Relationships are a Team Sport

Relationships - Team Building Together

The old adage says there’s no “I” in team. Relationships need to be that way. 

Defining ego – “The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves.”

An issue that affects many relationships is that ego gets in the way. We often put our personal needs ahead of others. We think of ourselves first. Decisions are made on what’s best for us.

In 1973, Robert Ringer wrote a book entitled, “Winning Through Intimidation.” The title alone bothers me.
If someone wins then by implication someone loses. If we win by intimidation, it implies that our ideas are not accepted on their merits but rather on who shouts the loudest or applies the most powerful leverage.

Ringer says that his intent was to help individuals learn how to avoid being intimidated. He even changed the name in a subsequent printing to “To Be or Not to Be Intimidated?: That is the Question. “
Nevertheless, the original title has stuck and it seems to reinforce the natural inclination that the biggest, the strongest, the mostest wins; and the smaller, the weaker, the leaster loses. That premise, burned into the psyche of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries, has caused immeasurable damage to relationships in our generation.

The equation for a good relationship that has each person giving 100% of themselves to the relationship, has no room for intimidation. It allows no room for ego. It grants no license for one party in the relationship to lord it over the other party.
Why the emphasis on ego or self?
Beyond it being a natural inclination of most of us, there are several reasons for self to want to prevail.

1. On the school yard, the smaller or less coordinated are bullied and ridiculed.
2. On the team, the younger, weaker, and lesser skilled ride the bench.
3. The under-achieving child is often belittled by an unthinking parents or relatives.
4. The dreamer is said to lack focus and to be weak.
5. A domineering parent sets the pattern for future domination.
6. Living in a family of takers sets the mental switch creating another taker soon.
7. Not quite fitting in creates a determination to write the rules themselves someday.

These seven possibilities and a host of others have created a couple of generations now where winning, where prevailing, is the goal, the prize. This mindset does not bode well for any relationship.

Breaking the pattern

With a lifetime of experiences and often emotional pain that says “win or else,” it can be difficult to change the way we think. Why should we change anyway? “I've spent a lifetime getting to a point where I can make them respect me, and I like it.”

The reason we have to change is that we simply can’t be happy living without relationships. But good relationships need to support the mutual needs both parties instead of promoting the BIG one over the LITTLE other.

Our experiences, especially the painful ones, remind us every time we dwell on them; that we have to stand up for ourselves because nobody else will. A good relationship has the strength of the partner standing up for us while we stand up for them.

Patterns of the past have taught us to do what’s right for us and let the others catch up. A good relationship has each party doing what’s right for the other. There’s great comfort in knowing that someone has your back.

Base life on reality not on negative thinking 

If we dwell on the need to take care of ourselves today because no one else did when we were vulnerable, our relationships will fail. Yet, the reality is nobody is treating us like today. It may have been many years, but the memories are a fresh as yesterday, because we probably thought about them yesterday.

If we're governed by the idea that I had nothing to contribute then and I have nothing to contribute now, even though I'm in a relationship, it will be hard for that relationship to prosper.

Better to learn how to manage all that negative thinking from the past so it can’t damage the reality of present and future relationships. That’s what Finding Personal Peace offers – a way to manage all that trash thinking that makes us angry, depressed, selfish, sad, and worse.

Focus on the team of relationships by getting the self-centered thinking out of the way and you’ll begin to see reality, peace, and hope in all your relationships.

Focus on the reality of strong relationships today being far better that re-thinking the losses of yesteryear.

Go for it!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - You Have Great Power

The Power in Relationships

You have the power to make or break people. How do you wield it? 

How beautiful is the bond and trust that exists in a strong relationship, whether it be spouse to spouse, parent to child, or friend to friend. That bond and trust also makes you vulnerable to being hurt yourself.

Marriage 

Maybe you've experienced the pain and anguish when a spouse is unfaithful to the vows taken.

Maybe you know the loneliness that comes when your spouse is with someone else rather than you.

Maybe you know the physical and emotional pain of an abusive spouse.

Maybe you’re the spouse who is unfaithful, absent, or abusive.

Maybe you know the guilt that comes from blaming your spouse when the problem is really yours.

The power you have is your choice to be one or the other of the spouses described above.

Do you routinely put your wants and needs ahead of your spouse? Exercise your power to build up and sustain your spouse. Exercise your power to forgive and forget if necessary. Exercise your power to keep your vows, forsaking all other commitments, as long as you both shall live. To do anything less is an abuse of your power.

Parent and Child

You have the power to make or break your child’s spirit by your response to them.

Maybe you've felt the lash of an abusive parent.

Maybe you've known to pain of rejection or neglect.

Maybe you've felt the burden of performing beyond your capacities to please your parent.

Maybe you've felt the loneliness created by an unapproachable parent.

Maybe you've cried because your parent doesn't trust you; and wondered why they don’t.

Maybe you've tried to be good enough to win your parent’s approval and never quite succeeded.

You have the power to neglect or build up your child. Do you react to your child in the same way your parents reacted to you? You have the power of choosing to be responsible for seeing the fragile souls you created becoming competent, independent, adults; or you may choose to add another generation to the legacy of pain and neglect that has been your life.

Friend and Friend 

Maybe you know the feeling of having a friend prove untrustworthy.

Maybe you've felt the pain, like the death of a thousand paper cuts, when a friend makes fun of you; or belittles your relationship; or misrepresents you to others.

