Invest in Your Relationships

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="160"] Getting a Return on Your Relationships?[/caption]

Very few things in life just happen. It almost always takes an investment – of our time; of our energy; of our emotions; of our money.

Invest time in your relationships

This is especially true of relationships with your children. They don’t care that you’re working two jobs to provide for them. Your child needs a little bit of you each day – one-on-one. Your spouse needs to have some of your time just to know that the relationship is important to you. Shared time doesn't count nearly as much as individual time. Sitting in the same room watching TV is a start. Reading a book to your child is better. Working together on chores is a great way to spend time with spouse or children. Be creative. There’s nothing more important than investing time in each relationship that’s important to you.

Invest energy in your relationships

Go out of your way to surprise your spouse or children occasionally. Put a loving note in the suitcase or briefcase. Put an encouraging, happy note in the lunchboxes. Offer a shoulder or neck massage to your spouse. Who knows what that might lead to. Offer a shoulder to cry on or an ear to hear their frustration. It may take a lot of energy just to listen without offering advice.

Don’t just coast and expect the relationship to prosper. Invest energy. You may have to spend energy thinking of ways to invest more time.

Invest emotions in your relationships

Let yourself be vulnerable. Don’t mask your loving emotions in your relationships. Express love with no expectations of return. Express unconditional love.

If you’re apart, make sure they know you’re thinking about them. Hide your disappointment except in a teachable moment with children. Be willing to reach out without expecting a reach back.

Invest money in your relationships

This is last because it may be the least important. It certainly shouldn't be used to replace any of the other investments. Spend all you can reasonably spend on anniversaries and birthdays with emphasis on the word reasonable. If money is tight, wrap the package in time, energy, and emotion. A handmade card or note from your heart will mean more than Hallmark.

I know a couple of families with limited resources and large families. They celebrate Christmas more in worship and time together than in giving gifts to everyone. But birthdays are special. That’s one person’s special day and they make that a big deal.

Don’t expect a return on your investment

If you expect a return you might be disappointed sometimes. Expect nothing, but rejoice in everything. But I’m pretty comfortable predicting that if you invest diligently, you will have a wonderful return.

If you find yourself reacting negatively to these investments, examine your thinking. Be sure to apply the principles of my last posting (Click here) before you react outwardly.

You may be right. Perhaps your partner didn't react well to your investment. But be careful how you react. Would you rather be right or alone?

If your negative thinking is hurting your relationship, then take control of your thinking. That’s what Finding Personal Peace teaches you to do.

Invest, invest, invest. The return may be life-changing.

All the best,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships - Back From the Brink

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="237"] Are Your Relationships at the Brink?[/caption]

Many relationships are in trouble for many reasons.

The only person you have the authority or ability to change is yourself. So I want to direct attention to your relationships from your perspective. Maybe you will see yourself in this methaphorical mirror.

First Corinthians Chapter 13

If you are religious, this passage, called the Love Chapter, has great meaning to you. If you’re not religious, you can’t ignore some of the truths herein. They just make sense, especially when applied to relationships. For simplicity, lets assume that you love the ones with whom you share relationships and we’ll use the word ‘Love’ throughout.

Verse 4 – Love is patient

Are you patient in your relationships or do you expect everyone to move at the speed you dictate.

Verse 4 – Love is kind

A relationship cannot thrive if you are not kind in word, deed, and attitude. If you’re unkind, don’t expect people to respond positively to you.

Verse 4 – Love is not jealous

Trust is basic to a relationship. If you are jealous, then you’re not trusting your partner as you should.

Verse 4 – Love is not boastful

It is hard for people to enjoy a relationship with you if you constantly boast of your attributes or possessions or anything else.

Verse 4 – Love is not proud

If your vanity (pride) overshadows everyone else, don’t expect a warm, loving response from them.

Verse 5 – Love is not rude

We often joke or tease in an unseemly way. It’s rude, but we try to laugh it off. Sometimes we’re patently rude. It’s hard to be in a relationship with a rude person. Even rudeness to a third party makes everyone uncomfortable, except maybe you.

Verse 5 – Love does not demand its own way

Relationships and selfishness do not coexist. This may also include giving your loved one the space they need.

Verse 5 – Love is not irritable

Don’t expect to be a good relationship if you’re crabby and mean-spirited.

Verse 5 – Love does not keep a record of being wronged

No one wants to be around you if you keep reminding them how they wronged you. I bet you know people who remember wrongs for years – are you guilty? Practice a little forgiveness.

Verse 6 – Love does not rejoice about injustice

When you enjoy or even gossip about the pain of others, it makes everyone uncomfortable.

