Relationships are a Team Sport

Relationships - Team Building Together

The old adage says there’s no “I” in team. Relationships need to be that way. 

Defining ego – “The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves.”

An issue that affects many relationships is that ego gets in the way. We often put our personal needs ahead of others. We think of ourselves first. Decisions are made on what’s best for us.

In 1973, Robert Ringer wrote a book entitled, “Winning Through Intimidation.” The title alone bothers me.
If someone wins then by implication someone loses. If we win by intimidation, it implies that our ideas are not accepted on their merits but rather on who shouts the loudest or applies the most powerful leverage.

Ringer says that his intent was to help individuals learn how to avoid being intimidated. He even changed the name in a subsequent printing to “To Be or Not to Be Intimidated?: That is the Question. “
Nevertheless, the original title has stuck and it seems to reinforce the natural inclination that the biggest, the strongest, the mostest wins; and the smaller, the weaker, the leaster loses. That premise, burned into the psyche of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries, has caused immeasurable damage to relationships in our generation.

The equation for a good relationship that has each person giving 100% of themselves to the relationship, has no room for intimidation. It allows no room for ego. It grants no license for one party in the relationship to lord it over the other party.
Why the emphasis on ego or self?
Beyond it being a natural inclination of most of us, there are several reasons for self to want to prevail.

1. On the school yard, the smaller or less coordinated are bullied and ridiculed.
2. On the team, the younger, weaker, and lesser skilled ride the bench.
3. The under-achieving child is often belittled by an unthinking parents or relatives.
4. The dreamer is said to lack focus and to be weak.
5. A domineering parent sets the pattern for future domination.
6. Living in a family of takers sets the mental switch creating another taker soon.
7. Not quite fitting in creates a determination to write the rules themselves someday.

These seven possibilities and a host of others have created a couple of generations now where winning, where prevailing, is the goal, the prize. This mindset does not bode well for any relationship.

Breaking the pattern

With a lifetime of experiences and often emotional pain that says “win or else,” it can be difficult to change the way we think. Why should we change anyway? “I've spent a lifetime getting to a point where I can make them respect me, and I like it.”

The reason we have to change is that we simply can’t be happy living without relationships. But good relationships need to support the mutual needs both parties instead of promoting the BIG one over the LITTLE other.

Our experiences, especially the painful ones, remind us every time we dwell on them; that we have to stand up for ourselves because nobody else will. A good relationship has the strength of the partner standing up for us while we stand up for them.

Patterns of the past have taught us to do what’s right for us and let the others catch up. A good relationship has each party doing what’s right for the other. There’s great comfort in knowing that someone has your back.

Base life on reality not on negative thinking 

If we dwell on the need to take care of ourselves today because no one else did when we were vulnerable, our relationships will fail. Yet, the reality is nobody is treating us like today. It may have been many years, but the memories are a fresh as yesterday, because we probably thought about them yesterday.

If we're governed by the idea that I had nothing to contribute then and I have nothing to contribute now, even though I'm in a relationship, it will be hard for that relationship to prosper.

Better to learn how to manage all that negative thinking from the past so it can’t damage the reality of present and future relationships. That’s what Finding Personal Peace offers – a way to manage all that trash thinking that makes us angry, depressed, selfish, sad, and worse.

Focus on the team of relationships by getting the self-centered thinking out of the way and you’ll begin to see reality, peace, and hope in all your relationships.

Focus on the reality of strong relationships today being far better that re-thinking the losses of yesteryear.

Go for it!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - You Have Great Power

The Power in Relationships

You have the power to make or break people. How do you wield it? 

How beautiful is the bond and trust that exists in a strong relationship, whether it be spouse to spouse, parent to child, or friend to friend. That bond and trust also makes you vulnerable to being hurt yourself.

Marriage 

Maybe you've experienced the pain and anguish when a spouse is unfaithful to the vows taken.

Maybe you know the loneliness that comes when your spouse is with someone else rather than you.

Maybe you know the physical and emotional pain of an abusive spouse.

Maybe you’re the spouse who is unfaithful, absent, or abusive.

Maybe you know the guilt that comes from blaming your spouse when the problem is really yours.

The power you have is your choice to be one or the other of the spouses described above.

Do you routinely put your wants and needs ahead of your spouse? Exercise your power to build up and sustain your spouse. Exercise your power to forgive and forget if necessary. Exercise your power to keep your vows, forsaking all other commitments, as long as you both shall live. To do anything less is an abuse of your power.

Parent and Child

You have the power to make or break your child’s spirit by your response to them.

Maybe you've felt the lash of an abusive parent.

Maybe you've known to pain of rejection or neglect.

Maybe you've felt the burden of performing beyond your capacities to please your parent.

Maybe you've felt the loneliness created by an unapproachable parent.