Maybe you know how it feels to be squeezed out of a relationship and not understanding why.

You have the power of choosing whether you will do the same things to another friend – maybe just to get even – or of choosing to be supportive of your friends.

The Culprit

In all the examples above, the typical reason for the misuse of your power is “doing unto others like it has been done to you,“ a classic misuse of the Golden Rule.

Or it may be your misconstruing the rule to be “do unto others before they do it unto you.”

In either case, the baggage you bring to your current relationships from the past probably causes you to misuse the Golden Rule; and that baggage can be totally destructive to someone you love and respect or someone who depends on you.

There’s another way 

You don’t have to carry that baggage around any longer. The baggage most likely manifests itself in negative thinking about the pain you felt from prior relationships. You get so caught up in reliving the pain of your past that it becomes the reality of your present.

You can dump that negative thinking. You can start dumping it today. Let Finding Personal Peace show you how to do that. Use the power you have to build and confirm people, not hurt them.

Make people, don’t break them.

God bless,

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - Fight or Forgive?

Our response to slights is the key to strong relationships.

Fundamental Truth in All Relationships

How often do all of us feel the heat of an offense in a relationship? It may be from a spouse, a friend, a child, a co-worker, a business relationship, or even the driver in the next lane or tailgating too close.

It may have been accidental or intentional; a minor irritant or a major infraction. It may have been a misspoken word; a bad joke; gossip; disrespect; or a broken trust. The easiest reaction is to take offense; easy because it is a natural reaction.

Our sympathetic nervous system gives us fight or flight as a protective response. The adrenalin flows and the battle is joined. When that happens, the relationship suffers.

That’s not what we intended. We just wanted to get even; we wanted to right a wrong; we wanted to defend our honor. A combative response can turn an innocent offence into full-blown war.

Pride rushes in and reminds us that we don’t have to take it. And before we know what’s going on, we’re tumbling pell-mell down the slippery slope to a broken relationship.

A Better Response 

Moses told Israel in Exodus 23 that “if they see their enemy’s donkey in a ditch, they were to help it out and return it to the enemy.” Then for emphasis, he said it again. There may have been a very practical reason for this teaching. Israel was out in the wilderness surrounded on all sides by people and circumstances that wanted to destroy them. It could have been disastrous for them to start fighting among themselves for all the reasons that two million people can find for fighting. The responsibility to the community was to put aside differences and pull together for the common good.

We have that same responsibility if we value a relationship. It’s not easy to forgive because our pride tells us that forgiving is giving up and giving in. We think that forgiving someone means admitting they were right in whatever they did to us. Forgiving is seen as weakness. So we don’t often forgive.

Beyond Forgiving to Forgetting 

To forgive and forget means to both pardon the wrong and to carry no resentment concerning it into the future. The phrase dates from the 1300s and was a proverb by the mid-1500s. You could also say let bygones be bygones.

Forgiving is not admitting that the offender was right. It is simply pardoning an offense. Forgetting is deciding that you’re not going to stew over the offense any more. I’m not saying that is easy; I’m just saying that it’s necessary from time to time if you want to maintain a relationship.

If an offense is ongoing, such as abuse, it is necessary to take steps to remove oneself from harm by seeking competent help; but if the offense it history, so much more is to be gained by deciding that you will not perpetuate the offense by continuing to respond to the memories of it.

Have you ever noticed in football, the flag is more often thrown on the player who responds or retaliates. The original offense is sometimes not seen, but the retaliation is always seen. We’ll always be lessened if we respond in kind to an offense.

Better to walk away. 

If the relationship has value, it’s better to walk away by pardoning the offender and forgetting about the offense. And what relationship doesn't have value. Few of us have so many friends that we can afford to lose any of them because we refuse to forgive and forget.

Having trouble doing that? Do memories of past offenses keep replaying over and over again? Finding Personal Peace speaks directly to being free from the burden of such memories. Give it a try!

God bless,
 
www.findingpersonapeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships are Covenants

A relationship is a covenant – at least it is if you want it to last.

“No way,” someone said. “That’s getting too serious.” I suggest that if you take that attitude, then maybe your track record with relationships is a bit spotty.

A covenant in the simplest form is an agreement. Isn't that what people do? They agree to become friends; to work together; to have a relationship. Sometimes they never actually say the words, but by mutual consent, they enter into a relationship – a covenant or agreement with each other..

When they do that, they usually have some expectations of each other. As long as those expectations are reasonably met, the relationship continues.

That’s in its simplest form.

There are also formal covenants.

Marriage would be the most common example of a formal covenant. When two people stand before a judge, priest, or minister and before witnesses making vows to seal their relationship, they enter into a formal covenant together. By taking the vows, they incur legal liabilities and life-long responsibilities to both each other and their progeny.

To what extent is each responsible to the success of the covenant? It’s popular today to talk about a 50-50 relationship meaning that each person has an equal responsibility to the success of the relationship. The parties have divided the responsibilities of the relationship much like they might divide the household chores. This can lead to keeping a figurative balance sheet so each can ensure that the other is doing their part.

I submit that 50-50 that weakens many relationships.

