Relationships are a Team Sport

Relationships - Team Building Together

The old adage says there’s no “I” in team. Relationships need to be that way. 

Defining ego – “The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves.”

An issue that affects many relationships is that ego gets in the way. We often put our personal needs ahead of others. We think of ourselves first. Decisions are made on what’s best for us.

In 1973, Robert Ringer wrote a book entitled, “Winning Through Intimidation.” The title alone bothers me.
If someone wins then by implication someone loses. If we win by intimidation, it implies that our ideas are not accepted on their merits but rather on who shouts the loudest or applies the most powerful leverage.

Ringer says that his intent was to help individuals learn how to avoid being intimidated. He even changed the name in a subsequent printing to “To Be or Not to Be Intimidated?: That is the Question. “
Nevertheless, the original title has stuck and it seems to reinforce the natural inclination that the biggest, the strongest, the mostest wins; and the smaller, the weaker, the leaster loses. That premise, burned into the psyche of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries, has caused immeasurable damage to relationships in our generation.

The equation for a good relationship that has each person giving 100% of themselves to the relationship, has no room for intimidation. It allows no room for ego. It grants no license for one party in the relationship to lord it over the other party.
Why the emphasis on ego or self?
Beyond it being a natural inclination of most of us, there are several reasons for self to want to prevail.

1. On the school yard, the smaller or less coordinated are bullied and ridiculed.
2. On the team, the younger, weaker, and lesser skilled ride the bench.
3. The under-achieving child is often belittled by an unthinking parents or relatives.
4. The dreamer is said to lack focus and to be weak.
5. A domineering parent sets the pattern for future domination.
6. Living in a family of takers sets the mental switch creating another taker soon.
7. Not quite fitting in creates a determination to write the rules themselves someday.

These seven possibilities and a host of others have created a couple of generations now where winning, where prevailing, is the goal, the prize. This mindset does not bode well for any relationship.

Breaking the pattern

With a lifetime of experiences and often emotional pain that says “win or else,” it can be difficult to change the way we think. Why should we change anyway? “I've spent a lifetime getting to a point where I can make them respect me, and I like it.”

The reason we have to change is that we simply can’t be happy living without relationships. But good relationships need to support the mutual needs both parties instead of promoting the BIG one over the LITTLE other.

Our experiences, especially the painful ones, remind us every time we dwell on them; that we have to stand up for ourselves because nobody else will. A good relationship has the strength of the partner standing up for us while we stand up for them.

Patterns of the past have taught us to do what’s right for us and let the others catch up. A good relationship has each party doing what’s right for the other. There’s great comfort in knowing that someone has your back.

Base life on reality not on negative thinking 

If we dwell on the need to take care of ourselves today because no one else did when we were vulnerable, our relationships will fail. Yet, the reality is nobody is treating us like today. It may have been many years, but the memories are a fresh as yesterday, because we probably thought about them yesterday.

If we're governed by the idea that I had nothing to contribute then and I have nothing to contribute now, even though I'm in a relationship, it will be hard for that relationship to prosper.

Better to learn how to manage all that negative thinking from the past so it can’t damage the reality of present and future relationships. That’s what Finding Personal Peace offers – a way to manage all that trash thinking that makes us angry, depressed, selfish, sad, and worse.

Focus on the team of relationships by getting the self-centered thinking out of the way and you’ll begin to see reality, peace, and hope in all your relationships.

Focus on the reality of strong relationships today being far better that re-thinking the losses of yesteryear.

Go for it!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships Can be Simple

We tend to complicate relationships. Consider how simple they can be.

Relationships are Simple

Are you disagreeing with me already? We are created to have simple relationships. It is said that we should be like the sparrows and the flowers of the field who take no thought about themselves. They just enjoy being sparrows and flowers with other sparrows and flowers.

Well, that may be a little strange, but that triggered the thinking herein.

The Golden Rule

Remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

If we apply that rule to our relationships, then relationships become very simple.

We treat our spouse, friend, partner, child, as we would like them to treat us. Can’t get simpler than that, can it?

But, in practicality, what does that mean?

It establishes the direction of our role in the relationship. Realistically, we can’t control how our partner reacts to us. We can’t make them be a good partner. The only thing we can control is our actions toward them: hence, “Do unto others.”

