Narcissism – Death Knell for Relationships

Narcissim - The Peacock Syndrome

There's no room in a relationship for a peacock!

Two definitions for narcissism:

1. Excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance.


2. Extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration.

The danger of narcissism to a relationship is that the narcissist is focused only on himself. Life is a mirror in which he sees himself and all his wonderful attributes or his needs.

Narcissists disconnect from themselves as children and lack any inner sense of self. They seek validation from partners in relationships but they’re not interested in giving validation because that takes the focus away from themselves.

Love is not the objective of their relationships. To narcissists, relationships provide that someone is always present for the following:

• Someone to cater to their needs


• Someone to stroke their ego


• Someone to control and use at their convenience and disposal

To the narcissist, the partners is seen as nothing more than and extension of himself. Men will often select a trophy wife to display their sexual prowess – just a status symbol. Females are typically attracted to wealthy men who can support their obsession with image and status.

The narcissist will often have a significant other who is always there to cater, stroke, and submit as needed while the narcissist seeks constantly changing and exciting validation otherwise. They always need someone to fall back on.

It’s hard for many partners to accept the fact that they are not an object of love for the narcissist. They’re just a pawn; a source of supply to keep them stroked – nothing more, nothing less.

What if you’re the narcissist?

1. When you find yourself feeling a lack of empathy toward your partner, you can take those thoughts captive.


2. When you find yourself feeling a willingness to exploit your partner, you can control those thoughts.


3. When you find yourself putting your partner on a pedestal to make yourself look better, you can choose to stop dwelling on that.


4. You may find yourself exaggerating your accomplishments and trying to associate with other 'high level' people. Don’t give time for those thoughts in your life.


5. You may exhibit an excessive sense of entitlement, looking for preferential treatment as a right. You don’t have to spend time on those feelings.


6. When you find yourself focusing craving admiration, you can control that thinking.


7. When you find yourself jealous of the accomplishments of your partner; and even becoming angry at the successes of others, you don’t have to give in to that thinking.

The premise is that narcissistic behavior begins with a thought and you don’t have to deal with thoughts that are potentially harmful to you or your relationship.

We talk about that in Finding Personal Peace.

Here's to building strong relationships,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="160"] Are You Making Good Decisions?[/caption]

Life is filled with decisions. Maybe dozens if not scores of them every day. Some decisions are relatively insignificant – Do I want to turn the ceiling fan on? Others may introduce serious problems – Do I want to go to work today? Others may be deadly – I’ll have just one more beer before driving home.

Three criteria of a good decision

Onlinesuccesscentre.com defines three characteristics of a good decision:

“First, a decision is whole and sound when we've done the homework and understand what is involved. We've talked with, or at least thought about, others who deserve to be considered. Finally, before we act, we have reflected on what really matters. We have covered the bases.” Seeking wise counsel may be part of the necessary homework before an important decision.

“Second, decisions made with integrity are coherent in that the reasons we give for our decision actually align with the decision itself. Coherence is not accidental. We create it. When we deliberately integrate our beliefs and actions, we walk our talk.”

“Finally, good decisions are transparent. Accountability and trust rest on openness and honesty. When we speak directly and candidly to others about our decision and its impact, we become accountable for our choice. Integrity requires telling the truth, including the hard parts.”

Clear thinking vs. distracted thinking

All three criteria require clear thinking. Decisions may not always be right, but making the decision in an atmosphere of clear thinking greatly increases the likelihood of a good, effective decision.

Unfortunately, many important decisions are made under a cloud of emotions or distractions.

Negative thinking

I've said a lot in my posts about negative thinking. We simply do not have the capacity to make a good decision when we are stressed out emotionally.

An area pastor recently murdered his wife and attempted to kill his daughter before attempting to take his own life. I don’t know his circumstances but I’m sure that his emotions were in an uproar when he decided to pick up that gun.

When we’re strung out emotionally, we tend to make snap judgments just to relieve the pain or stress.