Maybe you've cried because your parent doesn't trust you; and wondered why they don’t.

Maybe you've tried to be good enough to win your parent’s approval and never quite succeeded.

You have the power to neglect or build up your child. Do you react to your child in the same way your parents reacted to you? You have the power of choosing to be responsible for seeing the fragile souls you created becoming competent, independent, adults; or you may choose to add another generation to the legacy of pain and neglect that has been your life.

Friend and Friend 

Maybe you know the feeling of having a friend prove untrustworthy.

Maybe you've felt the pain, like the death of a thousand paper cuts, when a friend makes fun of you; or belittles your relationship; or misrepresents you to others.

Maybe you know how it feels to be squeezed out of a relationship and not understanding why.

You have the power of choosing whether you will do the same things to another friend – maybe just to get even – or of choosing to be supportive of your friends.

The Culprit

In all the examples above, the typical reason for the misuse of your power is “doing unto others like it has been done to you,“ a classic misuse of the Golden Rule.

Or it may be your misconstruing the rule to be “do unto others before they do it unto you.”

In either case, the baggage you bring to your current relationships from the past probably causes you to misuse the Golden Rule; and that baggage can be totally destructive to someone you love and respect or someone who depends on you.

There’s another way 

You don’t have to carry that baggage around any longer. The baggage most likely manifests itself in negative thinking about the pain you felt from prior relationships. You get so caught up in reliving the pain of your past that it becomes the reality of your present.

You can dump that negative thinking. You can start dumping it today. Let Finding Personal Peace show you how to do that. Use the power you have to build and confirm people, not hurt them.

Make people, don’t break them.

God bless,

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - COP AN ATTITUDE!

Cop a Bad Attitude;
Lose a Relationship 

Your attitude toward your relationship is far more important that you may think. 

If you value a relationship; if there is love; if there is the joy of good fellowship; if there is any affection or compassion toward another person, I encourage you to cop an attitude.

Let me explain myself 

I've gotten some funny looks at times when I've tried to encourage someone, especially a young person, by telling them I like their attitude.

In street vernacular, to cop an attitude means to “take a negative or opposite attitude about something.” It’s also known as “tude.” I would certainly never suggest that I like a negative attitude that I see in someone.

An attitude is “a predisposition or a tendency to respond positively or negatively towards a certain idea, object, person, or situation. Attitude influences an individual's choice of action, and responses to challenges, incentives, and rewards (together called stimuli).”

So when I tell someone I like their attitude, I’m saying I like the way the present themselves or respond to the situations around them.

The origin of the word "cop" as used here is a slang term used to mean "pick, to take hold of, to catch." So, in the sense I use “to Cop an Attitude” I saying you need to take hold of or to catch a predisposition to respond positively toward your relationship.

 So what attitudes should you cop if you want a healthy relationship?

• You can show love toward the relationship
• You can be united in spirit with your partner
• You can be intent on shared purposes
• You can show humility.
• You can avoid promoting yourself ahead of your partner
• You can be unselfish
• You can regard your partner as more important than yourself
• You can look out for your spouse’s, child’s, friend’s interests before your own
• You can speak the truth judiciously
• You can respect the space of your partner
• You can encourage and lift up at every opportunity
• You can be quick to forgive and diligent to forget offenses

Do you have a problem here? 

Do any of these attitudes that I say you should “cop” give you a little heartburn?

Do you find yourself thinking “I can’t do that” or “That’s not fair?” Before you walk away from a casual relationship or create a lot of stress in a permanent relationship (like marriage and parenthood), I encourage you to examine your thinking about why you resist copping one of these attitudes.

Have your brought some baggage into the relationship from your past experiences that is making things difficult in this relationship? You can get rid of that baggage?

Are you judging your relationship partner based on criteria formed in earlier situations? You can dump those criteria.

Are you expecting your relationship partner to conform to a pattern from your past that may be based on faulty suppositions? You can break that pattern.

Do you find yourself copping a negative attitude in your relationship in response to hurts from the past? You can soften or remove that pain.

Finding Personal Peace will show you how to get rid of the baggage, dump the criteria, break the patterns, or deal with the pain that is causing you trouble in relationships today.

Check it out.
 
www.findingpersonalpeace.com

P.S. If you’re wondering where I got this list of attitudes you need to cop; I got them from the Bible in Philippians 2:1-5.

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - Fight or Forgive?

Our response to slights is the key to strong relationships.

Fundamental Truth in All Relationships

How often do all of us feel the heat of an offense in a relationship? It may be from a spouse, a friend, a child, a co-worker, a business relationship, or even the driver in the next lane or tailgating too close.

It may have been accidental or intentional; a minor irritant or a major infraction. It may have been a misspoken word; a bad joke; gossip; disrespect; or a broken trust. The easiest reaction is to take offense; easy because it is a natural reaction.