Verse 6 – Love rejoices in the truth

Don't let lying or deceit be part of your relationship. The truth, given lovingly, will ultimately strengthen the relationship. NOTE: See my comment on verse 1 below before you rush out with the truth. Don't use the truth as a club.

Verse 7 - Love never gives up

Stand by your friends through thick and thin, good and bad. Don’t give up on them.

Verse 7 – Love never loses faith

Believe that the best will come to the relationship even in hard times.

Verse 7 – Love is hopeful

Expect the most positive outcome for your friends, even at times when they may be acting wrongly toward you.

Verse 7 – Love never gives up

Always be there for your relationships. Even in estrangement, keep up your end of the relationship, whatever the circumstances.

A comment on Verse 1

Someone very wise said, "Being right is not always being loving." Sometimes your friends need a kind ear to listen to them instead of criticism or unsolicited advice or even the truth. You risk becoming like a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal if you don’t take time to listen.

Negative thoughts

Notice how you react to my challenges here. Apply the challenges to your most important relationship. If you find your thoughts leading you in another direction – justifying yourself or denying relevance – then you may be causing the stress in your relationships.

You can bring that negative thinking into submission. I know – I’ve done it.

God bless,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="160"] Are You Making Good Decisions?[/caption]

Life is filled with decisions. Maybe dozens if not scores of them every day. Some decisions are relatively insignificant – Do I want to turn the ceiling fan on? Others may introduce serious problems – Do I want to go to work today? Others may be deadly – I’ll have just one more beer before driving home.

Three criteria of a good decision

Onlinesuccesscentre.com defines three characteristics of a good decision:

“First, a decision is whole and sound when we've done the homework and understand what is involved. We've talked with, or at least thought about, others who deserve to be considered. Finally, before we act, we have reflected on what really matters. We have covered the bases.” Seeking wise counsel may be part of the necessary homework before an important decision.

“Second, decisions made with integrity are coherent in that the reasons we give for our decision actually align with the decision itself. Coherence is not accidental. We create it. When we deliberately integrate our beliefs and actions, we walk our talk.”

“Finally, good decisions are transparent. Accountability and trust rest on openness and honesty. When we speak directly and candidly to others about our decision and its impact, we become accountable for our choice. Integrity requires telling the truth, including the hard parts.”

Clear thinking vs. distracted thinking

All three criteria require clear thinking. Decisions may not always be right, but making the decision in an atmosphere of clear thinking greatly increases the likelihood of a good, effective decision.

Unfortunately, many important decisions are made under a cloud of emotions or distractions.

Negative thinking

I've said a lot in my posts about negative thinking. We simply do not have the capacity to make a good decision when we are stressed out emotionally.

An area pastor recently murdered his wife and attempted to kill his daughter before attempting to take his own life. I don’t know his circumstances but I’m sure that his emotions were in an uproar when he decided to pick up that gun.

When we’re strung out emotionally, we tend to make snap judgments just to relieve the pain or stress.

Hyper-emotions

It can also be risky to make decisions when our emotions are hyper-elated. How many cars are bought from the smell and feel of the test drive without considering the monthly payments, not to mention the insurance?

How many lives are irrevocably changed in the height of passion when it’s virtually impossible to make a rational decision?

Life doesn’t have to be that way

Fortunately, we can create a clear-thinking environment by taking control of our distracted thinking. One of the lessons in Finding Personal Peace is about making good decisions.

Good decisions can become routine; not a shot in the dark.

Regards,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Childhood Memories

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="140"] Memories - The Best and The Worst of Life[/caption]

All of us have memories of childhood. I trust that many have pleasant memories of family, friends, and good times.

Unfortunately, far too many people have memories that are still causing us pain today.

The small amount of Googling I did failed to produce a percentage of families that are dysfunctional. It’s hard to define dysfunctional because it could be said that anything that is not normal is dysfunctional. Then what is normal? It becomes a logical circle.

Unhealthy childhood memories

Do you have memories of your childhood that include any of these characteristics?

• Unrealistic expectations


• Ridicule


• Conditional love


• Disrespect; especially contempt


• Emotional intolerance (family members not allowed to express the "wrong" emotions)


• Social dysfunction or isolation (for example, parents unwilling to reach out to other families—especially those with children of the same gender and approximate age, or do nothing to help their "friendless" child)


• Stifled speech (children not allowed to dissent or question authority)


• Denial of an "inner life" (children are not allowed to develop their own value systems) maybe due to dogmatic or cult-like parenting.


• Being under- or over-protective


• Apathy "I don't care!"


• Sibling abuse


• Abandonment


• Belittling "You can't do anything right!"


• Shame "Shame on you!"