Consider this proposition: A strong relationship is 100% - 100% with each person agreeing to be responsible for making all the effort to fulfill the relationship. If both parties are doing all they can to keep the relationship strong, how can it fail? This approach provides for the relationship to remain strong when one party or the other for some reason cannot keep up their part. Then the pendulum of life may swing and the other party assumes more of the responsibility for a time.

And you never get to the point of one party saying, “That’s more than I agreed to do,” because each agreed to do 100% if necessary.

What about the kids?

Your children lock you into an incredibly strong, one-sided covenant. When you create a child, you are agreeing to do everything possible (100%) to help that child become an independent, responsible adult. When parents do that, the likelihood of the child growing to truly functioning maturity is greatly enhanced.

You hurt the innocent if you shirk your covenant to your kids.

Does this chap you?

Did it rub you the wrong way to read what I've written? Why does that bother you?

If you’re carrying emotional baggage that prevents your fully participating in a covenant relationship, you can dump that baggage just like yesterday’s garbage.

If your past prevents you from providing for your future, you can shed the past like water off a duck’s back.

If your tomorrow lies in the shadow of your past, you can be rid of those shadows today.

Finding Personal Peace has the tools for living in strong covenantal relationships.

Check it out.



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - Reach Out and Touch Someone

An essential component of most good relationships is touching.

Touching is Essential

Relationships seem to follow a fairly consistent developmental course from the initial contact to the height of the relationship.

Personal space

Touching may be restricted by the social norms. In North America, we have developed comfort zones around us. Intimate space is limited to about 18 inches. From there to about 4 feet is personal space. There is a social-communicative space of 4 to 12 feet and a public space from 12 feet to the horizon. We can feel uncomfortable if a stranger enters our personal space or a mere acquaintance enters our intimate space. Of course, this varies according to culture.

A friend lived in China for awhile. She told me of taking a bus and being so crowded that at one point she was so pressed about by people that her feet wouldn’t touch the floor. This went on for some distance.  In that culture both adults and teenagers of all ages think nothing of pushing up against you when asking questions or standing beside you. This would be unheard of in most Western cultures.

Touching

Non-verbal communication, especially the body language associated with touching and cuddling can provide a lot of information regarding the seriousness of a relationship. There seems to be a need for touch that many people are lacking. Touching each other on a regular basis, even if it is only a passing touch, seem to lead to a deeper, more lasting relationship, while those are reluctant seem to be less interested in the future development of the relationship and less interested in developing a deeper intimacy with their partner.

It’s possible that you can one predict how committed your partner is by the amount of touching and intimate cuddling that goes on. Does a decrease in touching signify that there is a problem with the relationship?

I grew up in a family of non-huggers. I honestly cannot remember even one hug between myself and any of my brothers and sisters. My son has married into a family of huggers. To watch the joy and interaction in that family compared to my experience leaves me disappointed. The plus is that his extended family has extended their loving hugs to include us. We like that very much.

In most cultures today, people who do not know each other do not seek to touch each other. In fact, even eye contact with strangers can be uncomfortable for some. This is obvious when you are traveling on public transport or looking at someone across a crowded room that you do not know. As much as you may want to look at someone to “check them out”, it is an uncomfortable feeling if you get caught!

However, as soon as an introduction occurs and two strangers formally meet for the first time, the initial action that usually occurs is a handshake. This may occur with a third party or when you introduce yourself to another person for the first time. Without any conscious thought, this is an initial step in meeting another human of the same sex or different sex.

If mutual interest is there, the couple then moves on to the second stage where they begin to show their interest in interacting and their hidden aspects of likes and dislikes. This leads to the next stage where they continue to expose more of their hidden self.

As a couple moves through the various stages of the relationship, the amount of touching increases. Eventually, a type of private culture begins between the two partners. Each learns more about the other’s thoughts, feelings, and inner personality traits that have not been observed up to this point. Touching reaches a peak, as the couple cannot get enough of each other.

Next we have a period during which couples slow down to take a more realistic look at their relationship, its problems, and whether to stay together for the long haul. If a decision is made to stay together, then the couple moves on to the final stage, commitment.

During the stage of commitment and the ongoing process of staying committed, the amount of touching will say a lot about the closeness of the couple. Apparently, if the amount of touching occurs in the euphoria stage continues into the commitment stage, it is a good sign of a healthy relationship.

A mother lamented that she could not love her seven-year old daughter who was the product of a very abusive relationship that ended before the child was born. She simply did not feel any affection toward the girl because of bad memories of the girl’s father. The story is complicated by the birth of a second daughter from a loving relationship who means everything to the mother.

The advice given is to make a conscious, consistent effort for as long as it takes to touch, hug, hold and cuddle the older daughter. Human nature being what it is, the child will almost invariably respond to the touching.

So what about you?

Do you find yourself drawing back from touching? Do you know why? Are there thoughts that crowd your mind that make touching uncomfortable for you?

The objective of Finding Personal Peace is to help you deal with repetitive thoughts that hurt you. If you can’t touch someone you love, there might be a way to overcome that. The rewards to the relationship are worth the effort.

Go for it!

Remember that the couple that cuddles together usually stays together!

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships Can be Simple

We tend to complicate relationships. Consider how simple they can be.

Relationships are Simple

Are you disagreeing with me already? We are created to have simple relationships. It is said that we should be like the sparrows and the flowers of the field who take no thought about themselves. They just enjoy being sparrows and flowers with other sparrows and flowers.

Well, that may be a little strange, but that triggered the thinking herein.