Hyper-emotions

It can also be risky to make decisions when our emotions are hyper-elated. How many cars are bought from the smell and feel of the test drive without considering the monthly payments, not to mention the insurance?

How many lives are irrevocably changed in the height of passion when it’s virtually impossible to make a rational decision?

Life doesn’t have to be that way

Fortunately, we can create a clear-thinking environment by taking control of our distracted thinking. One of the lessons in Finding Personal Peace is about making good decisions.

Good decisions can become routine; not a shot in the dark.

Regards,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Why Do Relationships Fail?

Relationships - Spouse - Family

I Googled reasons why relationship fail and found these to be interesting.

1.  You’re playing to win

Competition between partners is one of the deadliest killers of relations. This competition is often fostered by because one of the partners has compelling thought patterns that simply do not allow them to second-best. These thoughts, while not necessarily negative, are very often harmful to both parties.

2.  You don’t trust your partner

In some cases, the broken trust is earned thought infidelity or deceit. In many cases the trust is a result of negative thinking that tells you that you or your partners are not worthy of being trusted; or the lack trust comes from reasons 3 or 4.

3.  You don’t talk

Negative thinking tells you that your opinion is not worth expressing. Or, negative thinking convinces you that you are protecting your partner by shielding them from the truth. Or, negative thinking makes you think that you will be belittled or embarrassed by sharing the truth.

4.  You don’t listen

Listening is hard. Negative thinking tells you that your opinion is more important than that of your partner. Negative thinking says they don’t have the right to criticize you.

5.  You spend like a single person

Negative thinking tells you that you earned the money; therefore you have the right to spend it as you choose. Negative thinking also causes you to insist on spending on a lifestyle that your partner does not share. Negative thinking tells you that your partner is trying to control you by insisting on controlling your sending patterns.

6.  You’re afraid of breaking up

Negative thinking tells you that you’ll never find another relationship like this one. You may be able to generate the appearance of a happy relationship for awhile, but your negative thinking will color all parts of the relationship and eventually cause it to break up. See 7.

7.  You’re dependent

Negative thinking tells you that it’s your partner’s responsibility to make you complete; that you cannot possibly live without them. Negative thinking may lead you to blame your partner because your needs are not being met. Either way, this creates a great deal of unreasonable pressure on

8.  You expect happiness

Negative thinking tells you that something is wrong if you’re not happy. See 6 and 7..

9.  You never fight

A good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which is a perfectly normal part of a human’s emotional make-up. Negative thinking tells you that anger or even disagreement will end the relationship.

10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard

There are two deeply problematic areas of negative thinking that damage a relationship. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard — and that therefore if it’s hard, it must be worth having. To base your relationship on either extreme can cause problems.

It’s not easy to have a great relationship. But it’s not impossible, either — it takes some work, of course, but it’s good work, work that’s a joy when everything comes together.

A lot of times, though, the work isn't enough. We get in our own way with negative thinking and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it.

Get your negative thinking under control and watch your relationship improve.

All the best,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Find Your Star

[caption id="attachment_445" align="alignright" width="179"] Searching for Your Peace Star[/caption]

I’m not going to try to argue whether the Three Wise Men from the East were real or whether they were part of the stories surrounding the birth of Christ.

For the purposes of this story, this could be true or it could be legend.

Far away to the East

The three kings were so rich that they didn't have to work for a living. They didn't have to go to the factory or to the brokerage office or the bank. It would fit the culture that while the masses worked, the kings devoted their lives to scientific study of the earth or the heavens.

Our three guys spent their nights looking at the stars and their days writing about anything they saw that was new.

On occasion, they saw a comet or that one of the nearby planets appeared to be especially bright. They identified the constellations as they moved across the heavens. They might see meteors or eclipses. When they saw something new, they tried to understand it based either on their prior observations or they would speculate on what it might mean.

One night they saw a really unusual sight. It was a star so bright that it had to have special meaning.

It was so special that they arranged to have their affairs managed by capable men and they packed up their entourage and headed west.

Living with a Passion

Day after day they traveled and night after night they checked on their special star.