• Bitterness (regardless of what is said, using a bitter tone of voice)


• Hypocrisy "Do as I say, not as I do"


• Unforgiving "Saying sorry doesn't help anything!"


• Judgmental statements or demonization "You are a liar!"


• Either no helpful criticism or excessive criticism


• Absentee parents (seldom available for their child due to work overload, alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or other addictions)


• Giving to one child what rightly belongs to another


• Gender prejudice (treats one gender of children fairly; the other unfairly)


• Discussion and exposure to sexuality: either too much, too soon or too little, too late


• Abuse (parents who use physical violence, or emotionally, or sexually abuse their children)


• Appeasement – rewarding faulty behavior to maintain peace


• Faulty discipline (i.e. punishment by "surprise") based more on emotions or family politics than established rules


• Expecting perfection (fixating on order, prestige, power, and/or perfect appearances, while preventing their child from failing at anything)


• Overly protective – trying to prepare or protect a child in every contingency instead of letting the child learn how to deal with issues as they come along.


• Having an unpredictable emotional state due to substance abuse, personality disorder(s), or stress


• Parents always (or never) take their children's side when others report acts of misbehavior, or teachers report problems at school


• Scapegoating (knowingly or recklessly blaming one child for the misdeeds of another)


• "Tunnel vision" diagnosis of children's problems (for example, a parent may think their child is either lazy or has learning disabilities after he falls behind in school despite recent absence due to illness)


• Older siblings given either no or excessive authority over younger siblings with respect to their age difference and level of maturity


• Frequent withholding of consent ("blessing") for culturally common, lawful, and age-appropriate activities a child wants to take part in


• The "know-it-all" (has no need to obtain child's side of the story when accusing, or listen to child's opinions on matters which greatly impact them)


• Nature vs. nurture (parents, often non-biological, blame common problems on child's heredity, whereas faulty parenting may be the actual cause)

I'm not trying to ruin your day

I’m not trying to ruin your day by dredging up awful memories from your past. If I’ve done so, I apologize; and I want you to tell yourself, out loud, “I’m not going to think about that anymore,” Do it again and again if you have to until you have a moment of peace.

Clear thinking

I want you to think clearly for a moment. If you often dwell on painful or negative memories from your past, there’s a very good chance that you’re either passing along some of the same memories to your children; or that you're overcompensating to protect them and thus creating other painful memories for them.

The best thing you can do for your family and your children is to learn how to break the control your childhood has over your thinking today. I've already told you how to do that.

You have the habit of negative thinking. You can break that habit. It’s all described in an online course called Finding Personal Peace.

Don’t put it off. Start creating good, positive, childhood memories for your children by losing the negative, painful, memories of your childhood. Do it today!



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Why Do Relationships Fail?

Relationships - Spouse - Family

I Googled reasons why relationship fail and found these to be interesting.

1.  You’re playing to win

Competition between partners is one of the deadliest killers of relations. This competition is often fostered by because one of the partners has compelling thought patterns that simply do not allow them to second-best. These thoughts, while not necessarily negative, are very often harmful to both parties.

2.  You don’t trust your partner

In some cases, the broken trust is earned thought infidelity or deceit. In many cases the trust is a result of negative thinking that tells you that you or your partners are not worthy of being trusted; or the lack trust comes from reasons 3 or 4.

3.  You don’t talk

Negative thinking tells you that your opinion is not worth expressing. Or, negative thinking convinces you that you are protecting your partner by shielding them from the truth. Or, negative thinking makes you think that you will be belittled or embarrassed by sharing the truth.

4.  You don’t listen

Listening is hard. Negative thinking tells you that your opinion is more important than that of your partner. Negative thinking says they don’t have the right to criticize you.

5.  You spend like a single person

Negative thinking tells you that you earned the money; therefore you have the right to spend it as you choose. Negative thinking also causes you to insist on spending on a lifestyle that your partner does not share. Negative thinking tells you that your partner is trying to control you by insisting on controlling your sending patterns.

6.  You’re afraid of breaking up

Negative thinking tells you that you’ll never find another relationship like this one. You may be able to generate the appearance of a happy relationship for awhile, but your negative thinking will color all parts of the relationship and eventually cause it to break up. See 7.

7.  You’re dependent

Negative thinking tells you that it’s your partner’s responsibility to make you complete; that you cannot possibly live without them. Negative thinking may lead you to blame your partner because your needs are not being met. Either way, this creates a great deal of unreasonable pressure on

8.  You expect happiness

Negative thinking tells you that something is wrong if you’re not happy. See 6 and 7..

9.  You never fight

A good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which is a perfectly normal part of a human’s emotional make-up. Negative thinking tells you that anger or even disagreement will end the relationship.