And the measuring gauge for the “doing” is how we would like to be “done unto.”

Trust

Would you like to be trusted by your partner? Then trust them. Trust them in the here and now. Don’t keep a list of past faults and foibles. Believe them. Rely on them. Tell them you trust them.

Respect

Don’t you want your partner in the relationship to respect you? Then respect them. Respect their person. Don’t interact with them publicly in the same way you do privately. Respect their space. Don’t encroach. Respect their time. Don’t make excessive demands of time. Respect their privacy. Don’t share their personal details or the details of your relationship with anybody!

Dignity

Don't you like to be treated with dignity? Then give dignity to your partner. Don’t make fun of them. Don’t belittle their accomplishments. Don’t gossip about them. Speak to them with dignity.

Honor

Don't you like to be treated with honor? Then give honor to your partner. Lift them up before others. Put them on a little pedestal. (Don’t get carried away with the pedestal.) Speak of their accomplishments. Be proud of them. Validate them privately and validate them before others.

Be Thankful

The Golden Rule is not ironclad; but it’s pretty reliable. Don’t expect them to reciprocate right away and every time. Expect nothing and be thankful for everything you receive from your partner.

It’s too simple

Quietly and privately consider how you responded to each of these points. It’s very common to dismiss this as too simple. Don’t let your negative thinking waylay a good relationship. Finding Personal Peace is designed to help with your negative thinking.

So, go do!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships – “ I've Got Your Back”

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="190"] Relationships - Covering One's Back[/caption]

I read two interesting books recently by former Navy SEAL Marcus Luttrell. The titles were “The Lone Survivor” and “Service.” Luttrell writes eloquently about the most powerful attribute of a SEAL, that of being a part of a team. During training, SEALS have a designated partner. They will never be more than an arm’s length from their partner. Throughout their SEAL career, they are confident that someone has their back – someone who will die for them if necessary.

I was reminded of “Band of Brothers” by Stephan Ambrose. Some members of Easy Company, 506th Regiment, 101st Airborne after D-Day went AWOL back to the Company from hospitals in England before their injuries were healed. Why? Army policy said that injured soldiers were to be attached to replacement companies upon their detachment from the hospital. The brothers would rather go back into war with unhealed injuries than go back into war in a brand-new company because they couldn’t trust the new recruits to “have their backs” like Easy Company would.

Four Important Words - "I've Got Your Back"

They are perhaps the most important words you can say in any relationship. They give your partner great freedom and protection.

What those four words could mean to your spouse

Those words imply great love, great trust, and great commitment. Your spouse will be free to grow and explore their life both inside and outside the relationship. You’re saying that you will be their best interests above your self-interests. You’re saying that nothing in their past can rise up and hurt them because you've got their back. You’re saying that you will continue to love them if they make mistakes. You’re saying that you’ll forgive and move forward with them.

What those four words could mean to your children

You give them the freedom to react to the roadblocks of life knowing that mom or dad will stand up with them. I made serious mistakes years ago because I tried to prepare the way for my sons rather that giving them the privilege of learning how to solve their own problems.

True story (names are changed): Brian (5^th grade) came home several days from school in a bad mood. Finally his dad got it out of him that Robert (long time friend) was really hassling him at school. Dad suggested telling the teacher or going to the principle. Brian rejected both because of the teachers knew about it and weren't doing anything about it. Finally, dad told Brian to clearly tell Robert to stop; and if he didn't  Brian had permission make him stop.

Brian objected again because he would be suspended from school for fighting. Dad told Brian that if it took fighting to make Robert stop, he would back Brian in whatever happened. End of discussion.

Several days later, dad noticed that Brian was his old happy self. He asked him about Robert. Brian simply smiled and said, “I took care of it.” Dad still doesn't know, 25 years later, what happened to resolve the problem.

The point – Dad, in effect, told Brian, “ I've got your back.” In doing so, he gave Brian the freedom to solve a problem himself.

We can’t protect our kids from the world without running the risk that they won’t learn how to live in it. We just have to “have their backs.”

What if you can’t say those four words

All kinds of negative things can make it impossible to commit to “having someone’s back.” Think about the strength and fulfillment you can bring to any relationship if you take those negative emotions under control. You have peace and strong relationships to gain and nothing to lose.

We can show you ways to do that. Think about it!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!