They journeyed with a passion that was fired by the unknown meaning of the special star.

And according to the Matthew account, after a year or two, they found their way to the house where the Christ Child lived. They presented their gifts and worshiped Him.

The Missing Passion

What a shame it is that so many people live a life without passion. It has little to do with wealth or station; it has more to do with being fulfilled and complete.

If we have passion, even the setbacks are just speed bumps on the road to meaning in our life.

But without passion, it may be a struggle to just get out of bed.

Without passion, we may fall victim to looking for peace in all the wrong places.

Without passion, personal peace suffers.

Passion is possible for all of us

Always be looking for your special star; the star that could add passion to your life. It could appear at any moment – if it’s not hidden by negativity that often swirls around us.

Learning how to deal with the negativity the key to finding first peace, then passion. I’d love to share with you some of the things I’ve learned about restoring personal peace. Just click the link at the bottom.

Seek Passion – It’s Worth It

God bless,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

A Candle of Hope

[caption id="attachment_434" align="alignright" width="159"] The Candle of Hope[/caption]

Today at church we lit the first Advent Candle, the Candle of Hope. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. What a powerful emotion is hope! Hope is a strong girder that can span wide chasms of circumstances that assail many of us.

Hope is a powerful engine that can push us through the struggles that often seem to block our way.

Hope makes tomorrow seem brighter than today; today brighter than yesterday.

So we lit the candle of Hope and a bold flame shown steady and bright.

A Flicker of Hope

So many people don’t have even a flicker of hope. For them, hope is overwhelmed by a flood of negative emotions and negative thinking. Know anybody like that?

It’s sad when the road is always running uphill and getting steeper.

It’s sad when the storm on our emotional horizon is growing with each passing day instead of receding with each new sunrise.

It’s sad when we don’t care any more.

Life doesn’t have to be that way.

We have an innate capacity for hope. We were built that way.

Something inside us truly wants the best for us.  That inner feeling can begin to grow if we give it time and space to expand.

That inner feeling can be reinforced if by clear thinking we can make timely and good life decisions that need to be made.

That inner feeling can become more real every day as we let ourselves have more peace.

So how is that possible?

We don’t have to let the negative thinking take over our lives.

We don’t have to dwell on every bad that thing that has happened to us or that we have caused to happen to ourselves or others.

We don’t have to stew and foment as a matter of habit. Bad habits can be broken. New habits can be made.

There is neither time nor space here to tell you how this is possible. You’re welcome to visit the link below my name for the details.

The Candle of Hope can become a blazing torch if you give it the fuel of personal peace.

God bless!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

We Need Your Help!

Finding Personal Peace has been published for about two months now. The response has been gratifying. Just today a pastor who reviewed it described it saying, “This is incredible. It's so well done and the potential for helping people is enormous.”

We'd like to make an effort over the next few weeks to seriously validate the course.

To that end, we're posting the following advertisement on several of the social media sites and forums.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Would Some Personal Peace Today be Nice?

We're looking for 100 volunteers to help us validate a promising new on-line course, Finding Personal Peace, that shows you how to find some personal peace in just about any emotional circumstance.

We will make it worth your while to volunteer by offering some valuable coupons that you can redeem. The value of the coupons may be as much as $500 or more.

If you want to know more about the project and about volunteering to help, please send an email to volunteer@findingpersonalpeace.com. We'll send the details right back to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you know someone who would be willing to help us, please pass this along to them.

We need a strong test to make sure the course works under the kind of load we expect to have as the word gets around.

If you know someone who would like some personal peace; or who would like the chance to redeem some pretty valuable gifts; or who would simply like to help us help others; please send an email to the email address below. Thanks

All the best!



Rod @ Finding Personal Peace
volunteer@findingpersonalpeace.com

Do You Have Emotional Pain?

We all understand physical pain. We get hurt; it heals; the pain goes away. Very few of us relive the physical event again and experience the pain again. It remains in our mind as“an awareness that it was indeed at one time painful,” says Dr. Kip Williams from Purdue University.