Our sympathetic nervous system gives us fight or flight as a protective response. The adrenalin flows and the battle is joined. When that happens, the relationship suffers.

That’s not what we intended. We just wanted to get even; we wanted to right a wrong; we wanted to defend our honor. A combative response can turn an innocent offence into full-blown war.

Pride rushes in and reminds us that we don’t have to take it. And before we know what’s going on, we’re tumbling pell-mell down the slippery slope to a broken relationship.

A Better Response 

Moses told Israel in Exodus 23 that “if they see their enemy’s donkey in a ditch, they were to help it out and return it to the enemy.” Then for emphasis, he said it again. There may have been a very practical reason for this teaching. Israel was out in the wilderness surrounded on all sides by people and circumstances that wanted to destroy them. It could have been disastrous for them to start fighting among themselves for all the reasons that two million people can find for fighting. The responsibility to the community was to put aside differences and pull together for the common good.

We have that same responsibility if we value a relationship. It’s not easy to forgive because our pride tells us that forgiving is giving up and giving in. We think that forgiving someone means admitting they were right in whatever they did to us. Forgiving is seen as weakness. So we don’t often forgive.

Beyond Forgiving to Forgetting 

To forgive and forget means to both pardon the wrong and to carry no resentment concerning it into the future. The phrase dates from the 1300s and was a proverb by the mid-1500s. You could also say let bygones be bygones.

Forgiving is not admitting that the offender was right. It is simply pardoning an offense. Forgetting is deciding that you’re not going to stew over the offense any more. I’m not saying that is easy; I’m just saying that it’s necessary from time to time if you want to maintain a relationship.

If an offense is ongoing, such as abuse, it is necessary to take steps to remove oneself from harm by seeking competent help; but if the offense it history, so much more is to be gained by deciding that you will not perpetuate the offense by continuing to respond to the memories of it.

Have you ever noticed in football, the flag is more often thrown on the player who responds or retaliates. The original offense is sometimes not seen, but the retaliation is always seen. We’ll always be lessened if we respond in kind to an offense.

Better to walk away. 

If the relationship has value, it’s better to walk away by pardoning the offender and forgetting about the offense. And what relationship doesn't have value. Few of us have so many friends that we can afford to lose any of them because we refuse to forgive and forget.

Having trouble doing that? Do memories of past offenses keep replaying over and over again? Finding Personal Peace speaks directly to being free from the burden of such memories. Give it a try!

God bless,
 
www.findingpersonapeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships are Covenants

A relationship is a covenant – at least it is if you want it to last.

“No way,” someone said. “That’s getting too serious.” I suggest that if you take that attitude, then maybe your track record with relationships is a bit spotty.

A covenant in the simplest form is an agreement. Isn't that what people do? They agree to become friends; to work together; to have a relationship. Sometimes they never actually say the words, but by mutual consent, they enter into a relationship – a covenant or agreement with each other..

When they do that, they usually have some expectations of each other. As long as those expectations are reasonably met, the relationship continues.

That’s in its simplest form.

There are also formal covenants.

Marriage would be the most common example of a formal covenant. When two people stand before a judge, priest, or minister and before witnesses making vows to seal their relationship, they enter into a formal covenant together. By taking the vows, they incur legal liabilities and life-long responsibilities to both each other and their progeny.

To what extent is each responsible to the success of the covenant? It’s popular today to talk about a 50-50 relationship meaning that each person has an equal responsibility to the success of the relationship. The parties have divided the responsibilities of the relationship much like they might divide the household chores. This can lead to keeping a figurative balance sheet so each can ensure that the other is doing their part.

I submit that 50-50 that weakens many relationships.

Consider this proposition: A strong relationship is 100% - 100% with each person agreeing to be responsible for making all the effort to fulfill the relationship. If both parties are doing all they can to keep the relationship strong, how can it fail? This approach provides for the relationship to remain strong when one party or the other for some reason cannot keep up their part. Then the pendulum of life may swing and the other party assumes more of the responsibility for a time.

And you never get to the point of one party saying, “That’s more than I agreed to do,” because each agreed to do 100% if necessary.

What about the kids?

Your children lock you into an incredibly strong, one-sided covenant. When you create a child, you are agreeing to do everything possible (100%) to help that child become an independent, responsible adult. When parents do that, the likelihood of the child growing to truly functioning maturity is greatly enhanced.

You hurt the innocent if you shirk your covenant to your kids.

Does this chap you?

Did it rub you the wrong way to read what I've written? Why does that bother you?

If you’re carrying emotional baggage that prevents your fully participating in a covenant relationship, you can dump that baggage just like yesterday’s garbage.

If your past prevents you from providing for your future, you can shed the past like water off a duck’s back.

If your tomorrow lies in the shadow of your past, you can be rid of those shadows today.