The Golden Rule

Remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

If we apply that rule to our relationships, then relationships become very simple.

We treat our spouse, friend, partner, child, as we would like them to treat us. Can’t get simpler than that, can it?

But, in practicality, what does that mean?

It establishes the direction of our role in the relationship. Realistically, we can’t control how our partner reacts to us. We can’t make them be a good partner. The only thing we can control is our actions toward them: hence, “Do unto others.”

And the measuring gauge for the “doing” is how we would like to be “done unto.”

Trust

Would you like to be trusted by your partner? Then trust them. Trust them in the here and now. Don’t keep a list of past faults and foibles. Believe them. Rely on them. Tell them you trust them.

Respect

Don’t you want your partner in the relationship to respect you? Then respect them. Respect their person. Don’t interact with them publicly in the same way you do privately. Respect their space. Don’t encroach. Respect their time. Don’t make excessive demands of time. Respect their privacy. Don’t share their personal details or the details of your relationship with anybody!

Dignity

Don't you like to be treated with dignity? Then give dignity to your partner. Don’t make fun of them. Don’t belittle their accomplishments. Don’t gossip about them. Speak to them with dignity.

Honor

Don't you like to be treated with honor? Then give honor to your partner. Lift them up before others. Put them on a little pedestal. (Don’t get carried away with the pedestal.) Speak of their accomplishments. Be proud of them. Validate them privately and validate them before others.

Be Thankful

The Golden Rule is not ironclad; but it’s pretty reliable. Don’t expect them to reciprocate right away and every time. Expect nothing and be thankful for everything you receive from your partner.

It’s too simple

Quietly and privately consider how you responded to each of these points. It’s very common to dismiss this as too simple. Don’t let your negative thinking waylay a good relationship. Finding Personal Peace is designed to help with your negative thinking.

So, go do!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - Who's Pulling the Rope?

There’s always a rope. Are you the one pulling up or dragging down?

Which way are you pulling?

In relationships people are connected. You can imagine that each of you is holding onto a rope. The rope is seldom still because you and your partner are different people; each with different needs, aspirations, and emotions often pulling in different directions.

What you should want is that the relationship be always trending upward by one or both of you – usually alternating - keeping upward direction on the rope. When one is dragging down, the other is pulling up. Then the situation may be reversed.

Relationships are strained

Relationships are strained if one of you is dragging the other down. If this goes on long enough, one of the partners may be hurt. If the hurt continues long enough, the relationship may be damaged or broken.

You should already have figured out that there is very little to do to change your partner. What you can do is to make sure that you’re not the one dragging the relationship down. The rest of this post is looking at you and how you respond when you’re down.

Different responses

A typical response, maybe without much thought, is to pull your partner down to your level. There’s some weird concept of misery loving company. So you keep pulling on your end of the rope until your partner is sharing your emotional level.

Maybe you’re too stubborn to admit that your partner is right.

Maybe you’re too proud to admit that you need to be helped; that you don’t have the situation under control.

Maybe your snap judgment is to let go of the rope. That removes part of the pressure on you - the good part.

Sometimes you resist all the harder. Maybe you’re blaming your partner for how you feel; maybe you’re bearing a grudge toward your partner; or resentment; or envy; or revenge.

Or maybe it’s something totally unrelated to your partner; work, extended family, some threat toward you.

Whatever is roiling through your mind, give value to the fact that your partner is still holding the rope and trying to pull you back up out of the emotional mess you’re in.

Sometimes we pretend that nothing is wrong and keep living life as it is.

All these attempts to drag your partner down will eventually damage or destroy the relationship.

A matter of trust

Why don’t you just trust your partner? They’re trying to lift you up. They’re trying to give you hope and encouragement. Trust them to know what they’re doing.

Relax. Even if you don’t know what to do, let them gently and lovingly draw you up to higher ground. If you keep struggling, you’re creating pressure on both of you.

It’s just a matter of time until the situation is reversed and you’re the one gently, lovingly lifting your partner back up.

Don’t give up on the relationship; but make doubly sure that you’re not the one who is always the dead weight.

If you are, you can do something about that. You don’t have to accept the negative thinking that typically sends you into the emotional pit.

Do your partner and your relationship a great favor by learning how to deal with all your negative thinking and negative emotions. That’s what Finding Personal Peace is all about.

God bless,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - What's in the Mirror?

Use a mirror to test the health of your relationships.

See Your Relationship?

Look in an imaginary mirror and picture what you would see if your relationship partner were looking at  you. Try to decide if you are pleased with the relationship as your partner sees it.

What kind of partner are you?

Do You Give Respect and Honor

• When you look at yourself do you see someone that shows respect and honor to your partner at every possible opportunity?


• Do you show respect and honor by your words and deeds?


• Does your partner get to walk daily in the reflection of your respect and honor for them?

Respect applies to opinions and ideas. Respect doesn’t let your partner be the butt of careless humor or embarrassment by you. You may have to practice some restraint when disrespectful words start to escape your mouth either about or in the presence of your partner.

Honor lifts your partner. Let the world see in your eyes that your partner has a worthy place in your mind and heart.

Your respect and honor should be so automatic that you do it reflexively. You shouldn’t have to think about it at all.

If you can’t do that, ask yourself why not. Try to recognize the thoughts that precede your lack of respect and honor and privately deal with them.