On the other hand, emotional pain tends to linger, in no small part, because we continue to rethink the emotional hurt that caused the pain. The event remains fresh in our minds; and, in fact, may become more intense with the replaying of it.

In the brain, pain is pain.

Studies show that to the brain, heartbreak and emotional torment are no different from having hot coffee spilled on your hand. The stimuli produce nearly identical brain reactions." The understanding growing among pain researchers is that, in your brains, physical and social pain share much the same neural circuitry. In many ways, in fact, your brain may scarcely make a distinction between a verbal and physical insult.

CNN reported that “getting burned and getting dumped feel exactly the same.”

Researchers at the University of Florida found that acetaminophen (the major ingredient of Tylenol) relieved emotional pain similarly to how it relieved physical pain.

Emotional Pain is Natural

Emotional pain is as natural as physical pain. How can we not feel grief at the loss of a loved one or remorse at the loss of dreams? How can we not be resentful when we are ill-treated? Who isn't sad when circumstances cause us to be alone or financial loss causes us to fear for the future?

The danger is not in feeling the natural emotional pain. The danger is reliving the emotional pain through rumination with the impact of the emotional pain growing until it becomes debilitating.

Most physical pain is temporary – it happens and it heals. Some people of the ability to absorb an emotional blow, hurt temporarily, and then let the wound heal just as if it were physical.

Many, if not most, of us don't handle emotional pain so readily. My own story is that I carried around anger for years against someone who had hurt my family. I replayed that pain every time a thought popped up that reminded me of the hurt.

Can you identify with that? Do you know someone living with recurring emotional pain?

We've already seen in earlier posts that negative emotions can lead to depression, stress, and physical illness. They can lead to broken relationships, shame, and guilt; even to self-mutilation and suicide.

Common wisdom says that pain must be pursued to its source and dealt with much like a wound has to be lanced to clear out the infection.

The irony is that such treatment causes us to explore and relive the event and thus reinforces the pain rather than relieving it.

A better way might be to learn how to properly handle the negative thinking that launches us into episodes of reliving the pain. I handled my negative thinking and was so impressed by how well it worked that I wrote the online course, Finding Personal Peace. I want to share this concept with anybody in the grasp of emotional pain.

Click here to learn more.

God bless,

Are You Stressed?

Stress is a normal physical response to events that make you feel threatened or upset your balance in some way. When you sense danger – whether its real or imagined – the body's defenses kick into high gear, causing stress.

Survival Stress - You may have heard the phrase "fight or flight" before. This is a common response to danger in all people and animals. When you are afraid that someone or something may physically hurt you, your body naturally responds with a burst of energy so that you will be better able to survive the dangerous situation (fight) or escape it all together (flight).

Internal Stress - Have you ever caught yourself worrying about things you can do nothing about or worrying for no reason at all? This is internal stress and it is one of the most important kinds of stress to understand and manage. Internal stress is when people make themselves stressed. This often happens when we worry about things we can't control or put ourselves in situations we know will cause us stress. Some people become addicted to the kind of hurried, tense, lifestyle that results from being under stress. They even look for stressful situations and feel stress about things that aren't stressful.

Environmental Stress - This is a response to things around you that cause stress, such as noise, crowding, and pressure from work or family. Identifying these environmental stresses and learning to avoid them or deal with them will help lower your stress level.

Fatigue and Overwork - This kind of stress builds up over a long time and can take a hard toll on your body. It can be caused by working too much or too hard at your job(s), school, or home. It can also be caused by not knowing how to manage your time well or how to take time out for rest and relaxation. This can be one of the hardest kinds of stress to avoid because many people feel this is out of their control.

The effects of chronic stress

The body doesn’t distinguish between physical and psychological threats. Whether you're stressed over a busy schedule, an argument with a friend, a traffic jam, or a mountain of bills, your body reacts just as strongly as if you were facing a life-or-death situation. If you have a lot of responsibilities and worries, your emergency stress response may be “on” most of the time. The more your body's stress system is activated, the easier it is to trip and the harder it is to shut off.