10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard

There are two deeply problematic areas of negative thinking that damage a relationship. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard — and that therefore if it’s hard, it must be worth having. To base your relationship on either extreme can cause problems.

It’s not easy to have a great relationship. But it’s not impossible, either — it takes some work, of course, but it’s good work, work that’s a joy when everything comes together.

A lot of times, though, the work isn't enough. We get in our own way with negative thinking and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it.

Get your negative thinking under control and watch your relationship improve.

All the best,



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

The Grass may not be Greener

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="234"] Is the Grass Really Greener? Bad Decisions Hurt Relationships[/caption]

Dear Abby had several letters today responding to a woman who was who was asking Abby for permission to give up a 20-year marriage to a man the woman described as “wonderful” because she didn't “love” him and never had.

We all have potentially conflicting thoughts from time to time. “What if I do” precedes speculation about a new situation. “What if I had” follows a decision we couldn't make for whatever reason. Both ends of the thought spectrum can cause us pain and regret.

I’m not denying there are situations that ought to be changed. No one should have to live in danger or accept infidelity as a matter of routine. Poverty and lack of education are circumstances that can very often be changed by determination and hard work. There’s nothing wrong with changing bad reality.

But there are many situations where we allow ideas of a more exciting and more fulfilling life to create total disdain for the life we have.

The woman who wrote Abby had a husband who loved her, cherished her, and provided well for her and had been faithful for 20 years. But she had gotten to the point where she didn’t want to be married to him anymore because she didn’t “love” him. I wonder how many times over the 20 years she had ruminated over a Hollywood version of life as the movies describe it.

She rationalized that she never loved him. Do you think that might be just an excuse to justify her dissatisfaction with her marriage or her life?

It’s not just marriage

Thousands of times in this country, this day, people will make decisions based on negative thinking that spoils their current situation; decisions that can destroy their past and cast them into an uncertain future.

Negative thinking can ruin our perspective on just about any issue. We can take a perfectly good job and grow to hate it because we keep replaying thoughts of how someone mistreated us. We can take a wonderful child and turn him into a social outcast because he learns that we think he’s not as successful as his brother.

At the extreme, a friend committed suicide a number of years ago because his wife was not satisfied with the $500,000 house he provided. He went deeper into debt to provide a “better” house. Then, when the economy downturned and shut down his business, he couldn’t take it any more. I had occasion in those days to be around the wife and some of her friends and the most common conversation was about how nice it would be to live in a more affluent neighborhood in a bigger house. Her negative thinking and her husband’s desire to please her ultimately made life not worth living for him.

Do you have a situation where your own negative thinking makes you dissatisfied with yourself, your life style, your job, or your spouse?

Why don’t you consider taking that negative thinking under control and see how much your disposition improves? You can do that. It’s not hard to break the habit of negative thinking.

Here’s wishing you a happier 2013 without doing a thing except stopping the negative thinking that minimizes life for you.



www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Resolutions

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="179"] Make Your Resolutions Count This Year[/caption]

Got this year’s list close at hand? Maybe you didn't write them down; somehow they’re not as binding if they’re not on paper.

Almost everyone has things they want to change in their lives as the New Year unfolds. Last year really wasn’t as good as it could have been. If I can just do this or that, this year will be better.

I resolve to . . .

• Lose some weight / Get in shape


• Get along with somebody


• Get organized


• Quit / atart doing something


• Drop / adopt a habit


• Make more / save more / spend less money


• … Whatever

We always resolve to do better than before. We have such a strong desire to make our lives different this year.

Then, baggage intervenes

We all have baggage from our past – we just handle it different ways. We envy the people who are able to stuff the baggage back out of sight and out of mind. It’s there. It’s part of our history. But that’s the point. It’s history – not prophecy. How fortunate are the people who can look at their baggage that way.

Most of us carry our baggage right up front.

We may wear it like a chip on our shoulder just waiting for someone to knock it off.

We may keep it on speed dial so we can play it back to anyone who gives us an opening to share how pitifully life has treated us.

We may keep our baggage on instant recall so we can pull it up frequently to ruminate on how much we’ve suffered.

Baggage vs. Resolutions

It’s the baggage that destroys our resolve to do anything good!

A review of our baggage always produces negative thinking that always creates excuses.

• We failed before; we’ll fail again


• Overweight is the new chic. We don’t want to be too thin.


• Clutter is the result of keeping busy


• Better the devil you know than the one your don’t (old habits vs. new habits)

Negative thinking will always win

I should say, it will always win unless we know how to deal with our negative thinking. Don’t you think your resolutions are worth getting rid of the negative thinking?

Negative thinking does not have to win. Learn more.



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