Do You See Truthfulness and Openness

When you look in the mirror, do you see truthfulness and openness? Do you hide things from your partner? Do you find it difficult to talk to your partner about some things?

You don’t want to burden and hurt your partner by raw but irrelevant details. But if something from your past has a bearing on the present relationship, it needs to come out.

Do You See Decorum and Decency

This may sound so twentieth century. Does your partner wish they were somewhere else when inappropriate language gushes from your mouth? Do your friends know details of your relationship that ought to be secrets between you and your partner? Do your children see or hear you embarrassing them or their other parent by your words.

There’s still a place for decency in this world. There are times and places that some topics or language should not be spoken. If you and your partner disagree on that, that’s a stress that your relationship doesn’t need. If it’s you, you can do something about it. If it’s your partner, they need to know that they are acting in a way that discomforts you. (see Truthfulness and Openness)

Do You See Safety and Security

Is your partner completely comfortable that you are not going to suggest a situation that endangers either of you? Is your partner certain that you will protect the security of your relationship vigorously?

While you may have a daredevil bent, it is not fair for you to expect your partner to share that nature or participate in such activities. It is not helpful to your relationship if you suggest actions that make your partner feel uncomfortable or worry about your safety.

Don’t give me the excuse; “If they loved me they would . . .” You might want to consider what is making you see those activities as fun when your partner sees them with fear.

What do you see in the mirror? Think about it.



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

A Room for Your Relationships

Room for your Relationships

Relationships need rooms in which to grow to be healthy and fulfilling

Why the “room” metaphor?

Rooms establish boundaries. Big rooms; small rooms; unrestricted rooms; confining rooms.

Take a look at the rooms you've built for your relationships. Do they enhance or stifle the relationship? They don’t have to be the same for all your relationships; but experience says that they have similarities because we all tend to patterns. Let’s look at characteristics of a couple of the rooms.

Rooms that Restrict

When you consider your relationships, do your rooms restrict or limit your partner? Some of us want to keep our partners in narrow boundaries. Maybe it feeds from our uncertainty. Maybe we enjoy the power we would like to have over someone. Maybe we resist change.

Do you use your relationship to control or manage your partner? Do you expect your partner to fit into the mould you’ve created? Do you validate the relationship by how well your partner conforms to the terms you dictate.

Do you give your partner the freedom to make their own decisions; or do you make those decisions yourself?

If you’ve designed a room that confines your partner, your relationship is most likely doomed to fail.

Rooms that Grow

Your relationships need to have room to grow.

Children – as your children mature, the rooms need to grow to accommodate their new maturity and the ability to make their own choices, for example. You can’t healthfully keep a 15-year-old in a room designed for a 5-year old.

Spouses – All of us need the space to explore interests and activities that are fulfilling or expansive for us. It takes an attitude of trust to encourage new ventures for a partner. Stepping outside the room does not break the relationship; it just reveals another layer of beauty or interest in the partner. Let the room  - let the partner - grow.

Encourage your partners to expand their lives. Make a sincere effort to enjoy their expanding world. It might be necessary to let them move into another room where you don’t want to go. Their being there doesn’t necessarily damage your relationship as long as you are supportive.

Why the Metaphor?

Rooms can be comfort zones. If each partner knows where their partner’s boundaries are, they have freedom and flexibility to live within those walls. If there are no walls – no boundaries – how can a partner know when they step into uncomfortable space for their partner?

Rooms can be defined through open communication. Share your feelings and attitudes on a wide range of subjects – anything that comes up. You’ll soon know where the “no-step” areas are. It’s okay to have some protected corners in your room because knowing they’re there gives the partners freedom to move everywhere else.

One thinks that the “room” concept is simply providing for a safe environment for a relationship to grow and prosper.

Consider your Thoughts

If you find yourself thinking thoughts that limit your partner or limit your participation in one of their rooms, it may be time to consider and dismiss those thoughts, especially if you value the relationship.

Managing such thoughts is the focal point of Finding Personal Peace. If you find peace in your relationships, you’ll have great peace in your life

Go for it!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Narcissism – Death Knell for Relationships

Narcissim - The Peacock Syndrome

There's no room in a relationship for a peacock!

Two definitions for narcissism:

1. Excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance.


2. Extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration.

The danger of narcissism to a relationship is that the narcissist is focused only on himself. Life is a mirror in which he sees himself and all his wonderful attributes or his needs.

Narcissists disconnect from themselves as children and lack any inner sense of self. They seek validation from partners in relationships but they’re not interested in giving validation because that takes the focus away from themselves.

Love is not the objective of their relationships. To narcissists, relationships provide that someone is always present for the following:

• Someone to cater to their needs


• Someone to stroke their ego


• Someone to control and use at their convenience and disposal

To the narcissist, the partners is seen as nothing more than and extension of himself. Men will often select a trophy wife to display their sexual prowess – just a status symbol. Females are typically attracted to wealthy men who can support their obsession with image and status.

The narcissist will often have a significant other who is always there to cater, stroke, and submit as needed while the narcissist seeks constantly changing and exciting validation otherwise. They always need someone to fall back on.

It’s hard for many partners to accept the fact that they are not an object of love for the narcissist. They’re just a pawn; a source of supply to keep them stroked – nothing more, nothing less.

What if you’re the narcissist?