Long-term exposure to stress can lead to serious health problems. Chronic stress disrupts nearly every system in your body.

• It can raise blood pressure


• It can suppress the immune system


• It can increase the risk of heart attack and stroke


• It can contribute to infertility


• It can speed up the aging process.


• It can leave you more vulnerable to anxiety and depression.

Since internal stress is a normal reaction to your worrying or stewing over mostly negative issues, does it make sense that having a good way to control how you think about negative issues would be beneficial to you?

That's what we offer you through Finding Personal Peace. Controlling the negative thinking that results in stress could make you a much happier person.

Think about it.



P.S. When you’re done thinking, click here for more information.

Are You Agoraphobic?

A person with agoraphobia fears being in places where there is a chance of having a panic attack that people may witness, and getting away rapidly may be difficult. Because of these fears the sufferer will deliberately avoid such places - which may include crowded areas, special events, queues (standing in line), buses and trains, shops and shopping centers, and airplanes.

The physical symptoms of agoraphobia, which usually occur when people find themselves in a situation or environment that causes them anxiety may include accelerated heart beat, rapid and shallow breathing (hyperventilating), feeling hot, flushing, stomach upset, diarrhea, trouble swallowing, breaking out in a sweat, nausea, trembling, dizziness, feeling light-headed, as if one were about to faint, and ringing in the ears.

Physical symptoms are rare because most people with agoraphobia avoid situations that they believe will trigger panic,

There may also be a fear that people will notice a panic attack, causing humiliation and embarrassment; fear that during a panic attack their heart might stop, or they won't be able to breathe, and may die; and fear that the sufferer himself/herself is going crazy.

There may be other general symptoms such as low self-confidence and self-esteem; a feeling a loss of control; depression; a feeling of dread and anxiety; thinking that without the help of others the sufferer himself/herself would never be able to function or survive; and a dread of being left alone.

Symptoms may range from mild shyness to never leaving home for fear of a panic attack.

Typical treatments include a range of medications and psychotherapy.

Wouldn't it be nice if the agoraphobic had a simple way of recognizing when the negative thoughts pop up and dealing with the negative thought immediately before all the other symptoms manifest themselves?

That's what Finding Personal Peace offers you – a way to deal with issues at the initial thought level before the onset of physical and psychological symptoms.

Are you agoraphobic or do you know someone who is? Pass the post along and then click here for more information.

God bless,

Are You Addicted? Are You Sure?

I asked the second question in the title because I had always thought of addictions in the very narrow scope of drugs, alcohol, or the like which could radically impair or kill me. My reading tells me that I am addicted because I have other actions that I do almost compulsively to avoid pain or to restore happiness.

Most contemporary resources like psychologytoday.com define addiction thusly: “Addiction is a condition that results when a person ingests a substance (alcohol, cocaine, nicotine) or engages in an activity (gambling) that can be pleasurable but the continued use of which becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary life responsibilities. That definition takes the responsibility for addiction away from the individual and puts it on the drug or the pleasurable activity that ensnares us so readily. True, we must first make the decision to try the substance or activity. But its the drug or activity that addicts us.

Why do we seek these pleasurable things?

Ex-addict, William, in his blog, says, “At the root of all addiction is pain.” He goes on, “It is humans who get addicted out of fear of the darkness within, and not drugs that are addictive.”

Dr. Richard Carlson says in “You Can Be Happy, No Matter What” that “a habit is a thought that you have accepted as truth.”

He goes on to say that “Happiness is a positive feeling that exists inside you.” When we lose touch with that positive feeling, we knowingly or unknowingly attempt to get it back. “When you don’t understand the dynamics of your own mind, you innocently attempt to get your positive feeling back through outside sources – which can be the beginning of bad habits.” Carlson uses the words “addictions” and “habits” interchangeably.

When we accept our thoughts as truth and our thoughts are negative, then the truth can become something very frightening or dark as William described it in his blog.