Finding Personal Peace has the tools for living in strong covenantal relationships.

Check it out.



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships Can be Simple

We tend to complicate relationships. Consider how simple they can be.

Relationships are Simple

Are you disagreeing with me already? We are created to have simple relationships. It is said that we should be like the sparrows and the flowers of the field who take no thought about themselves. They just enjoy being sparrows and flowers with other sparrows and flowers.

Well, that may be a little strange, but that triggered the thinking herein.

The Golden Rule

Remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

If we apply that rule to our relationships, then relationships become very simple.

We treat our spouse, friend, partner, child, as we would like them to treat us. Can’t get simpler than that, can it?

But, in practicality, what does that mean?

It establishes the direction of our role in the relationship. Realistically, we can’t control how our partner reacts to us. We can’t make them be a good partner. The only thing we can control is our actions toward them: hence, “Do unto others.”

And the measuring gauge for the “doing” is how we would like to be “done unto.”

Trust

Would you like to be trusted by your partner? Then trust them. Trust them in the here and now. Don’t keep a list of past faults and foibles. Believe them. Rely on them. Tell them you trust them.

Respect

Don’t you want your partner in the relationship to respect you? Then respect them. Respect their person. Don’t interact with them publicly in the same way you do privately. Respect their space. Don’t encroach. Respect their time. Don’t make excessive demands of time. Respect their privacy. Don’t share their personal details or the details of your relationship with anybody!

Dignity

Don't you like to be treated with dignity? Then give dignity to your partner. Don’t make fun of them. Don’t belittle their accomplishments. Don’t gossip about them. Speak to them with dignity.

Honor

Don't you like to be treated with honor? Then give honor to your partner. Lift them up before others. Put them on a little pedestal. (Don’t get carried away with the pedestal.) Speak of their accomplishments. Be proud of them. Validate them privately and validate them before others.

Be Thankful

The Golden Rule is not ironclad; but it’s pretty reliable. Don’t expect them to reciprocate right away and every time. Expect nothing and be thankful for everything you receive from your partner.

It’s too simple

Quietly and privately consider how you responded to each of these points. It’s very common to dismiss this as too simple. Don’t let your negative thinking waylay a good relationship. Finding Personal Peace is designed to help with your negative thinking.

So, go do!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - Who's Pulling the Rope?

There’s always a rope. Are you the one pulling up or dragging down?

Which way are you pulling?

In relationships people are connected. You can imagine that each of you is holding onto a rope. The rope is seldom still because you and your partner are different people; each with different needs, aspirations, and emotions often pulling in different directions.

What you should want is that the relationship be always trending upward by one or both of you – usually alternating - keeping upward direction on the rope. When one is dragging down, the other is pulling up. Then the situation may be reversed.

Relationships are strained

Relationships are strained if one of you is dragging the other down. If this goes on long enough, one of the partners may be hurt. If the hurt continues long enough, the relationship may be damaged or broken.

You should already have figured out that there is very little to do to change your partner. What you can do is to make sure that you’re not the one dragging the relationship down. The rest of this post is looking at you and how you respond when you’re down.

Different responses

A typical response, maybe without much thought, is to pull your partner down to your level. There’s some weird concept of misery loving company. So you keep pulling on your end of the rope until your partner is sharing your emotional level.

Maybe you’re too stubborn to admit that your partner is right.

Maybe you’re too proud to admit that you need to be helped; that you don’t have the situation under control.

Maybe your snap judgment is to let go of the rope. That removes part of the pressure on you - the good part.

Sometimes you resist all the harder. Maybe you’re blaming your partner for how you feel; maybe you’re bearing a grudge toward your partner; or resentment; or envy; or revenge.

Or maybe it’s something totally unrelated to your partner; work, extended family, some threat toward you.

Whatever is roiling through your mind, give value to the fact that your partner is still holding the rope and trying to pull you back up out of the emotional mess you’re in.

Sometimes we pretend that nothing is wrong and keep living life as it is.

All these attempts to drag your partner down will eventually damage or destroy the relationship.

A matter of trust

Why don’t you just trust your partner? They’re trying to lift you up. They’re trying to give you hope and encouragement. Trust them to know what they’re doing.

Relax. Even if you don’t know what to do, let them gently and lovingly draw you up to higher ground. If you keep struggling, you’re creating pressure on both of you.

It’s just a matter of time until the situation is reversed and you’re the one gently, lovingly lifting your partner back up.

Don’t give up on the relationship; but make doubly sure that you’re not the one who is always the dead weight.

If you are, you can do something about that. You don’t have to accept the negative thinking that typically sends you into the emotional pit.

Do your partner and your relationship a great favor by learning how to deal with all your negative thinking and negative emotions. That’s what Finding Personal Peace is all about.

God bless,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I've said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!