1. When you find yourself feeling a lack of empathy toward your partner, you can take those thoughts captive.


2. When you find yourself feeling a willingness to exploit your partner, you can control those thoughts.


3. When you find yourself putting your partner on a pedestal to make yourself look better, you can choose to stop dwelling on that.


4. You may find yourself exaggerating your accomplishments and trying to associate with other 'high level' people. Don’t give time for those thoughts in your life.


5. You may exhibit an excessive sense of entitlement, looking for preferential treatment as a right. You don’t have to spend time on those feelings.


6. When you find yourself focusing craving admiration, you can control that thinking.


7. When you find yourself jealous of the accomplishments of your partner; and even becoming angry at the successes of others, you don’t have to give in to that thinking.

The premise is that narcissistic behavior begins with a thought and you don’t have to deal with thoughts that are potentially harmful to you or your relationship.

We talk about that in Finding Personal Peace.

Here's to building strong relationships,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships – “ I've Got Your Back”

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="190"] Relationships - Covering One's Back[/caption]

I read two interesting books recently by former Navy SEAL Marcus Luttrell. The titles were “The Lone Survivor” and “Service.” Luttrell writes eloquently about the most powerful attribute of a SEAL, that of being a part of a team. During training, SEALS have a designated partner. They will never be more than an arm’s length from their partner. Throughout their SEAL career, they are confident that someone has their back – someone who will die for them if necessary.

I was reminded of “Band of Brothers” by Stephan Ambrose. Some members of Easy Company, 506th Regiment, 101st Airborne after D-Day went AWOL back to the Company from hospitals in England before their injuries were healed. Why? Army policy said that injured soldiers were to be attached to replacement companies upon their detachment from the hospital. The brothers would rather go back into war with unhealed injuries than go back into war in a brand-new company because they couldn’t trust the new recruits to “have their backs” like Easy Company would.

Four Important Words - "I've Got Your Back"

They are perhaps the most important words you can say in any relationship. They give your partner great freedom and protection.

What those four words could mean to your spouse

Those words imply great love, great trust, and great commitment. Your spouse will be free to grow and explore their life both inside and outside the relationship. You’re saying that you will be their best interests above your self-interests. You’re saying that nothing in their past can rise up and hurt them because you've got their back. You’re saying that you will continue to love them if they make mistakes. You’re saying that you’ll forgive and move forward with them.

What those four words could mean to your children

You give them the freedom to react to the roadblocks of life knowing that mom or dad will stand up with them. I made serious mistakes years ago because I tried to prepare the way for my sons rather that giving them the privilege of learning how to solve their own problems.

True story (names are changed): Brian (5^th grade) came home several days from school in a bad mood. Finally his dad got it out of him that Robert (long time friend) was really hassling him at school. Dad suggested telling the teacher or going to the principle. Brian rejected both because of the teachers knew about it and weren't doing anything about it. Finally, dad told Brian to clearly tell Robert to stop; and if he didn't  Brian had permission make him stop.

Brian objected again because he would be suspended from school for fighting. Dad told Brian that if it took fighting to make Robert stop, he would back Brian in whatever happened. End of discussion.

Several days later, dad noticed that Brian was his old happy self. He asked him about Robert. Brian simply smiled and said, “I took care of it.” Dad still doesn't know, 25 years later, what happened to resolve the problem.

The point – Dad, in effect, told Brian, “ I've got your back.” In doing so, he gave Brian the freedom to solve a problem himself.

We can’t protect our kids from the world without running the risk that they won’t learn how to live in it. We just have to “have their backs.”

What if you can’t say those four words

All kinds of negative things can make it impossible to commit to “having someone’s back.” Think about the strength and fulfillment you can bring to any relationship if you take those negative emotions under control. You have peace and strong relationships to gain and nothing to lose.

We can show you ways to do that. Think about it!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Dr. Phil on Relationships

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="250"] Relationships - What's Your Score?[/caption]

I found Dr Phil’s Relationship Health Profile Test very interesting. I’d like to share that with you (Click here). Try that now before you continue.

So now you know where you stand in your relationships, according to Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil has a beautiful post about relationships (Click here). There’s no way I could say it better than he.

Summarizing Dr. Phil

• Own your own relationship – Be accountable for your relationship. Don’t be a victim.


• Accept the risk of vulnerability – Put yourself on the line.


• Accept your partner – Don’t try to change them.


• Focus on friendship – let the friendship grow and bask in the memories of how it develops.


• Promote your partner's self-esteem – provide a more nurturing atmosphere that appeals to your partner.


• Aim your frustrations in the right direction – look at yourself first.


• Be up front and forthright – express yourself with maturity and responsibility


• Make yourself happy instead of right Decide that being happy is better than being right.


• Allow your relationship to transcend turmoil – limit disagreements.


• Put motion into your emotion – be proactive.

As you consider Dr Phil’s 10 factors of a good relationship, you’re probably going to react negatively to one or more.

Don’t let negative emotions wreck your relationships and your happiness. Decide which is more important to you: giving space for your negativity or a loving growing relationship. You probably can’t have both because relationships tend to be smothered by negativity.

Only you can assign a value to a relationship to you. Just know that the value is limited by your weakest emotional link. You can’t expect a relationship to be superior to your negative emotions.

You can enhance your personal values by bringing the negativity under your control. Don’t let your emotions destroy another relationship!