Carlson says, “Some popular substitutes for a contented state of mind are alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, exercise, gambling, sex, and work. A few of the more subtle forms include arguing, proving yourself, and seeking approval.”

So by this very-common-sense definition of addiction, it becomes apparent that many of us have allowed ourselves to become addicts to something in an attempt to restore happiness. In my case, I am addicted to fast food and work.

For your convenience, I've published a partial list of addictions whereby you can decide for yourself if some of your “habits” might in fact be addictions. Click here for the list. Oh, after reviewing the list, I'll have to add chocolate as one of my addictions.

It appears that when we lose our feelings of happiness, which typically happens when we allow ourselves to ruminate more and more on negative things, we begin to search for things to restore that lost happiness or to block the fear or loss. The things that make us feel happy, even for a short period of time, are the things we tend to do again and again until the quest for happiness becomes a habit or addiction.

Some of these habits are simply annoying. Others are disruptive of a productive lifestyle. Others are destructive to ourselves or others; and others have the capacity to become criminal.

Think about this. Instead of masking the unhappiness with a substitute substance or activity, wouldn’t it be better if we could stop the negative thinking that is stealing our unhappiness? Or wouldn't it be nice to deal with the thoughts of the pleasure that precede the addictive act before it's repeated?

That's exactly what we show you how to do in “Finding Personal Peace.” We show you how to restore “peace” or “happiness” by appropriately handing the negative thinking that destroys your happiness.

Did you find yourself on the list? Are there habits/addictions from which you would like to be free? That's entirely possible for you. Take a look at Finding Personal Peace.

God bless,

Are You Angry?

Everybody has to deal with anger from time to time. But what's the best way to handle it? To answer that question, we must first understand what anger really is. Anger is an emotion often characterized by feelings of great displeasure, indignation, hostility, wrath and vengeance. Many times, reacting in anger is how we express our dissatisfaction with life. It’s defined in the Greek language as the strongest of all passions. Anger begins with a feeling that’s often expressed in words or actions. We feel something and it causes a reaction.

Ruminating, or dwelling, on your anger isn't actually helpful. Studies show that, among other things, those who have a tendency to ruminate over situations that have made them angry in their past tend to experience higher blood pressure as a result, putting them at greater risk for organ damage and associated health problems. Trying to solve a problem is a good idea, but stewing in your anger is not.

We're always encouraged to talk through our anger. Discussing your anger is a tricky thing. Talking about your anger with a trusted friend can be an effective strategy for dealing with anger -- to a point. It can help you better understand your feelings, brainstorm problem-solving strategies, and strengthen your relationship.

But there's also evidence that repeatedly discussing your anger with your friends can actually make you both feel worse, and increase stress hormones in your blood for both of you. Most of us have been involved in conversations that are basically complaint sessions or downward spirals of negative emotion. We can show you a more effective way.

Anger can make you sick

Like poorly managed stress, anger that isn’t handled in a healthy way can be not only uncomfortable, but even damaging to one's health and personal life.

One study looked at anger problems in husbands and wives. There is evidence that anger problems and depressive symptoms have been linked to all major causes of death, but found that wives specifically found a greater association between anger and symptoms of depression, while men tended to instead experience an association between anger and health problems.

According to another study, those who had less control over their anger tended to heal more slowly from wounds.

Yet another study showed that men with higher rates of hostility not only had poorer pulmonary functioning (breathing problems), but experienced higher rates of decline as they aged.

We don't have room here to mention the social implications of anger: broken relationships, transferring anger to spouse, children and friends; spontaneous acts that can lead to hurting someone and maybe criminal behavior, and much more.

Because poorly managed anger presents such a significant problem in so many areas of life, it's important to take steps toward learning an effective way of dealing with anger.

Every angry episode begins with a single negative thought. ‘Finding Personal Peace’ shows you how to effectively deal with angry thoughts before they escalate to a more painful level.

You really can find personal peace starting today.

God bless,



P.S. Click here to begin your quest to defeat anger in your life.
P.P.S. BTW, you know you can share these posts, don’t you? Even through Facebook and Twitter. Please feel free to share.