God bless



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Are you the Wedge in Your Relationships?

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="58"] Don't Be the Wedge[/caption]

Make a list of your important relationships. Don’t rank them; just list them.

On a scale of 1 to 10 (insignificant to incredibly important) rank each of those relationships. How important are they to you? Write the number down for each.

Now, on the same scale, rank how you think the other person might view each relationship from their perspective. Be honest. This is just between you and me.

If your ranking is the same as your partner’s; that’s pretty good unless both your numbers are so low you have to wonder why either of you should remain in the relationship.

If your ranking is less that your partner’s or if your ranking is higher than your partner’s, you may have a problem. Either your partner is getting the short straw or you are.

What to do?

If your ranking is significantly higher than your partner, you may be paying sufficient attention to the relationship; but not necessarily the right kind of attention. The time and energy you’re investing may be directed in a way that doesn't meet the needs of your partner.

• You’re working hard to provide nice possessions and your partner wants more of your time.


• You’re full of grand ideas for fun and fulfillment; but your partner is always worrying about getting the bills paid.


• You talk with your partner all the time; but the conversation is mostly superficial, not really getting to substantive issues. So you don’t really know your partner’s heart.


• You spend lots of time doing things around the house; but they’re the things you want to do rather than the things your partner wants done.

If your ranking is significantly lower than your partner, you may not be responding to your partner’s attempts to please you.

• You work more than you really need to work to avoid more intimate contact with your partner.


• You don’t appear to be grateful for the things your partner does for you.


• Your partner’s ideas for fun and fulfillment are met by your excuses for not doing them; or maybe just a lack of any response.


• You don’t participate in the decision-making process in the partnership leaving the responsibility to your partner.

This layman’s analysis may not fit anything in your relationships; but somebody needs to pay a little attention to the balance in your relationship. There’s nobody better to do that than you. Make your relationships a priority for you.

You’re can only change yourself – you can’t change your partner

Over the next few days, take note of your thinking. If you discover thoughts that appear to be a wedge in your relationships, you can stop thinking about those things.

If you discover that you’re routinely putting down your partner and/or their suggestions, you can change your reactions.

If you habitually make excuses, pass off decisions, shortchange on time, or fail to appreciate or respect your partner, you can break those habits.

How? Take a good look at Finding Personal Peace. It can show you how to change your thinking.

Make a priority of working toward balance in your relationships. Work toward improving the relationship for both of you. The rewards are priceless.

God bless,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Invest in Your Relationships

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="160"] Getting a Return on Your Relationships?[/caption]

Very few things in life just happen. It almost always takes an investment – of our time; of our energy; of our emotions; of our money.

Invest time in your relationships

This is especially true of relationships with your children. They don’t care that you’re working two jobs to provide for them. Your child needs a little bit of you each day – one-on-one. Your spouse needs to have some of your time just to know that the relationship is important to you. Shared time doesn't count nearly as much as individual time. Sitting in the same room watching TV is a start. Reading a book to your child is better. Working together on chores is a great way to spend time with spouse or children. Be creative. There’s nothing more important than investing time in each relationship that’s important to you.

Invest energy in your relationships

Go out of your way to surprise your spouse or children occasionally. Put a loving note in the suitcase or briefcase. Put an encouraging, happy note in the lunchboxes. Offer a shoulder or neck massage to your spouse. Who knows what that might lead to. Offer a shoulder to cry on or an ear to hear their frustration. It may take a lot of energy just to listen without offering advice.

Don’t just coast and expect the relationship to prosper. Invest energy. You may have to spend energy thinking of ways to invest more time.

Invest emotions in your relationships

Let yourself be vulnerable. Don’t mask your loving emotions in your relationships. Express love with no expectations of return. Express unconditional love.

If you’re apart, make sure they know you’re thinking about them. Hide your disappointment except in a teachable moment with children. Be willing to reach out without expecting a reach back.

Invest money in your relationships

This is last because it may be the least important. It certainly shouldn't be used to replace any of the other investments. Spend all you can reasonably spend on anniversaries and birthdays with emphasis on the word reasonable. If money is tight, wrap the package in time, energy, and emotion. A handmade card or note from your heart will mean more than Hallmark.

I know a couple of families with limited resources and large families. They celebrate Christmas more in worship and time together than in giving gifts to everyone. But birthdays are special. That’s one person’s special day and they make that a big deal.

Don’t expect a return on your investment

If you expect a return you might be disappointed sometimes. Expect nothing, but rejoice in everything. But I’m pretty comfortable predicting that if you invest diligently, you will have a wonderful return.

If you find yourself reacting negatively to these investments, examine your thinking. Be sure to apply the principles of my last posting (Click here) before you react outwardly.

You may be right. Perhaps your partner didn't react well to your investment. But be careful how you react. Would you rather be right or alone?

If your negative thinking is hurting your relationship, then take control of your thinking. That’s what Finding Personal Peace teaches you to do.

Invest, invest, invest. The return may be life-changing.

All the best,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - Back From the Brink

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="237"] Are Your Relationships at the Brink?[/caption]

Many relationships are in trouble for many reasons.

The only person you have the authority or ability to change is yourself. So I want to direct attention to your relationships from your perspective. Maybe you will see yourself in this methaphorical mirror.

First Corinthians Chapter 13

If you are religious, this passage, called the Love Chapter, has great meaning to you. If you’re not religious, you can’t ignore some of the truths herein. They just make sense, especially when applied to relationships. For simplicity, lets assume that you love the ones with whom you share relationships and we’ll use the word ‘Love’ throughout.

Verse 4 – Love is patient

Are you patient in your relationships or do you expect everyone to move at the speed you dictate.

Verse 4 – Love is kind

A relationship cannot thrive if you are not kind in word, deed, and attitude. If you’re unkind, don’t expect people to respond positively to you.

Verse 4 – Love is not jealous

Trust is basic to a relationship. If you are jealous, then you’re not trusting your partner as you should.

Verse 4 – Love is not boastful

It is hard for people to enjoy a relationship with you if you constantly boast of your attributes or possessions or anything else.

Verse 4 – Love is not proud

If your vanity (pride) overshadows everyone else, don’t expect a warm, loving response from them.

Verse 5 – Love is not rude

We often joke or tease in an unseemly way. It’s rude, but we try to laugh it off. Sometimes we’re patently rude. It’s hard to be in a relationship with a rude person. Even rudeness to a third party makes everyone uncomfortable, except maybe you.

Verse 5 – Love does not demand its own way

Relationships and selfishness do not coexist. This may also include giving your loved one the space they need.

Verse 5 – Love is not irritable

Don’t expect to be a good relationship if you’re crabby and mean-spirited.

Verse 5 – Love does not keep a record of being wronged

No one wants to be around you if you keep reminding them how they wronged you. I bet you know people who remember wrongs for years – are you guilty? Practice a little forgiveness.

Verse 6 – Love does not rejoice about injustice

When you enjoy or even gossip about the pain of others, it makes everyone uncomfortable.

Verse 6 – Love rejoices in the truth

Don't let lying or deceit be part of your relationship. The truth, given lovingly, will ultimately strengthen the relationship. NOTE: See my comment on verse 1 below before you rush out with the truth. Don't use the truth as a club.

Verse 7 - Love never gives up

Stand by your friends through thick and thin, good and bad. Don’t give up on them.

Verse 7 – Love never loses faith

Believe that the best will come to the relationship even in hard times.

Verse 7 – Love is hopeful

Expect the most positive outcome for your friends, even at times when they may be acting wrongly toward you.

Verse 7 – Love never gives up

Always be there for your relationships. Even in estrangement, keep up your end of the relationship, whatever the circumstances.

A comment on Verse 1

Someone very wise said, "Being right is not always being loving." Sometimes your friends need a kind ear to listen to them instead of criticism or unsolicited advice or even the truth. You risk becoming like a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal if you don’t take time to listen.

Negative thoughts

Notice how you react to my challenges here. Apply the challenges to your most important relationship. If you find your thoughts leading you in another direction – justifying yourself or denying relevance – then you may be causing the stress in your relationships.

You can bring that negative thinking into submission. I know – I’ve done it.

God bless,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Why Do Relationships Fail?

Relationships - Spouse - Family

I Googled reasons why relationship fail and found these to be interesting.

1.  You’re playing to win

Competition between partners is one of the deadliest killers of relations. This competition is often fostered by because one of the partners has compelling thought patterns that simply do not allow them to second-best. These thoughts, while not necessarily negative, are very often harmful to both parties.

2.  You don’t trust your partner

In some cases, the broken trust is earned thought infidelity or deceit. In many cases the trust is a result of negative thinking that tells you that you or your partners are not worthy of being trusted; or the lack trust comes from reasons 3 or 4.

3.  You don’t talk

Negative thinking tells you that your opinion is not worth expressing. Or, negative thinking convinces you that you are protecting your partner by shielding them from the truth. Or, negative thinking makes you think that you will be belittled or embarrassed by sharing the truth.

4.  You don’t listen

Listening is hard. Negative thinking tells you that your opinion is more important than that of your partner. Negative thinking says they don’t have the right to criticize you.

5.  You spend like a single person

Negative thinking tells you that you earned the money; therefore you have the right to spend it as you choose. Negative thinking also causes you to insist on spending on a lifestyle that your partner does not share. Negative thinking tells you that your partner is trying to control you by insisting on controlling your sending patterns.

6.  You’re afraid of breaking up

Negative thinking tells you that you’ll never find another relationship like this one. You may be able to generate the appearance of a happy relationship for awhile, but your negative thinking will color all parts of the relationship and eventually cause it to break up. See 7.

7.  You’re dependent

Negative thinking tells you that it’s your partner’s responsibility to make you complete; that you cannot possibly live without them. Negative thinking may lead you to blame your partner because your needs are not being met. Either way, this creates a great deal of unreasonable pressure on

8.  You expect happiness

Negative thinking tells you that something is wrong if you’re not happy. See 6 and 7..

9.  You never fight

A good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which is a perfectly normal part of a human’s emotional make-up. Negative thinking tells you that anger or even disagreement will end the relationship.

10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard

There are two deeply problematic areas of negative thinking that damage a relationship. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard — and that therefore if it’s hard, it must be worth having. To base your relationship on either extreme can cause problems.

It’s not easy to have a great relationship. But it’s not impossible, either — it takes some work, of course, but it’s good work, work that’s a joy when everything comes together.

A lot of times, though, the work isn't enough. We get in our own way with negative thinking and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it.

Get your negative thinking under control and watch your relationship improve.

All the best,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!